Issue 14 Transcript / Published May 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough
 MAY 2026 – Issue 14
 www.crowboroughcrusader.com


Welcome

It’s Saturday, the votes are in, and the people of Crowborough have had their say.

Now it’s the turn of The Crowborough Crusader.

The Team

© 2026 The Crowborough Crusader.
 This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only.
 Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group.


Merry-Sons supermarket sponsors the first Crowborough Downhill Trolley Derby.

By Ron Peepers

Merry-Sons supermarket has begun taking entries for what they hope to be a new annual tradition that combines fun, thrills, and raising money for charity.

Registered participants will be granted permission to borrow and modify a shopping cart to compete in the downhill event. Marks will be awarded for fastest time and creativity.

The course being the entirety of Crowborough Hill—from the police station to the finish line at Jarvis Brook railway bridge.

Crowborough: Part-Troll has completed a risk assessment and can verify that the part-troll abandoned his nest from that location a considerable time ago.

Store Manager Phil Thoseshelves promises “a fun-filled, action-packed day that will benefit many good causes.”

Winners will receive a cup, their “big shop” free for a month, and their name etched on the handle of every trolley in the store.


Crowborough Local Election Results are in — The Former Party find their form.

The votes have been counted, and it seems that The Former Party have won with a majority in both Crowborough South & St Johns, as well as Crowborough North & Jarvis Brook.

Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger stated that he looked forward to meeting the new officials in due time and that until they were established, they could use his spare mug and spare spare mug.

The newly elected representatives of The Former Party, I’m sure, will give comment in the next coming weeks.

It is known that party leader Neville Barrage has left an open tab up at the Wetherspoons in celebration of an historic win in the borough.


Losing their footing — how the marchers’ message is becoming muddled

By Ron Peepers

From its heyday, the Crowborough marches were national news, attracting participants in the thousands, all championing one cause: that Crowborough was an unsuitable place to accommodate asylum seekers.

However, 6 months has taken its toll and has diminished the Sunday protests to approximately 200. The Crowborough Crusader interviewed the key players in local groups to try and understand what went wrong.

“We were keen to distance ourselves from the protests as soon as the time was right,” claimed Paula Otherone of The Shielded Crows.

“It’s a delicate balance, you see, as we needed to stay in it long enough to reap the money but leave as soon as our reputation was being tarnished by the very people who supported us—though we haven’t ruled out coming back if the coffers run dry.”

MP for Sussex and Weald, Lou Smorrals, added:

“Oh, timing is crucial; I was there at the beginning because the news networks and journalists were there. I made the best of the opportunity, benefitted from the exposure, and avoided being interviewed by GB News—so, credibility is still intact.”

“We were drawn in by the idea of colourful flags...” confessed Callum Tanktop of Raising the Coloured Crayons.

“...we managed to give away thousands and make the lampposts along Beacon Road prettier. But when the numbers of protestors dropped, we had a surplus of vivid banners to get rid of.

When the authorities took them down, we put them up again, which led to a game of cat and mouse.

Driven by obsession, we started spreading loads of them across Chapel Green and further into town. What started off as patriotism has now turned into us marking our territory like animals.

Our original mission was to get people engaged with art through our patriotic range of colouring-in books.

Now… I don’t really know who we are anymore.”

Barry Cade of Some of Crowborough Says No lays the blame for the decline of supporters squarely on The Pink Ladles.

“If we’re to be taken seriously, The Pink Ladles need to get their act together.

Their claim to want to make Britain safer for women and children is admirable.

However, dancing down the street every Sunday and posing with a dummy of the PM as a clown does make us look like we’re taking part in a circus.”

Mr Cade’s comment was met with a fierce rebuttal by Beverley Quiteimportant of The Pink Ladles, Crowborough Chapter.

“Utter nonsense. Our values were clear from the start: ‘No asylum seekers in Crowborough and the safety of women and children.’ It was Some of Crowborough Says No who came up with the idea of diverting our message into purposefully trying to bait counter-protestors.

They were the ones who changed the playlist to include the cartoony female vocals of an AI song spouting off about lemons and soap?! If anyone has departed from the original script, it’s them.”

When asked whether she thought the divisions could be reconciled, Ms Quiteimportant kicked the ground and shrugged.


Sloven Water boss avoids prosecution after stepping down.

By Ken Decoupage

Sloven Water director has narrowly escaped a prison sentence after admitting in a tribunal that he was involved in the pollution of local waterways including the Alder Brook and the River Uck.

Even though it was proven that he was responsible for The Water Works and therefore likewise for its output, he would be avoiding time at His Majesty’s Pleasure due to producing a last-minute document thus nullifying the action.

The item in question was a small cardboard document with “Get Out of Jail, Free” written on it, which he obtained by Chance.

He immediately retired leaving the public feeling as though justice had not been served.


Costa, Corruption, and Cardboard Signs.

Are counter-protestors really being paid?

By Ken Decoupage

Three long weeks of stakeouts in my car were finally over. Parked in a siding, facing the traffic lights, I recorded—to the very second—the duration of each of the changes of lights in order to investigate whether they gave preferential treatment to those visiting out of town. Finalising my report, I found the results inconclusive—if only I had more time.

Lamenting the findings, I was tipped off by Barry Cade of Some of Crowborough Says No, that counter-protestors who assembled on the piazza were being paid by wealthy backers to attend. He mentioned that he heard it from a friend of a friend of a friend. That clear, unbroken chain of evidence was certainly cause enough to begin my enquiries.

Barry added, “I've got a contact willing to speak to you; he’ll be at the Wetherspoons in town. Order 4 pints to table 42 via the app at 2pm, then meet him at 3pm, and he’ll be in the right frame of mind to divulge to you what he knows.”

3pm rolled around, and I sat myself down at table 42 with 4 empty glasses in front of me. Thinking I had been stood up, I was about to leave when a hushed voice from table 43 said,

“Don’t look around, don’t draw any attention, just act natural—I’ll tell you what you need to know if you order us another round.”

I did so on the app. As we waited, he spoke.

“I hope you understand the need for complete anonymity,” he said.

Briefly interrupted by the server,

“Are these for you, Carl?”

“Yeah, cheers, love,” he replied.

“If you want evidence on their wealthy backers, then you need to head over to the banner manufacturers Pronto Prints, who’ll have invoices paid by those who fund their signage costs.”

I logged his tip-off in the notebook, then glanced behind me, but nobody was there, just suds in the glasses.

Pronto Prints was just about to lock up and had already turned the sign to “close”, but after flashing them my press credentials, they reluctantly let me through.

I demanded to see their records but was denied due to Data Protection Act protocol, which was negated when I slipped a crisp fiver over the desk; suddenly the printer had an urge to go for a smoke break, leaving me alone with the ledger.

Some of Crowborough Says No, The Pink Ladles, The Shielded Crows...even Lou Smorrals’ political campaign printing costs were all laid bare in front of me, and eye-watering amounts too. But nothing that even slightly linked to those standing on the piazza.

I hit the street. Costa, with its alluring aroma, was calling me like a siren song. I needed caffeine. The synapses required extra help in firing, and the grey matter had a craving for a triple espresso—a necessity to get the job done.

At the counter and ready to pay, I realised I had given away the last of my money. A voice from behind said cheerily.

“I’ll get this. Don’t worry; it happens to the best of us.”

After thanking him for his generosity I recognised him as one of the counter-protestors from a video of one of the marches.

Taking the opportunity, I used reverse-reverse psychology to probe for the information I needed.

“Are you paid to stand on the high street every Sunday morning?”

“Oh good lord no,” he chuckled. “I wish.” he said before whistling a merry tune before leaving.

I sipped at the miniature cup.

It was all coming together like a magnetic jigsaw puzzle, but this wasn’t a harmless hobby; this was fraudulent activity.

I glanced once more at the video for verification, and there it was—cardboard signs.

There was no sign of their invoices in the printers because they didn’t use the printers; they made their own cardboard signs.

The man who paid for my coffee had money which could only have come from pocketing donations rather than spending it on signage.

When I asked him directly whether he was paid, he replied “No” just as someone would do if they were covering up their corruption.

I also noticed an extra subtle layer to his deception: he didn’t look wealthy either, a perfect cover for his audacious coup.

I passed my findings over to Barry.

Although the proof had been found, I was still reluctant to let this case go, knowing that I had only just begun to scratch the surface.

But for now I had to file it away. Out of sight, sure, but glowing like an undying ember in the back of my mind.


Letters to the Editor

STAR LETTER

“Got on the bus. The driver said ‘Single?’

‘None of your business!’ I replied.”

— Anne Gree-Ryder


“The price of petrol going up doesn’t bother me; I only ever stick in £20’s worth.”

— Penny Pinscher


“Bought a disposable razor. Put it in the bin. Still have a beard.

How’s that supposed to work, eh?”

— Harry Face


“If Vimto tastes so good, then why is it an anagram of vomit?

Makes you think!”

— Maureen Soreen


Notices

Crowborough Beware!

Just to address a query about a post regarding another coach full of asylum seekers entering the camp. We did not use AI to fake a photo-realistic version of the coach arriving.

We did tactically manufacture a faithful recreation of a coach, which is indicative of the vehicles that do turn up...with advanced artificial intelligence software.

...and we only did so because we may or may not have missed it due to adding thumbs-up emojis to our most vibrant comments on Facebook.


Pink Ladles

Following the news last week of five of The Pink Ladles absconding from the group and joining a fishing trawler, they have reported—via text message—back to base that they are all fine and are currently on course to land their first catch.

Tying their pink Union Jack to the mast for luck, they hope to return to Southend with a haul full of haddock and many tales to tell in the near future.


Lou Smorrals MP for Sussex & Weald

Just asking for a friend—bearing in mind that the political landscape around here appears to be shifting from darker blue to a rather lighter, Former Party-shade, my friend would like to know whether there might be any spaces available in any of the other parties.

I—I mean, they know a sinking ship when they see one and are currently exploring alternative vessels onto which they may gracefully disembark should circumstances require.

If anybody is aware of such opportunities, please let her know via my ministerial email address.

Thank you,
 Lou Smorrals


Reverend Rentaghost

Hot on the success of the multitude of parishioners taking confession last week, Reverend Rentaghost will be sharing the most entertaining, the most moving and the most heartwarming in his one-man show, Forgiven but not Forgotten, at the Crowborough Community Centre from the 10th to the 12th of May.


A little Raya Flight

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.

By Raya Flight

I have lost count of the times I walked into the much-missed Factory Outlet Shop to buy multiple balls of brightly coloured wool, crochet and knitting needles in the hope that I would be able to create perhaps a hat from scratch.

After following the tutorials online, pausing, unravelling and rewatching, every attempt I made ended up with knots, frustration and unravelling.

I even bought one of the beginner kits for children to crochet a “simple” penguin, but unfortunately he and his little bobble hat remain, to this day, in a mess at the bottom of the drawer.

This is why I have so much admiration for Sewing Crow-Bees & Yarn Bombers.

This group of busy wool enthusiasts have decorated the tops of postboxes with memorable scenes chronicling the happenings of the world and local events such as: Matt Weston’s Olympic win, International Women’s Day, and have just recently created a scene with Sir David Attenborough holding the world and surrounded with all the animals he has dedicated his life to in honour of his 100th birthday celebrations.

Also commemorating more sobering moments, such as the production of yarn poppies in an installation designed as a mark of respect for those who gave their lives during World War 2.

Furthermore, I have heard that they are generous with their time and tips and are enthusiastic in encouraging beginners to join them.

Knitting together the community with joy, companionship, craft and humour, the Sewing Crow-Bees & Yarn Bombers might just convince me to reach into the drawer and make that penguin after all.

Thank you for making Crowborough a more colourful place to live.


Our Streets

“Don’t let them erase your vote.
 Do it right — take a pen!”

Photo of the week submitted by:
 Callum Tanktop


Final Thought

Ron Peepers

With the announcement of the local election results, it is understandable that tensions may be running high in Crowborough. You might be feeling elated, deflated, anxious, excited or fed up; if you do, it shows that you care.

Crowborough will still keep on ticking. The council will continue the day-to-day work of supporting the community, ensuring that matters both mundane and monumental continue to move forward. Whoever is in power must still abide by laws, regulations, and public scrutiny. No magic wands have been issued.

The Crowborough Crusader is not affiliated with any political party. It abides by its own moral code of decency, highlighting what it considers to be the absurd, the troubling, and the peculiar. It is my hope that whoever has been gifted the trust of the people treats it with the reverence and respect it deserves.

Tomorrow morning, Crowborough will still wake up and put the kettle on, and we’ll still be here.


Next Issue: Saturday 16th May