Issue 08 Transcript / Published March 2026 / Approx reading time: 9 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough
MAR 2026 – Issue 08
www.crowboroughcrusader.com

Welcome

A gentle reminder to all of our readers that this coming Sunday the clocks go back by 1 hour.

The Crowborough Crusader will not be doing so and will continue to operate in the usual forward direction.

The Team

Ron Peepers – Editor and Journalist
Moz – Cartoonist
Introducing
Raya Flight – Junior Reporter

Farewell Comic Relief, bonjour to Soulagement Comique.

By Ron Peepers

Comic Relief, the charity behind Red Nose Day has been a British institution since its invention in 1985 by Richard Curtis and Sir Lenny Henry. With the first telethon taking place three years later it has raised millions for a myriad of global causes. Its aim is simple and noble: to support projects that tackle the root causes of poverty and social injustice, aiming for a just world free from poverty.

But a local organisation, Some of Crowborough Say No have analysed a particular set of data that they have pored over meticulously and have come to the realisation that the charity is perhaps not completely beneficial to the people of Britain — and that there may, in fact, be a solution.

From their findings they have ascertained that approximately 50% of the money from donations is directed towards overseas causes, such as: reducing violence against women, providing children with access to education, and supporting disease prevention and inoculation programmes — areas which they feel fall outside the immediate interests of the British public.

Instead, they believe they may have identified an elegant solution from our neighbours in France, by way of their version of Comic Relief, Soulagement Comique.

The French charity, they note, operates under a similar arrangement, where 50% of funds are also directed overseas.

“The way I see it is if we donate to the French charity...say a quid, we get 50p back, but if we donate a quid to Comic Relief, Britain only gets to keep half of it — it’s all about thinking smarter when times are tight,” declared Barry Cade of Some of Crowborough Says No.

He continued, “…and being twinned with Montargis its about time the Frenchies gave back”.

Mr Cade added that he would be pleased to discuss where donations should be directed once his Facebook suspension has concluded.

New Daffodil species with “Sad” trumpet discovered in Ashdown Forest

By Ron Peepers

Two weeks ago botanists who were tasked with classifying the exact colour of yellow of the gorse flowers, made observed a new species of flower was thriving in the Ashdown Forest.

A few hours into comparing Dulux colour charts against the flowers to ascertain whether the blooms of the prickly plant were either Celestial Sun, Lovely Lisa or Pineapple, they noticed a daffodil with a rather forlorn looking trumpet which sagged in a shape resembling a frown.

After a quick search through the database of found flora they realised that this particular plant had been omitted from the archives. Due to its “sad” trumpet and in homage to its location being the inspiration for A.A. Milne’s books of Winnie the Pooh, it has been named Narcissus Eeyorus in recognition of the pessimistic donkey.

Samples of the flowers were taken and have since been tested, with the results from the lab being labelled as “interesting”.

In a blind study, the daffodil variety in question responds to audio stimuli. Its growth is mildly improved by listening to the blues, melancholic classical music and the back catalogue of Coldplay.

Garden Centres have been busy cultivating samples in order to offer the plant to enthusiastic gardeners next Spring hailing it as the perfect antidote to gardens that are a little too jolly.

Picture taken by Len Smearer.

Crowborough Groups Submit Suggestions for Future Banknote Designs

By Ron Peepers

Modern commerce in recent years has come to rely heavily on transactions conducted either by debit or credit card, or through the ease of online banking.

Cash, in the form of notes and coins, has become increasingly rare. Nevertheless, it remains a part of our national identity and has, as such, traditionally borne the image of British luminaries such as wartime Prime Minister Winston Churchill, celebrated author Jane Austen, and Alan Turing, widely considered to be the father of modern-day artificial intelligence.

Crowborough, widely regarded as an average town representative of the wider United Kingdom, has been selected as part of a focus group tasked with providing feedback on who might be incorporated into the next generation of banknote designs.

With claims that 95% of the town think the same way they do — and well-versed in offering their views — Crowborough protesters were invited to share their thoughts during Sunday’s march.

Callum Tanktop, leader of Raising the Coloured Crayons, offered the following suggestion:

“I know they have to change the design every ten years to avoid counterfeits, but couldn’t they just put Churchill in a different outfit? Maybe shorts and sunglasses, like he’s on holiday in Benidorm.”

A woman pushing a baby buggy containing two dachshunds proposed:

“You know that TV show Gladiators? One of them’s from Crowborough, y’know. she’s called ‘Venison’. Definitely should be on a tenner.”

Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger commented enthusiastically:

“£20 is the purple one, so what’s more British than the purple one in the tub of Quality Street chocolates — hazelnut in caramel, I think it is.”

Beverley Quiteimportant of the Pink Ladles confidently grunted:

“But the £50 could be for the daddy himself — Stephen Waxy-Lemon — or, to the likes of you and me, Tommy Robbinsgons.”

Whether these proposals will influence the final designs remains, for now, unclear. However, the willingness of Crowborough to assist where needed will no doubt be noted.

Letters to the Editor

Top tip, don’t fill your spice rack with multiple expensive items.

Just buy allspice, job done.

Jim Membership

I was told if you haven’t anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

So I won’t.

Elizabeth Nosebetter

Jelly Babies.
Jelly Tots.

Never any Jelly Teenagers.

Makes you think!

Maureen Soreen

⭐ Star Letter

I was told it was lambing season.

I thought there were only Winter, Spring, Summer and Autumn.

Shawn Twoclose

Puzzletime!

Some of Crowborough Says No have issued a challenge to help residents prepare for the upcoming local elections in May, in two months’ time.

Simply complete the dot-to-dot below to ensure you are able to correctly place the X in the box.

Additional practice materials may be available upon request.

Notices

Catchit, Fumble & Whoops on behalf of The Shielded Crows

As the solicitors representing The Shielded Crows at the High Court regarding the Crowborough Army Camp, we write to provide an update.

At present there is no news. This remains unchanged.

While this is not news, it does at least confirm that there continues to be no news. We trust this clarifies the position.

Secondly, we can confirm that an additional invoice will be issued in respect of this update. Please do not be concerned. Have faith in the process.

Louise Smorrals, MP for Sussex & Weald

As your liaison between the people of Wealden and Parliament, I have finally received a reply from the Home Secretary.

I want my constituents to know that I have been with them from the moment I saw the admission of asylum seekers into the Crowborough Army Camp could be advantageous for my career, and as such I have made good on my promise to bring your concerns with the full weight and seriousness they deserve to Westminster.

After all these weeks of juxtaposing myself alongside these campaigners in a period of sustained self-promotion, I can share the Home Secretary's response in full.

“Who are you, again? And where is Crowborough?”

As you can clearly see, we have made meaningful impact here. The Government has no option other than to recognise our plight now.

Lou Smorrals

Pink Ladles Charity Event

Some of you may remember, back in Issue 6 of The Crowborough Crusader, a report we ran titled “Tied for first place with charity donations, for homeless and veterans charities — who would pull into the lead?”

It seems that the Pink Ladles, Crowborough chapter, are the first to pull ahead by showing that they’re more than just brawn — that they are also capable of charity.

The Crowborough Crusader is proud to note that it may have acted as something of a catalyst for such change and wishes them good luck with their planned charity event.

Our Streets

Spring in my Step

Photo of the week submitted by:
Bea Mindful

A little Raya Flight

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.

By Raya Flight

Oh my gosh — last week I was creating content for my Insta when it suddenly occurred to me that there might be more to life than filming hour-long videos on where to get the best bubble tea.

So I’ve decided to spend a little less time thinking about myself and a little more time focusing on the people in our town — what they’re up to, what they’re achieving, and all the small things that make Crowborough such a special place to be.

For my first assignment I would love to pull focus onto the volunteers at Crowborough’s Repair Café.

These terrific tinkerers turn their skills to restoring well-loved items, giving them a second chance rather than sending them on.

Whether it’s performing delicate surgery on the electronics of a Fireman Sam doll, reviving a slightly tired Christmas ornament, or carefully restoring a hairdryer I had, perhaps a touch prematurely, given up on, their work speaks for itself.

And in its own way, the Repair Café does feel a little like life — sometimes things come apart at the seams, even slipper socks, and with a bit of care they can be put back together again.

Doesn’t Crowborough sometimes feel as though it needs the cracks mended with friendship, tolerance and community?

And in some way aren’t projects like this saving our town from heading towards the rubbish dump.

Thank you and hugs to the Crowborough Repair Café, which may, in some small way, fix us.

Final Thought

Ron Peepers

Another week has passed and has been observed and recorded with the precision and gravitas that local matters require. As always, The Crowborough Crusader remains a stoic servant of the people of this town, as it is to fact-checking and presenting the events as they unfurl free from hyperbole.

It was noted that the Shielded Crows were absent from this week’s marches. We do hope whatever issue was preventing them from doing so shall pass so that the numbers return to what they once were.

As always, we are under the heel of the well-polished brown brogue of time and unfortunately haven’t had the opportunity to comment on the Leisure Centre Swimathon or news on the development of a Crowborough Banking Hub.

Next Issue: Saturday 4th April

A round-up of how Crowborough has transformed for the better — in numbers

A cut-out-and-keep guide to all the most influential groups of Crowborough

Luigi Board attempts to contact Jesus ahead of Easter celebrations

Plus more from: Raya Flight, Town Notices, Our Streets: photo of the week and Puzzletime!