Issue 15 Transcript / Published May 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough
 MAY 2026 – Issue 15
 www.crowboroughcrusader.com


Welcome

F.A Cup day, and it is set to be a spectacle, with Chelsea facing off against Manchester City.

Equally deserving of your attention, and closer to home, is The Crowborough Crusader.

By Ron Peepers


The Team

Ron Peepers – Editor and Journalist.
 Moz – Cartoonist.
 Casper Teatime – DJ & Musical Journalist.

© 2026 The Crowborough Crusader.
 This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only.

Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group.


Following the depletion of community funds, The Shielded Crows now thinking nationwide.

By Ron Peepers

Paula Otherone, leader of The Shielded Crows, in her last update has confirmed that more funding will be required to progress their case at the High Court against the housing of asylum seekers. As such, she is now appealing to businesses both local and not so local.

She explains, “Imagine Crowborough Community is like a basket of limes; we have squeezed all the juice out of them, so now we’re looking for grapefruits.”

In her broadcast she states that should they fail at trial, the court costs payable would total £10,000, but that would be “acceptable because it would be other people’s money paying for it.”

The past failure to submit their case in the correct manner cost their benefactors tens of thousands of pounds and has done very little for their credibility, but they remain optimistic and are poised to shake the money tree once more.

They hope to redeem their reputation by re-involving themselves with the Sunday protests by joining one march on the 31st of May which, with the fates willing, should be enough to drum up extra funds from local businesses but not exceed their participation as to taint their legal position.

Paula sums up the manoeuvre:

“We call this the Hokey-Cokey approach to protest, you know, in, out, in, out, shake it all about."


“It’s not our fault.”

The Pink Ladles ejected from council meeting.

The Pink Ladles have been ejected from a publicly attended meeting held on the 13th of March by Wealden District Council, stating that the interjections were hindering their work. The Pink Ladles claim that this action was “so unfair!”

“I know I should have got my questions in on time, before the meeting started, but I didn’t. I thought I could just do it at the end, you know, my way rather than the way everyone else does it," confessed Gisele Skullcracker.

“The meeting started and as soon as I heard that someone I didn’t like was re-elected leader, I booed as loudly as I could – with decorum – I couldn’t help myself.

I was given a verbal warning...then it was other people who spoilt it and chimed in afterwards, leading to us all being chucked out without a final, final warning – so unfair! We never got to ask a single thing."

WDC responded with:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burnt” – Buddha


Wacky Racers and their vehicles revealed for the upcoming Merry-Sons Downhill Trolley Derby.

By Ron Peepers

Last week The Crowborough Crusader reported the news that Merrry-Sons Supermarkets were launching a downhill shopping trolley derby in which 2-person crews were allowed to borrow a shopping cart to modify for the race.

The competitors have been announced, and in a two-part special we will be exclusively revealing the carts, competitors and the charities they are representing ahead of the event itself on the Monday bank holiday, 25th May.


Titanic Panic

Crewed by Vicky Bollard and Bruis’n Susan

For: The Pink Ladles

Theme: Titanic-Style Lifeboat – “Women and children, first!”

Modifications: Hand-bashed to form the hull, the trolley is decorated with tasteful maritime paraphernalia, including life rings for safety.

Tactics: Vicky is in front, adding extra speed by scooting the cart forward on her knuckles, whilst Susan faces backwards, propelling them forward by the forcefulness of her angry ranting being channelled through the megaphone.

Raising funds for: Their backers, Patch-Up Britain, and Save the Amazon Rainforest, the ancestral home of their descendants, the Amazon warriors.


Hymn & Hearse

Crewed by Rev Rentaghost and Aled Goldentone

For: The Church

Theme: Faith-Based Dragster – “Reaching Mass Velocity!”

Modifications: The backend of a dragster hearse with a weighty rear wheel, and upfront a pristine and practical pulpit.

Tactics: The vehicle is predominantly powered by prayer and melody, hoping that a chorus of angels hears their song and expedites them toward glory.

Raising funds for: The waifs and strays of the borough.


The Fishfinger-Zinger

Crewed by Jeremy Fishfinger and Town Clerk No. 4

For: Crowborough Town Council

Theme: No political snark from this dexterous shark.

Modifications: Streamlined and efficient, like a town council should be, ready to shred through the streets as if they were printed proposals for poorly planned development projects.

Tactics: Knowing all of the potholes in advance will be a devastating advantage, and with Town Clerk No. 4 taking notes and analysing the practice runs, The Fishfinger-Zinger would certainly get the vote of many.

Raising funds for: Resurfacing the roads (after the race).


Next week: A double-spread of the remaining 5 racers, including Luigi Board, Lou Smorrals, and Crowborough: Part-Troll.


Stuck Beyond the Uck

(Hashbrown Radio’s answer to Desert Island Discs)

Featuring – Perry Noid of Crowborough Beware!

By Casper Teatime

Delighted to be back at The Crowborough Crusader bringing you the poptastic feature that we love to call Stuck Beyond the Uck.

The premise is simple – just like in the BBC’s version of Desert Island Discs. We take one local star and have them imagine that they were stuck beyond the River Uck, far away from civilisation. They may choose and take with them only 5 songs which have had the most impact on their lives; also, they may take with them a luxury of their choice (which does not exceed £20) – and of course, we will give them a copy of the Crowborough bylaws to read so that boredom doesn’t set in.

Choosing our tracks today is local celebrity and all-round smashing guy Mr Perry Noid of the elite vigilante taskforce Crowborough Beware! Thank you for taking the time to meet with us today, and welcome to the studio. Perry, tell us the tracks that you want to bring along.


Elvis Costello – Watching the Detectives (1977)

This song holds bittersweet memories for me. I tried to join the police force; however, I failed their psych evaluation — something to do with an overactive imagination in relation to evidence.

I realised my true calling was to become a vigilante patrol leader and aid the police by helping spot patterns they may have missed, calling them up over any infraction – no matter how minor – and watching them get to work.


Duran Duran – Hungry Like the Wolf (1982)

One of my favourite stories as a child was The Boy Who Cried Wolf; I think it’s one of the earliest moments I can remember which inspired me to warn townsfolk of danger.

As such, the wolf is my spirit animal.

Also, we’re always hungry for evidence to post on our website to remind the people of Crowborough just how vital we are.


Alice Cooper – School’s Out (1972)

So part of our operation is to follow children on the way to school to protect them from the dangers of the asylum camp.

Well, I’ll let you in on a secret: there is no more danger to the kids than there was before the camp arrived; to be honest, we use it as good PR to balance out the less wholesome side of what we do — you know, prejudice, speculation.

I’m genuinely not sure what we are going to do when School’s Out For Summer.


The Specials – Ghost Town (1981)

Our urgent community reports have managed to convince the residents of Crowborough that the streets are unsafe and they should stay inside.

By doing so, it allows our units to more easily spot, harass and video anyone we think “doesn’t belong here” without some dosy wally getting in the shot.


The Who – Won’t Get Fooled Again (1971)

I won’t lie, the split between us and Crowborough: Part-Troll (the alternative vigilante group) was not easy. They had us convinced that the real danger to the people of Crowborough was a half-human, half-troll-like creature stomping around the borough.

In retrospect, this was obviously a ploy orchestrated by Nigel Cellophane to invent urgency and danger in order to keep the group relevant.

A level Crowborough Beware! would never stoop to. We Won’t Get Fooled Again.


“What a crazy and eclectic bunch of chart-toppers you’ve chosen there; if all the records fell into the Uck, and you could only save one, which would you pick?”

“A tough one, but I’d go with Ghost Town; empty streets equal a safe town.”

“…And what luxury under £20 would you take with you?”

“It would have to be my off-duty hoodie, the one I’m wearing now; it really helps to boost my confidence.”

“It does look comfortable, and I can see there is something printed on the front; it says the following:

(READ ALOUD) THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.”

“You’re welcome, Casper, and so too are the citizens of Crowborough.”


Letters to the Editor

STAR LETTER

I often worry, last-minute,
 about Christmas gifts for
 the family.

This year, I’m ahead of the
 game.

Started worrying in May.

Anneka Panicker


Being on the panel of
 “Best Book
 Illustrator 2026”
 means I can judge a
 book by its cover, actually.

Paige Turner


There’s a Doctor Pepper,
 but no Doctor Salt.

Makes you think!

Maureen Soreen


Vegan doing the
 washing up here – any

actual
 fairies in the liquid?

Just checking.

Meadow Muncher


Notices

Some of Crowborough Says No

In response to those who claim the Sunday marches are not as “family friendly” as advertised due to:

We would simply say it rather depends on what sort of family you grew up in.


Extra bags of cement

Hi, just a quickie. We’ve just laid down the base for the new conservatory and have ended up with loads of bags of cement left over.

I’m not offering them to anybody, just taking the opportunity to brag.


Collective Heads of all Schools in Crowborough

We have read in a post by Crowborough Beware! that children from local schools have been waving and chatting to patrol members during their rounds.

Until such time as a full list of members has been supplied, relevant safeguarding checks clarified, and parents formally consulted regarding whether permission has been granted for unscheduled interaction with volunteer patrol personnel, we feel it would be prudent for children to remain on standard Stranger Danger guidance.


Red Ford Focus – Gladstone Road

Could the owner of the red Ford Focus on Gladstone Road disable their car alarm? It's so sensitive that it goes off in the middle of the night, waking all the residents, and has gotten to the point where I’ve almost given up trying to break into it.

Cheers.


Lou Smorrals MP for Sussex & Weald

I would like to take the opportunity to thank the new low-cost bakery, GR.Eggs for inviting me to cut the ribbon at the new opening of their petrol station adjacent establishment.

Although tempted by the allure of the local press’s attendance, I do draw the line at having to wear the sausage roll costume.


Our Streets

The faceless heroes waiting to post your face on Facebook.


A little Raya Flight

By Raya Flight

It’s been just over ten years now since I remember sitting in the school gym at one of the single tables with a clock ticking away on a stress-inducing GCSE Maths paper.

Having to recall the entirety of my learning, and to have it squozen from my brain into word form over the weeks, was one of the most difficult points of my life.

Thinking about it is enough to bring me out in a cold sweat.

May is upon us, and the latest generation of teenagers get to experience the pressure and academic rites of passage that are the GCSEs.

So this week I want to share a few words with those that are feeling the weight of the world on their shoulders right now.

At the end of June, each and every one of you, regardless of the outcome of your grades, will be the one in control of your future.

You no longer have to be told what to study, and instead you get to choose what you want to learn and how you will make your mark in the world – and that is more important than any result on a certificate.

I have complete faith, every year, in the new generation of young adults and have found them to be some of the most aware, compassionate, interested and interesting human beings within our community. You continue this tradtion.

You are ambassadors of your age group and shall go on to do great things.

Are you perfect? No. The truth is we adults aren’t either, so you’re in good company.

You’re the new guard, and with that comes change, and I for one am optimistic in your ability to change the world for the better.

Here’s to you.
 Here’s to your dream.
 Here’s to your successes.

May there be many.


Photo of the week submitted by:

Perry Noid


Final Thought

Ron Peepers

Whether you’ll be watching the F.A. Cup, the Eurovision finals, or indeed neither, may your week ahead be pleasant.

We wish all of those taking their GCSEs every success, and as mentioned at the start of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, our green and pleasant town too has had experience of thunder, lightning, and rain – all the seasons descending upon us at once. However, one can only hope that the fickle weather patterns will make way for blue skies and warmth for the downhill trolley derby on the upcoming bank holiday Monday.

With the downpour of news this week, some items just do not manage to see the light of day, including: Whether all 3 of the 3-way traffic lights in town are working.

The Crowborough Crusader wishes to apologise for the absence of the Moz cartoon this week as he is currently off work with a severe case of the sniffles. We look forward to welcoming him back for the next issue.


Next Issue: Saturday 23rd May