Issue 06 Transcript / Published March 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

Issue 06 — March 2026
A satirical march through Crowborough

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‘We Know What We’re Doing This Time,’ State The Shielded Crows as Further Donations Invited

By Ron Peepers

A heartfelt address was delivered this week by Paula Otherone, leader of The Shielded Crows, confirming that a renewed fundraising effort will be required in order to submit a fresh application to the High Court.

Ms Otherone explained in a video message that the initial application — which required in excess of £100,000 in donated funds — had proven to be a valuable learning experience. She reassured supporters that this time the group feels significantly more familiar with the process.

“That initial money raised from the good people of Crowborough paid for a vital lesson in what we should have done, and by going through this process we now know exactly what to do this time around.”

Although not appearing on their online donations page in words directly or implied, The Shielded Crows believe that the people of Crowborough would understand that the vast sum previously raised was used as part of the process of refining their legal approach, and therefore will welcome the opportunity to contribute to a second application.

In response to a question from a member of the public regarding the likelihood of the High Court approving the resubmission, Ms Otherone said:

“I doubt we’ll need ‘three times the charm’.”

When asked what she and the legal team of Catchit, Fumble & Whoops had done to prepare, Ms Otherone explained that they had carefully reviewed the previous judgment, consulted relevant case law, and taken note of the week’s horoscope.

With a rethink, fresh funding and the cosmos broadly aligned, the outlook is understood to be encouraging.

Illustration: A basketball player throws a bag of money toward a hoop labelled “The High Court.” A speech bubble reads: “That was fun! Can I have another go?”

Tied for first place with charity donations for homeless and veterans charities, who will pull into the lead?

By Ron Peepers

It will come as no surprise to regular readers of The Crowborough Crusader that this town is not short of charitable and generous groups who are deeply concerned with those less fortunate than themselves.

All one has to do is look at the comment sections on the social media pages of The Shielded Crows, The Pink Ladels, Some of Crowborough Says No and Raising the Coloured Crayons to see just how compassionate their supporters are.

Expressions of concern for the homeless and for homeless veterans in particular appear frequently, often accompanied by the heartfelt question of why more is not being done to help them.

With such theoretical philanthropy on display, The Crowborough Crusader can report that all of the aforementioned parties are currently tied for first place when it comes to practical donations to these causes.

At the time of writing, each organisation proudly shares the same total.

Which, as it stands, is £0.00.

Poised to add to their efforts, Callum Tanktop of Raising the Coloured Crayons contributed:

“Our current efforts have been directed towards generating income to acquire flags, zip ties, high-vis jackets, ladder polish and health and safety insurance. However, we do have the homeless on our radar.”

Paula Otherone from The Shielded Crows offered:

“Although the people of Crowborough have pledged £138,000, all of it has been earmarked for our core cause — enriching the lives of struggling legal professionals — and at this time we believe it would be morally questionable to divert the town and its funds away from this. However, helping the homeless veterans is discernible on the horizon.”

Betty Pilates offered that:

“The Pink Ladels are open to the possibility of the opportunity to table a pre-meeting in the future regarding the plight of those struggling,” before beating her chest and throwing a kettlebell across the Pink Ladels gym to assert her dominance over the other members.

Finally, after having the question put to them in monosyllables, Some of Crowborough Says No came to the realisation:

“We’re in it for the walking and the shouting, but I ’spose we could take a few buckets with us for people who want to contribute.”

Illustration: Several activists stand around a sign reading “Donations for the Homeless and Veterans.” One says: “You first, I insist.”

New water features spring up under Sloven Water initiative

By Ron Peepers

You would be forgiven for thinking that water pouring out of potholes and cracks within the road was a sign of poor maintenance, however the local water board, Sloven Water, wishes to reassure the people that this is actually a new feature of an initiative which they are rolling out across the county in order to improve local communities.

Steven Withoutapaddle (regional director for Sloven Water) was eager to express the benefits of the new scheme to The Crowborough Crusader.

“None of this is done willy-nilly, you know. After a full assessment, we precisely pierce the pipes we need to vent in order to enrich the lives of people within the town.”

The benefits include:

• Washing away small debris
• Testing the drains work
• Giving the tarmac an attractive glossy look
• Improving the frog population by creating small pools
• Creating a relaxing atmosphere as if you were in a tranquil water garden

“If this scheme proves to be successful we feel it will bestow upon us the confidence to move forward with further minor enhancements such as making sure that water is fit for consumption, that it reaches the homes of all of our customers and that it is devoid of chemical smells or floaty brown chunks.

Although these improvements will come at some cost to the consumer, we trust that they understand that Sloven Water is listening and taking action — not just for the benefit of its shareholders, but in a secondary way to its bill payers.”

Letters to the Editor

Captain Drydock

Bought an inflatable dinghy from the toy shop this week and then ran a Stanley knife through it.

Keeping our borders safe.

Maureen Soreen

Glue sticks but also glue sticks stick.

Makes you think!

Craig Trendsetter

I play Pass the Parcel with myself.

I wrapped a small gift in many stamp-addressed layers.

Each day I tear the paper off and repost it.

It’s just a bit of fun really.

Star Letter

Stella Artois

Can’t wait to get drunk on St. Patrick’s Day.

Makes you proud to be English.

Puzzle Time

The Pink Ladels of Crowborough took pictures of a man staring over a hedge in the general direction of a school. He might be a parent. He might just be waiting for someone. But the Pink Ladels have decided he is dangerous.

What should he be charged with?

A) Looking in the direction of a school and being a man.
B) Looking in the direction of a school and looking foreign.
C) Looking in the direction of a school and looking foreign and being a man.

Note: It’s not creepy in the slightest to be taking covert images of men. Keep at it Pink Ladels!

Notices

Some of Crowborough Says No

Some of Crowborough Says No have submitted an application to The Crowborough Crusader in support of the Photograph of the Week section to be called “Our Streets” as the name is more friendly.

Public Announcement

It seems there has been some confusion regarding the continuation of the Sunday marches, as this week various groups reverted to reporting how many thousands attended.

Perhaps some sort of Patriot-targeting virus has been doing the rounds. We wish all non-attendees a speedy recovery and hope that numbers return to full form this weekend.

I assure you, it’s on!

Marshall Walkingstick

Coach Travel Cancelled

Members of Some of Crowborough Says No have claimed a hyperbolic victory after successfully pressuring a coach company into withdrawing transport to and from the camp housing asylum seekers.

The development followed what group members described as “perfectly reasonable observations” posted on social media regarding how easily tyres might theoretically become compromised if appropriate care were not exercised.

Encouraged by this success, some members are now keen to maintain the pressure.

Initial discussions have focused on persuading food suppliers to reconsider their deliveries, before turning attention to the trucks responsible for bringing electricity to the camp.

Several members have also raised the possibility of approaching whichever company is responsible for the oxygen deliveries.

Louise Smorrals, MP for Sussex & Weald

I have been commended by colleagues in Westminster for keeping the army camp matter firmly local, ensuring it does not disrupt their commute or enjoyment of the city.

So thank you, Crowborough, for focusing your protests inward and inconveniencing your own town rather than the place where the decision-making actually lies.

And three cheers to you all for making me look extremely good.

Lou Smorrals

Our Streets

Photo of the week submitted by:
Brie Platter

Caption: “Say ‘Cheese’”

Description: A rat sits inside a Crowborough Pizza takeaway box placed on a park bench.

Final Thought

Ron Peepers

As the tick — and inevitable tock — of the Crowborough Crusader newsroom propels us toward the deadline, it is with great regret that the priority of more pressing issues means many solid, newsworthy items end up on the cutting-room floor.

This week, there was no time to mention a spate of burglaries carried out by a Caucasian British gang, but because there was no direct connection to the Crowborough Army Camp it was a necessary casualty of our limited resources.

Further news included the closure of a couple of roads — predominantly the main ones — and the NHS mobile blood donation unit arriving at some point in one of the supermarket car parks.

Final image: A banner reading “Crowborough Says No.” Beneath it a sign reads: “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no — there’s no limit.”