Issue 3 Transcript / Published February 2026 / Approx reading time: 8 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

FEB 2026 — Issue 03
A satirical march through Crowborough

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Local vigilante group rebrand to Crowborough: Part-Troll in bid to protect townsfolk from a worrying new menace.

By Ron Peepers

The Crowborough Crusader understands that the local vigilante patrol has made the strategic decision to “redeploy” from Sunday’s marches.

The group — formed to protect the town’s most vulnerable, reached the decision contrary to rumours of retreat due to crowds becoming “increasingly unpredictable”.

Rather, it is an adaptation which is necessary to meet the challenge of a new threat to the borough and that reorganisation is necessary in order to keep Crowborough safer than ever before.

Reluctant to cause panic, members have over recent weeks been quietly compiling evidence relating to a worrying individual stalking the streets. A being of semi-supernatural proportions — half man, half other.

“A new name is vital in showing that the vigilante group are necessary to the security of the borough,” stated Nigel Cellophane (Leader). “And as such ‘Crowborough: Part-Troll’ was born.”

Exclusively only ever observed by vigilante members, the being has been described as “mostly human, but at times somewhat vaguely feral.”

Sightings vary from member to member, though the creature is believed to inhabit the area beneath the railway bridge in Jarvis Brook, and has been spotted as far away as The Warren.

Again — exclusively to CPT members — the Part-Troll has occasionally been seen “lurking with intent”, “indiscriminately glaring”, and “clearing its throat loudly.”

Residents are advised not to engage directly with the Part-Troll, particularly if it appears to be “minding its own business.”

If seen contact Nigel Cellophane immediately and the CPT will be there as soon as they have reached that point on their preplanned route.

“How Many Will You House?”

Radio Comment Prompts Residential Clarification Requests

By Ron Peepers

Following an interview on Crowborough’s local radio station: Hash Brown Radio, the confused residents of the town have been inundating the station with requests to clarify a comment made previously by the leader of Some of Crowborough Says No.

The kerfuffle arose on the Hash Brown Radio Drive Time show presented by Casper Teatime after the audience were encouraged to phone in with their views regarding the protests.

The representative, after acknowledging listener was supportive of the immigrants moving into the camp used the sound logic that if they supported them then:

“How many of them will he be housing?”

The reply came “Just because you support something doesn’t mean that you have to be willing to house it.”

“That’s exactly how it works” retorted the representative.

The show ended without incident and was seen to have been relatively successful but little did anyone know how much inconvenience was about to ensue.

Sean O’Bays told The Crowborough Crusader that following the interview on Hash Brown Radio he has had to remodel the entire downstairs of his home.

Sean reasoned, “I realised that I supported Manchester United Football Club and, as such, came to the rational conclusion that I had to think carefully about how many players I was willing to house. I have therefore repurposed my dining room and conservatory into bedrooms to accommodate two midfielders from their B squad.”

Rosemary Cheerleader added that the remarks, although reasonable, had proven to be a slight inconvenience. After donating monthly to a charity which supports the protection of bears, she came to the view that there was more to be done.

Now the garage has been fashioned into a bear den which, for the most part, is fine. It does tend to smell and there are the occasional maimings when I need to get the mower out to do the lawn.

Some of Crowborough Says No has not yet provided clarification on the matter. The Crowborough Crusader will report further developments should they arise.

“Friends, Romans, countrywomen, Lent us your ears!”

The Pink Ladels: resting from battle and turning to batter?

In an inventive move to bolster recruitment, The Pink Ladels are washing off the war paint and leveraging a well-loved annual tradition in an effort to expand their membership base.

Known for their hulking muscles and brute strength, they are now looking to reinforce their ranks through the medium of pancake distribution.

As everybody knows, an army marches on its stomach — and The Pink Ladels are no exception.

But far from raising their Ladels high in the air and charging into battle, this time around they’re dipping them in batter and delivering the full zest of their message with a light dusting of sweetness — and perhaps a measured scoop of protein powder.

Some harsher critics may dub these women a touch unrefined. Yet what they may lack in grace, they more than compensate for in power and heart — even if, on certain recent occasions, the number assembled did not quite match the volume of conviction expressed.

It is this same conviction that leads them to remain confident the Crowborough legion will soon be operating at optimum force.

So for one night only the jousting and sparring will cease temporarily as the Pink Ladels turn their gym into a pancake parlour and look forward to welcoming the women of Crowborough with a crushing embrace.

Raining on our Parade

A Ken Decoupage Exposé into the despicable trade of soluble flags.

By Ken Decoupage

Having just returned home after a gruelling two weeks dressed as a golden retriever to investigate whether the blind truly could see, I slumped into my chair to review my backlog of emails — and one in particular leapt out at me.

A man whom I shall refer to only as Mr C. Tanktop… no, strike that… a man whom I shall identify only as Callum, from the group Raising the Coloured Crayons (the organisation dedicated to getting Britain using colouring-in books), contacted me in a state of distress with a mystery that only I was equipped to unravel.

Callum disclosed to me that he had decorated his street and his house in Union Flags (it’s only a Jack if out at sea) and England flags, as is his right.

However, he noticed something very strange indeed.

When he walked to the end of his drive to admire his handiwork, the flags on the street had disappeared — yet the flags that adorned his house still remained.

At this point, I realised something was afoot. I grabbed my hat and notepad and headed straight for the Montargis Estate.

After arriving at his semi-detached property and surveying the scene, there was no initial indication of foul play, but upon questioning Callum through tear-filled eyes he revealed the vital information that would blow this case wide open.

The flags decorating his house were premium and bought from Cambridgeshire, whereas the street flags came from the value shop, Almost a Quid, on the high street.

He further added a detail which would seem insignificant at the time but would later prove vital: last night it had rained.

With a crisp tenner in my hand, I purchased three jumbo St George’s flags, tying one to a lamppost, one to a litter bin and another draped over a hedge in Croft Road. I staked out the scene from my car.

After three hours of vigilance, a council van drove at speed through a puddle opposite me, creating an enormous amount of spray.

I parked up, blocking my view of the scene for five minutes. When it had gone, so had all of my flags. I pieced the clues together which all pointed in one glaringly obvious direction.

It had rained last night; Callum’s flags disappeared. The puddle water sprayed my flags: they disappeared.

Someone was flooding the market with soluble flags.

After grilling the shopkeeper they finally revealed to me their supplier by pointing to the Made in China sticker on the side of the box. It was clear that this problem was bigger than Callum, bigger than Crowborough — it was an international conspiracy.

Determined to get to the bottom of this I boarded a 19 hour flight to Hangzhou Airport then took a cab to a warehouse in Zhejiang to meet with the boss of the Super Lucky Flag Industries, Mr Chen.

Mr Chen had set up a bucket of water on a table and, one after another, unboxed flag after flag, dipping them in the bucket. Not a single flag dissolved.

I called for sparkling water, iced water and boiling water to be brought but all of the banners survived their dunking.

A weary Mr Chen bid me farewell as I entered the cab on the way to the airport.

Unsatisfied, my head pressed to the airplane window looking out at the clouds it struck me just how foolish I must have been.

Mr Chen must have switched his flags for a supply of premium Cambridgeshire flags which he must have had imported.

Another conspiracy exposed and another CASE CLOSED by Ken Decoupage.

Letters to the Editor

Calvin Lampshade

Washing machines live longer with Calgon.

But toasters don’t.

Lesley Pullover

I’m so excited! My permission slip has been signed and handed in, but I just can’t decide who to sit next to yet on the bus on The Shielded Crows outing to the Royal Courts of Justice.

I do hope they have a gift shop.

Maureen Soreen

In 1984, the film The NeverEnding Story was released, followed by two sequels… then it stopped.

It makes you think!

⭐ Star Letter — Marjory Dustbunny

FYI today is the recycling bin day.
You’re welcome.

Notices

Louise Smorrals, MP for Sussex & Weald

I have been contacted by residents regarding opposition Cllr Kate Dignity, who has been demonstrating what she describes as “warmth” and “kindness” by sending Valentine’s Day cards to those who may benefit from a little compassion and understanding.

An utter outrage.

Is she on a different planet? A planet where human beings care about one another, practise empathy, and are treated as equals? Planet Decency?

What’s worse is the reported involvement of children in the production of said cards for adult men. When a child gives a card to a mother or father, that is clearly familial and therefore categorised. But when sent to an unknown person at a camp, it becomes something else entirely — namely, whatever I have decided it is.

Furthermore, Cllr Dignity never returns my calls or my messages. I know she’s seen them, as I can see the two blue ticks that appear when they’ve been opened. She never thanked me for my flowers, and I haven’t received my Valentine’s Day card — sniff — from her or from the children.

Where, I ask, is the justice in that?

Lou Smorrals

Transport Notice: Potholes

It seems to come around quicker each year, but the annual Crowborough Best Dressed Pothole Event is nearly upon us.

Each street that has registered has been assigned twenty potholes to style, and this year the competition is strong.

Already, I have spied one fashioned into a Caribbean lagoon, another as a miniature construction site, and one as a moon crater complete with flag-planting astronaut.

All designs are to be completed by 28th February, at which point a route will be posted online showing you how to see everyone’s efforts.

Let’s get creative, Crowborough.

Cllr Jeremy Fishfinger

Crowborough Scouts (Cauliflower Troop)

Apologies to all who read our newsletter last week when we said that the Scouts were going to visit a campsite.

It wasn’t that one that we meant.

Raising the Coloured Crayons Flag Competition Winners

Mature Marchers (35+ years old)
Winner: Peter Portabletely (52)

“I created a motif with a native British red squirrel to show my pride for my country, but I expect, knowing my luck, it’ll be printed in black and white and come out grey like those European squirrels. Grrr!”

Proud Patriots (15–35 years old)
Winner: Carl Truckload (27)

“Beans just would’ve been too crude, so I went for a Bacon St George’s Cross and an egg for his majesty King Chaz.”

Jingoistic Juniors (5–14 years old)
Winner: Tarquin Unctuous (6)

Inspired by the likes of Pollock and Kline, the Abstract Expressionism really encapsulates the existential crisis Crowborough is living through.

Final Thought

Ron Peepers

So much talent on display from the gifted people of Crowborough. It makes one proud to stand among such open-minded and thoughtful individuals.

To give these masterpieces the space they deserve, certain sacrifices had to be made.

Regretfully, the information we had scheduled to update those unable to access their money online (regarding the closure of the last bank on the high street) will now appear in the next issue.