Issue 12 Transcript / Published April 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes
The Crowborough Crusader
A satirical march through Crowborough
APR 2026 – Issue 12
www.crowboroughcrusader.com
Welcome
Longer days of sunlight bring with them higher temperatures and rising pollen levels.
The Crowborough Crusader, however, remains level, calm, and irritation-free at all times.
The Team
Ron Peepers – Editor and Journalist
Moz – Cartoonist
Raya Flight – Junior Reporter
Local MP Labels Winnie-the-Pooh Centenary “Waste of Money” – Citing Extensive Personal Experience
By Ron Peepers
The MP for Sussex and Weald has criticised the local government for their plans to celebrate 100 years of the much-loved character, Winnie-the-Pooh.
Local councillor Jeremy Fishfinger has come under fire as plans to spend £500,000 on upkeep of the Ashdown Forest and year-long events were announced, which had promised not only to protect the natural resource but also bring in tourism and boost the economy.
Lou Smorrals has gone on record as saying:
“Spending £500,000 on the celebration of a fictional bear is such a waste of money, and I should know I’m the expert.”
The MP has an extensive track record in wasting money, including when she voted in favour of the £700 million ‘Rwanda Scheme’, which failed to deport a single asylum seeker to the African nation.
Likewise, Lou Smorrals consistently voted for new high-speed rail infrastructure known as HS2, which currently has had £43.6 billion invested so far and is yet to be completed.
Having been instrumental in the frittering away of a combined £44 billion pounds of public money, Ms Morrals added:
“Why should I support this folly?
There is absolutely no benefit for me to support this venture, but to oppose it, now that’s where the publicity is.”
Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger added:
“It is important to remember that this is not simply a celebration of a fictional bear, but a carefully costed programme of activity with projected outcomes across tourism, community engagement and bear-related heritage.
Should be quite the jolly time too.
Should our planned activities exceed our budget forecast and run into the billions then of course we’ll consult Lou Smorrals on how to save face.”
Landlocked but not tongue-tied, the all-male choir: The XY-Crow’m’Tones change their course.
By Ron Peepers
The all-male choir from Crowborough are looking to improve their position when reattempting to compete in this year’s “Choir We Admire” competition, set to take place in August.
Their humiliation of finding themselves in last place in 2025 has slightly flattened their spirits, forcing them to dig deep and sharpen up their act.
Whilst most choral groups are opting to win influence with a cappella versions of modern pop songs or crooning to Rat Pack favourites, the XY Crow’m’Tones will be travelling back centuries to deliver a medley of sea shanties.
Always looking to innovate, the XY Crow’m’Tones will be striving for authenticity by living the next 3 months as land-based pirates.
Following a strict avoidance of fresh fruit and vegetables allows just enough time for the majority of vocalists to contract scurvy.
Also, water is out – grog is in, with copious amounts to be swilled between rousing blasts of maritime compositions.
Choir master Stan Dean Ovation explained:
“Only when the body faces the same torments as those fearless buccaneers does it produce the truly honest rendition.
The judges are no fools, they can hear a fake voice from an acre away. I want them to hear in the voice every mainbrace that they’ve spliced, every shiver that has been timbered in the performance of these salty dogs.”
This ‘Method Singing’ is also enhanced by sleeping in hammocks, which has curved the spines of choir members and compressed their diaphragm so as to truly encapsulate the raspy notes.
To generate support and funding for costumes and transport, the choir will be raiding and pillaging Rotherfield and Ridge this coming weekend and are hoping for quite the haul of booty.
Residents remain undecided as to whether they support such an endeavour, though some local groups have shown interest.
Beverley Quiteimportant of The Pink Ladles suggested that having a dedicated space locally to compete in tournaments of strength could be useful.
Some of Crowborough Says No and The Former Political Party have expressed that it would be an adequate improvement in the protection of Crowborough from future invasions of foreigners from the town.
Challenge to planning permission halts construction of King’s Standing Castle.
By Ron Peepers
Construction workers this Thursday have had to down tools as opposition to the planning permission to build a castle on the Ashdown Forest was announced by Wealden District Council.
With the moat already dug, filled and stocked with carp, it would be reasonable to assume that all of the “i”s had been dotted and all the “t”s had been crossed.
However, the appearance of a tardy environmental report has illuminated a variety of impacts that an 11th-century Norman-style fortification would have on the local wildlife.
It would appear that the site, unbeknownst to the owner, was a refuge for protected species such as the red-backed shrike and the migratory European nightjar.
However, as a consequence of the new water supply, there has been a resurgence in herons and even the rare sighting of an osprey seen clutching a bewildered carp.
Concerns were also raised regarding spoiling an area of outstanding natural beauty by blotting the landscape with a gatehouse, castle walls and keep.
“Utter claptrap,” exclaimed the financier of the Medieval project, the Duke of Jarvis Brook.
“Firstly, the moat is obscured by a crown of brightly coloured, regal-looking gorse.
Secondly, if you look at any National Heritage description, it begins this castle… so, and so is set amongst miles of unspoilt countryside.
I ask you, how are we supposed to build a genuine castle without constructing it in ‘miles of unspoilt countryside’?
Furthermore, I’m laying out the groundwork for this place becoming a site of historical significance in a millennia’s time.”
A decision on whether the stonemasons can return to the site is yet to be made but is scheduled for review by the local authorities by the end of July.
The Former Party leader Neville Barrage makes a surprise appearance ahead of local elections
By Ron Peepers
Last week, with very little notice, the town was surprised by the visit of the head of The Former Party, Neville Barrage, in preparation for the local May elections.
With Crowborough so prevalent amongst the media of late, it was inevitable that Mr Barrage would home in on the scent of the untapped electorate who were beside themselves with fear over the asylum seekers in the Crowborough Camp.
Like a bloodhound, Mr Barrage followed the trail to the camp, where he stopped to film a glossy piece demonstrating his concern.
The video explained that the problem was not that these men were here in the first place, it is that they are currently roaming around our streets.
His observations prompted contributions from local residents with comments such as:
“I reckon they should have a big yellow ear tag like cattle have to.”
Although most were pleased to see Neville turn up, a few of the more ardent Former Party voters were a little disappointed that he acknowledged their humanity by calling them “young men”.
Keen to influence the next generation of voters, Mr Barrage posed for photos with members from the local school: Bacon Academy.
Each of which promised to vote for him when they finally turned 18 in order to get their selfie, and then instantly renounced it as soon as they realised that Mr Barrage was not going to buy them a pint or share any of his cigarettes.
Further Funds Required to Support Ongoing Legal Preparedness Following High Court Progress
After taking considerable time to come to a decision on whether The Shielded Crows are justified to continue fighting against the housing of asylum seekers at the Crowborough Army Camp, Justice Mould of the High Court has decided that they may proceed this time, offering:
“After their initial fumbling on the application we thought it only fair to give ’em a go this time round.”
After the majority of money donated by Crowborough supporters had evaporated after the mishandling of the first attempt, it is clear that in order to proceed onward a new round of donations will be required.
Unperturbed by the monumental level of fundraising ahead, Paula Otherone (leader of TSC) has a rejuvenated outlook on how to generate the cash needed to keep the solicitors satisfied.
“Crowborough is the goose that lays the golden eggs in the fairytales, and as long as I keep up the sense of urgency they’ll keep supplying me with riches, regardless of competency or results.
You can’t lose when there’s no risk!”
Time has been set aside for the case to be heard before the end of July.
Letters to the Editor
STAR LETTER
In honour of St. George I’m in hospital having my boil lanced.
— Tim Muchinformation
If I’m not a tree then how come I had my roots done the other day.
Explain that boffins.
— Eileen Intothewind
You can’t be in the middle of “LIDL” without “ID”.
Makes you think!
— Maureen Soreen
Top Tip!
High Pollen Count bothering you?
Use a calculator.
Puzzletime!
Crowborough Beware! have been using their imagination this week. They have shown men using handkerchiefs and concluded it was drug use, shown a friendly embrace and interpreted it as someone “absconding from the system”, and have alerted us to a man walking along the roadside.
YOUR TURN
Consider how this rubber duck might be presented as a ⚠️ Community Alert ⚠️
No evidence needed just let your imagine run wild.
Suggestions to thecrowboroughcrusader@proton.me
Notices
Join us after a march in the sunshine at Chapel Green for a barbecue on the 26th.
We probably haven’t been given permission to do it by Wealden District Council, nor do any of us hold hygiene certificates, and we probably haven’t considered the fire risks or the litter clean-up problem, but please don’t let that deter you.
Enjoy a burger, a hot dog, and swap unproven allegations together. Have a chat with our highly trained tactical patrol units and ask about volunteering.
There is plenty of room in our staring-at-the-camp division and also our watching-children-go-to-school unit.
Cardboard Boxes Anyone?
Does anyone have any cardboard boxes, as my partner and I will soon be moving?
Unfortunately not to another property, but into donated cardboard boxes, as we can’t afford the rent prices in Crowborough.
Wealden Wildlife Centre
Beyond the border of Crowborough, the other side of Uckfield, a conservation project has led to beavers being reintroduced to the East Sussex site after being away for hundreds of years. All beavers are said to be thriving and adapting quickly to their new home.
If this is a success we look forward to reintroducing wolves over the Ashdown Forest to control the deer population, with a few years down the line… when the technology permits… extending the programme to bring back the woolly mammoth.
Crowborough: Part-Troll
Whilst other vigilante patrols relax their duties at the barbecue on Sunday, Crowborough: Part-Troll will step back from their hunt for the supernatural menace of the borough and provide security for the event.
Our two remaining members will maintain perimeter surveillance at all times, assisting our lesser-experienced sister patrol group.
Who knows — we may even get lucky and catch a glimpse of the Part-Troll in line for a burger.
Our Streets
Party Pooh-per!
Photo of the week submitted by:
Lou Smorrals
The MP for Sussex & Weald
A little Raya Flight
Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.
By Raya Flight
Whilst at brunch with the girls this last week we were just chatting away, sharing small talk and tucking into poached egg and salmon, when my bestie, out of the blue, told me that she had helped a woman this week who had stopped breathing.
She mentioned that the woman had collapsed in the high street. Apparently, she was looking rather pale and collapsed there and then.
Not conscious and not breathing, Melanie sprang into action and, after calling 999, began giving the woman CPR.
I asked where she had learned the skills to administer care on the spot, and she told me all about a training session she had received from Crowborough Community First Responders.
The Crowborough Community First Responders are trained volunteers who support the ambulance service, attending emergencies across the town.
They are often first on scene, providing immediate care and reassurance, offering first aid training to the community, and using essential equipment such as defibrillators in those early moments.
They give their time freely and arrive when needed, bringing a calm presence when it matters most.
Their mission is simply to help anyone in need, and a service like this deserves high praise.
Just as Melanie kept that lady’s heart beating that day, it is also thanks to the Crowborough Community First Responders, who remain close to the heart of Crowborough.
May they continue to educate and make a positive impact on the health of the town.
Final Thought
Ron Peepers
Not seen since the 16th Century in Sussex, the beaver has returned to a carefully selected parcel of woodland not far from Uckfield with a mother and 4 kits given the freedom to make themselves a new home. The hopes are that once established surrounding woodland will be better managed and a richer variety of wildlife will return to our countryside.
It’s this kind of news which inspires and gives people hope and optimism for the future. The future which all too soon becomes the present and by doing so brings with it the deadlines for this particular publication.
As always with such a bustling town there is so much to mention and not enough column inches to capture it for example: What will become of the Crowborough Factory Shop, why hasn’t my food bin been collected? and should we be feeding the foxes?
Next Issue: Saturday 2nd May
Local Secondary School Students Immerse Themselves in 1980s living as part of a project for History.
The Pink Ladles trip to London, reportedly up to 5 have absconded and have yet to return.
Luigi Board consults the spirit of Blackbeard regarding the cultural misappropriation of Sea Shanties.
Plus more from: Raya Flight, Town Notices, Our Streets: photo of the week and Puzzletime!