Issue 16 Transcript / Published May 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes
The Crowborough Crusader
A satirical march through Crowborough
MAY 2026 – Issue 16
www.crowboroughcrusader.com
Welcome
Those, with luck, are blessed with a three-day weekend due to the courtesy of another bank holiday.
Preferring to rely on facts rather than luck: The Crowborough Crusader
The Team
Ron Peepers – Editor and Journalist.
Moz – Cartoonist.
Raya Flight – Junior Reporter.
© 2026 The Crowborough Crusader.
This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only.
Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group.
Love is in the wifi – Some of Crowborough Say No branch out, creating an online dating app
By Ron Peepers
Barry Cade, of Some of Crowborough Says No, plans on bringing love to the town via a new dating app designed for those afflicted with the same condition he continues to struggle with: Unprompted Opinion Syndrome.
“I’ll be waiting for a bus; it’ll be a few minutes late, and I’ll say something like, ‘They’d be running quicker if Starmer was out,’ or I’ll be in a doctor’s surgery, tapping my feet and looking at the clock, and I’ll declare to the whole waiting room that ‘It’s asylum seekers’ fault that we’re all waiting.’ I can’t help myself.
It can be quite lonely living with the condition, and that’s why I invented the app, for myself and others like me.”
The app works just like a traditional dating app but is specifically intended for those with the condition and goes under the name Unhinged.
A newcomer to the app described her first date after matching with Mr Cade.
“So the waiter came over, and we realised he wasn’t born in this country. I blurted out, ‘Bet you came over on one of them inflatable boats.’
Now this is usually where my date gets up and leaves, but not Barry; he joined in with me chiding the server.
A magical evening.
I highly recommend the app.”
Interview with The Former Party’s newly elected councillors
This week it was announced that East Sussex County Council is now led by The Former Party after winning a leadership vote by 25 votes to 24.
Due to give The Crowborough Crusader an in-depth and frank interview, both Crowborough councillors — Patricia Riot and Farrah Right — decided to cut the discussion short following the party’s new strategy of “saying as little as possible”, after so many newly elected councillors had to be relieved of their posts.
Ms Pat Riot begins:
“We would have loved to have discussed our policies more, but we’ve had people dropping the ball — like the councillor from Sunderland who allegedly said that the Nigerian population in his town should be melted down to ‘fill in potholes’.
Therefore, the party line now is to have no opinions, delete all social media history, and say the bare minimum whilst we maintain a narrow lead.”
Ms Farrah Right simply added “Shhh!” before pulling Ms Riot inside and slamming the door.
PAGE 2
The remaining 5 entrants and route announced ahead of the bank holiday downhill trolley derby
By Ron Peepers
Last week, The Crowborough Crusader had the pleasure of bringing you the exclusive look at the first 3 entrants of this year’s downhill trolley derby sponsored by Merry-Sons Supermarkets.
The final 5 entrants are revealed below with details of the route and obstacles.
With a lineup like this, the competition will be fierce.
Watch you doin’?
Crewed by Perry Noid and Dan Nile
For: Crowborough Beware!
Theme: Sleek surveillance shuttle – “Taking part in the sport whilst filing a minority report.”
Modifications: Articulated CCTV cameras to continue duties whilst competing. Additional surveillance optics for identifying obstacles and saboteurs.
Tactics: Sirens on the hats to bamboozle the competition with distracting lights and sound. Multiple pairs of eyes on the road give unparalleled vision for spotting danger.
Raising funds for: Ourselves, in order to pay for equipment, training, medals for our members, and lollipops for the schoolchildren.
Now You See Me
Crewed by Lou Smorrals and a crash test dummy
For: Me, Myself & I
Theme: Showboater Voter Motor – “A head-turner who thinks they’re ahead in the polls.”
Modifications: The glare of the spotlight illuminating both driver and road ahead. The crash test dummy helps to add balance to the cart without pulling focus from the main star.
Tactics: Charisma, charm, and being well lit is bound to attract attention and create a lapse in concentration of all other racers.
Raising funds for: Topping up my own expense account.
The Ghost Hunt-er
Crewed by Luigi Board and the ghost of James Hunt
For: Those who dwell in the spirit realm
Theme: The medium of the carts, but an expert in the dark arts.
Modifications: Auras cleansed. Shakras balanced and levitation being used to lighten the trolley, this vehicle is ready, steady, and set to go.
Tactics: Summoning the spirit of former Formula One driver James Hunt will provide much-needed expertise in speeding down the treacherous course.
Raising funds for: Dr. Prophecy’s School for the Psychically Gifted, in East Grinstead.
The full report from the competition with all the thrills and spills will be brought to you in next week’s issue.
PAGE 3
Triple-H (Half-human hybrid)
Crewed by Nigel Cellophane & Jørn Jannsson (Troll Expert)
For: Crowborough: Part-Troll
Theme: Monster Truck turned Monster Trolley – “Part-troll, all roll.”
Modifications: Spiked wheels reminiscent of troll horns to keep the competition at a distance and add superior grip on the uneven road surfaces.
Tactics: Spooking the other riders with the fearsome fibreglass recreation of the part-troll whilst raising awareness of his presence in the community.
Raising funds for: The survivors of the last Moomin massacre and for the Billy Goats Gruff Foundation.
The Handout Standout
Crewed by Paula Otherone & Bernard Whoops
(from the law firm: Catchit, Fumble & Whoops)
For: The Shielded Crows
Theme: Feathers and steel begging mobile – “On a wing and a prayer, we’ll get there.”
Modifications: Aerodynamic crow wings help to improve balance and reduce drag. Shields to protect the vehicle from coins tossed that miss the bucket.
Tactics: Melancholic music robbing others of hope. Sympathetic looks and jingling of the collection bucket to convince other racers to let them go first.
Raising funds for: Court Short, the relief fund for impoverished legal practitioners.
The Course
Start: Crowborough Police Station
Obstacle 1: Millbrook Mudslide
(Slick and treacherous terrain)
Obstacle 2: Chapel Green
(The wrong-way roundabout)
Obstacle 3: Beeches Brook
(Jump with a sharp drop)
Obstacle 4: Tollwood Tornado
(Industrial fans to blow competitors off course)
Obstacle 5: The Jarvis Brook Bottleneck
(A tight squeeze through the high street.)
End: The church side of the railway bridge.
Come and enjoy the fun!
Family Friendly Fun
Cheer on your favourite racers.
Ice creams, hot dogs
Meat Raffle
Start time: 2pm
We have our fingers crossed for sunshine, a large turnout and, most of all, success for all our plucky racers.
Phil Thoseshelves
(Merry-Sons Store Manager)
PAGE 4
Independent Fact Checkers called in to assess likelihood of recent Crowborough Beware! post.
Independent fact-checkers, Crowborough Office of Public Scrutiny (C.O.P.S.), have been called in with regard to a recent Crowborough Beware! post by a concerned citizen in order to ascertain whether the events really did occur.
Their Breakdown
Paragraph 1
Link to a specific place to convince of authenticity.
A man was alone in a cemetery using a mobile phone.
Was presumed to be from the army camp, though he wasn’t asked whether he was. Judgement made on appearance and perhaps language spoken.
No Crime Committed.
Use of the pronoun “I” to further gain trust of the event happening to an individual.
Paragraph 2
‘Isolated’ and ‘uncomfortable’, emotionally loaded words used to invoke sympathy.
No grounded basis for feelings.
Paragraph 3
‘I wanted to make others aware’ – coded words for a warning, making the poster seem civically minded.
Paragraph 4
Directed at the camp itself
Dictating who should or should not be able to be in a public space such as a cemetery.
Posted 19th May 2026
Conclusion
Summary:
If, and only if the events occurred, they describe a single non-English-looking/sounding male who was making a phone call, committing no crime, and minding his own business in a public space.
The ‘reporter’ of said incident seems to be transposing his/her individual prejudices onto somebody who caused no disturbance or harm and, therefore, is using their feelings to justify their discrimination, framing their account as a warning to others.
PAGE 5
Letters to the Editor
Domino’s makes reasonable pizza but pizza does not make reasonable dominoes.
Henry Flumf
Settle a bet for me: is fencing
Outdoor barriers,
Fancy sword fighting,
or buying and selling stolen goods?
There’s a fiver riding on it!
Bert Hopscotch
My loo cleaner says,
“Kills 99% of germs – dead!”
Well, how does it kill the other 1% then?
Makes you think!
Maureen Soreen
STAR LETTER
Sat on my camera too long, now I’m a bit uncomfortable down there.
I think I’ve got polaroids.
Len Smearer
PAGE 6
Notices
The Mayors of Uckfield & Tunbridge Wells
Uckfield and Tunbridge Wells have not been blind to the troubles that Crowborough has faced over the last six months. We have been particularly moved by those who have endured the greatest suffering.
In a united humanitarian effort, we have secured accommodation for up to 400 migrants from Crowborough — that is, people from the town who wish to avoid the weekly Sunday dramatics, prejudice and bigotry.
We’re all in it together and ready to welcome you.
Reverend Rentaghost
To whoever keeps leaving half-finished pints outside the church hall overnight: Please stop.
The hedgehogs are absolutely steaming.
Crowborough Beware!
Please disregard the report made recently about a large group of fighting-age men loitering and congregating in Crowborough.
It was just us having a meeting on Chapel Green.
But please, do stay vigilant.
Lou Smorrals MP for Sussex & Weald
To all of those attending the downhill trolley derby this weekend, please note that I won’t have time to give personal autographs; however, I shall be scattering pre-signed, glossy 8x10 photos.
I urge you all to pick up every last one; otherwise it may be considered littering.
Heatwave predicted for the week ahead
Both the satellite imagery provided by the Met Office and the data collected from how many men are wandering around the high street with no shirts on indicate that next week will be a hot one.
Stay hydrated. Use plenty of sunscreen. Walk pets when the sun is low in the coolness of the morning or the evening. Avoid excessive weekend marches.
PAGE 7
Our Streets
Sir Arthur-Cone On-Doyle
Photo of the week submitted by:
Ed Trauma
A little Raya Flight
By Raya Flight
Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.
This week I was looking at the calendar and noticed ringed in red felt-tip pen was “Nan’s birthday”. I had, of course, bought her a present and a card way in advance and had it ready and wrapped, but I was hit with a pang of guilt – I hadn’t really seen her for three weeks now.
Rather than dwell on how lonely she must be, I thought that I’d pop in for a cup of tea and a chinwag – but it's best to call first.
When she answered the phone, she told me that she was sorry that she hadn’t made time for me these last few weeks, but she had been rather busy socially, and was just on her way out to the Darby & Joan Club.
This was the first I had heard of the organisation – Nan filled me in on what it was all about.
Apparently, The Darby & Joan Club is a social club for older people and was established after the Second World War so that it connected more of the elderly in society to prevent isolation and loneliness.
She tells me that she’s been involved with bingo and day trips; she’s seen guest speakers and had lunches and refreshments but most of all met some lovely people who have now become firm friends.
The low annual fee and attendance fees fit firmly within her budget, and if she needs picking up and dropping back, then doing so will only set her back £1 extra.
Also, they’re always on the lookout for new members; however, I’ll have to wait a while before I’m eligible to join.
All in all, it sounds as if the Darby & Joan Club is a fantastic society and one worthy of praise.
My heartfelt gratitude to you and your members for providing the opportunity for people to get together and have fun.
A toast to laughter, to living well and to the Darby & Joan Club – yes, and also to you too, Nan.
See you next week; I’ll bring candles and cake.
PAGE 8
Final Thought
Ron Peepers
With the World Cup to loathe or look forward to in just over three weeks’ time, it seems that another special occasion has been left looking rather lacklustre and forlorn — and is certainly worthy of mention.
In 1887, the novel A Study in Scarlet was published, the first in what would become a worldwide success for its author, Sir Arthur Ignatius Conan Doyle — a writer we are privileged to have had live and work here in our little town.
As such, the 22nd of May, the birthday of the author, is known as Sherlock Holmes Day — one which seems to have come and gone with very little recognition. Which is a shame, as in these partisan times it would have been rather unifying to rally around such a renowned literary creation. Maybe next year we can celebrate the day with a little more panache.
As always, there isn’t enough time to cover all of Crowborough’s events. Stay cool this week, as it’ll be a hot one. Hydration, sunscreen, and look out for one another.
Next Issue: Saturday 30th May
Finally, the Merry-Sons Downhill trolley race is here. The winners, the losers and all of the mayhem reported in full detail.
Disposable barbecue shortage due to heatwave – Crowborough residents get creative.
Plus more from: Raya Flight, Town Notices, Our Streets: photo of the week and Puzzletime!