Issue 11 Transcript / Published April 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes
The Crowborough Crusader
A satirical march through Crowborough
APR 2026 – Issue 11
www.crowboroughcrusader.com
Welcome
Wishing all of you proud patriots a happy St. George’s Day across the entire nation in the week ahead.
Especially so here in the borough, under the steady guardianship of The Crowborough Crusader.
The Team
Ron Peepers – Editor and Journalist.
Moz – Cartoonist.
Raya Flight – Junior Reporter
Crowborough Beware! reassures town despite bumpy start.
By Ron Peepers
With two vigilante groups patrolling the town, residents of Crowborough should feel twice as safe. However, within the space of a couple of days it was reported that a serious assault took place on Palesgate Lane and that a student was bitten on their way to school. Those involved are understood to be recovering.
Perry Noid of Crowborough Beware! has contacted The Crowborough Crusader to clarify their position on both matters.
He states, “It is regrettable that the assault took place. I trust the police have dealt with it, and I hope the pupil affected in the incident with the dog is better soon.
The assault unfortunately was not on our patch, as outside of school hours we patrol a tight ring around the vicinity of the Army Camp, and our priority needs to be looking out for foreign assailants and, of course, paranormal activity.
That’s why we love to share grainy black and white footage online of suspiciousness — you never know whether you’ll be capturing a person stumbling back from the pub or a spectre.”
Actively recruiting, the group currently operates with two units made up of pairs of members — one covering camp activity and the other covering school routes.
Perry Noid continued, “All activity around the camp is currently under the watchful eyes of Fred and Daphne, who also handle all social media and admin.
The pupils walking to and from school are under the jurisdiction of Velma and Shaggy, who also take a dog with them on their patrol, though they are keen to point out that their Great Dane was not the culprit of the attack, as he’s actually rather cowardly.”
Even though each member goes through rigorous training and promises that they would all pass a CRB check if one was requested, the feeling of many who live within the borough is that perhaps a third vigilante group should be formed to deal with the situations which the current ones are ill-equipped to deal with.
Marks & Spencers tries to secure rights to new unlikely cake invented by local bakery.
By Ron Peepers
Four years have passed since consumerism was shaken by the Caterpillar Cake Wars between Marks & Spencer and Aldi. The jolly-faced Colin found himself in a legal battle with his less costly counterpart, Cuthbert.
The copyright claims surrounding bakery bugs were further stretched by the likes of Cecil, Clyde, Curly, Carl, Chris and Merry-Sons, who disrupted the alliteration with Morris.
Eager to regain their top spot in creepy-crawly confectionery, M&S have been in discussion with a bakery run entirely by women at Crowborough Cross, called Cross Aunts.
Gaining traction on social media, Cross Aunts are known for innovative cake designs, including one that has gone viral: Wilbur the Woodlouse.
Available in two poses: Regular or Scared (curled into a ball).
“The inspiration behind Wilbur was simple. He was in the flour sack one morning, we set him free, and since then he has returned every day, like clockwork. We baked a cake in his honour and shared it on the interwebs and the rest is history,” explained Shannon Soggybottom.
Though the future for Cross Aunts looks rosy, they are now faced with a dilemma: allow M&S to acquire the rights, or push for Wilbur — and the Woodlouse Cake — to have Protected Geographical Status, meaning it could only be manufactured within the borough.
By keeping Wilbur local, Cross Aunts are considering expanding into industrial facilities, which could create 37 new jobs.
M&S have put forward a lucrative offer to the independent bakery, however Shannon Soggybottom believes a better deal could be struck.
“We’re hoping M&S instead of trying to buy Wilbur will provide the investment needed to bring this terrestrial isopod to life in exchange for exclusive rights to sell him in their stores. Fingers crossed, eh?”
Venison from TV’s Gladiators visits local school to spread her message of health & fitness
By Ron Peepers
Pupils across Crowborough this week have been delighted to meet local legend Venison from TV’s Gladiators, who was currently touring schools in order to promote fitness and the importance of a balanced diet.
Venison impressed with a fun and informative talk on fruit and veg, with the finale consisting of bursting an apple between her biceps to the amazement of the wide-eyed youngsters.
She then demonstrated her stamina and strength by sprinting 100m with a child hanging off each arm.
Venison confided to The Crowborough Crusader that the days when she used to be a Pink Ladle were behind her and that she had moved forward with her life.
“I used to be quite active in that group and the way things were going I was working my way up the ranks to become alpha. But one day I just thought there has to be a better way of improving the lives of children than waving banners and blaming it all on immigrants.
So instead I now safeguard their futures by making sure they live long and healthy lives, make good life choices and have a decent, wholesome role model to look up to.”
Venison autographed glossy promotional shots and left all of the students with a little more nutritional knowledge than they started off with, and smiles all round.
How to Play the new local card game: Crowborough Jacks
By Ron Peepers
It has come to the attention of The Crowborough Crusader that a new card game has been sweeping the local taverns and members’ clubs known as Crowborough Jacks.
Below you’ll find all you need to learn the rules yourself.
To play Crowborough Jacks you’ll need:
One deck of cards
A pen and paper for keeping score.
The aim of the game is to either be the person who gets 120 flags on lampposts first (score 120 points) or to be the last one who has any boxes of flags left (which act as lives).
The Setup
Each player’s name is written down and underneath it are 5 squares per player, which act as boxes of flags.
To decide who goes first, cut the cards. The person with the highest card starts, proceeding clockwise to the next person’s turn afterwards.
Gameplay
Each player, on their turn, must shuffle the deck then declare the number of cards they wish to turn over. They then turn up that many cards for all players to see. The player then adds up the value of the cards to determine their score (with aces counting as 1).
However, if the player turns up a Queen, two of their flags get taken down by the anti-protesters and they have to deduct 2 points from their total.
If a King gets turned up, then the local authorities remove 5 flags from the lampposts and you deduct 5 from the total.
If a Jack gets turned up, then the police seize a box of your flags, and you lose a life, which you record by striking through a box next to your name on the score sheet.
End of Game
The game ends when someone has put 120 flags up (scored 120 points) or is the last one to have any boxes of flags left.
Let’s Look at a Typical Round
It’s player one’s go. They shuffle the pack, declare “4” and turn 4 cards facing up in front of them.
They get: A, 4, 9, 9.
This adds to 23 flags raised onto lampposts and they have 23 added to their score.
Player two shuffles the deck and declares “3” and turns 3 cards face up in front of them.
They get: 4, 7, K.
This means they scored 11 but have to lose 5 points as the authorities removed 5 flags. This means only 6 is added to the score this time.
Player three shuffles the deck and declares “8”. They deal 8 cards face up.
They get: A, A, 2, 5, 5, 8, 9, J.
Because they turned up a Jack, the police have seized a box of their flags and they lose a life and score no points for that round.
Good Luck.
The Shielded Crows speak out that doing good, isn’t good.
In a recent broadcast to the people of Crowborough Paula Otherone of The Shielded Crows criticised sympathisers and the underground network of volunteers helping the migrant camp.
She claims to have spoken to migrant charities who she says agree with her that kind gestures and helping human beings is counterproductive.
She explains:
“They may think they’re doing the right thing but it’s like those people who put saucers of milk out for hedgehogs at night, it’s not doing them any favours in the long run.”
When pressed as to why she thought teaching people English and donating warm clothes was a bad idea she replied.
“Well they’re like the hedgehogs in this scenario...and hedgehogs can’t speak English or wear clothes so I think the argument is pretty self explanatory really.”
When probed for an update on the legal case at the expense of the town’s donations Paula Otherone offered no further comment.
Letters to the Editor
Saw people advertising Octopus Energy the other day.
I had no idea sea creatures were a renewable power source.
Ray Sovlight.
If I’m “unhappy and I know it” do I still “clap my hands?”
Lorna Mower
Free-range chickens, sure—but you never see free-range Quorn, do you?
It makes you think!
Maureen Soreen
STAR LETTER
I don’t like
to hurt anyone’s
feelings so when I
vote I put an “X”
as a kiss in all the
boxes.
Sharon Myfeelings
Puzzle Time
For the first time in recent history Crowborough Scouts: Cauliflower troop won’t be taking place in a St. George’s day parade due to safety reasons in a current hostile climate.
Instead they offer this puzzle—can you match the names to these local knots.
A
Crowborough Knot at its best.
B
Knot Going to Stop Filming You
C
Peaceful Protest… Knot!
D
Knot another vigilante patrol
Notices
The Pink Ladles
As you may or may not know, The Pink Ladles are having a rally outside the Home Office on the 24th of April where we will be amassing and shouting that women and children are at danger from foreign men, not our lot as British men are more than welcome to join.
It is not, as some might say, weaponising violence against women and girls for our own ends in the slightest and, if anyone disagrees, of course we’ll crush ’em.
Furthermore, we fully endorse anybody that wishes to remove their child from the safety of school and drag them along to a potentially volatile protest in the middle of the capital.
Collective Heads of all Schools in Crowborough
We do not endorse the removal of children from school to attend protests.
Louise Smorrals MP for Sussex & Weald
Just to reassure The Shielded Crows we’re still good friends but the election is just around the corner and I need to spend some time with my local political besties for a while, so let’s have coffee after the 7th May.
Lou Smorrals
Crowborough Beware!
We are currently in discussion with East Sussex Police with regards to being able to fit our enforcement vehicle with a siren.
Sirens are classified as "audible warning instruments" under Regulation 99 of the Road Vehicles (Construction and Use) Regulations 1986, and their use is restricted to vehicles being used for specific emergency purposes.
As we believe Crowborough Beware! should be classified as an emergency service it is only a matter of time before we are given clearance to fit the ‘Mystery Machine’ with the appropriate kit.
Wealden Wildlife Centre
To clarify an earlier article, do not give milk to hedgehogs as they cannot digest lactose properly. If you wish to feed them please provide high quality meat based pet food.
Teaching English to hedgehogs is not harmful, but is unlikely to yield purposeful results.
Our Streets
Unarguable Kindness
Photo of the week submitted by:
The Friendly Neighbourhood Sign Guy
A little Raya Flight
Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.
By Raya Flight
Nothing quite beats the glow and feeling of clarity you get from a run. One of life’s simple pleasures is popping the AirPods in and hitting the street before the world has woken up on a Sunday morning.
Though there are two little battles I need to overcome. Firstly to release myself from the warmth of the duvet and put my trainers on. Secondly to push through the wall when I feel as though I’ve come to my physical limit.
This year I have done the couch to 5K plan and already felt the benefits so I now kind of see what all the fuss is about.
Which reminds me that the London Marathon is fast approaching!
A marathon is way beyond my endurance but luckily Crowborough has its own champions who will be running for charity through the gruelling 26.2 miles.
The training and effort will go to benefitting the likes of:
The British Red Cross, Brain Research UK, Growing Hope, Dementia UK, Scope, Alzheimer’s Research UK, Get Kids Going and Shooting Star Children’s Hospices.
A massive and heartfelt thanks to: William Applegate, Claire Lambell, Rob Stevens, Les Fisk, Daryl Hopkins, Yasmine Lewis, Tessa Kirk-Duncan, Craig Beer, and anyone else who is carb-loading and making sure they have enough electrolytes ahead of the race.
I certainly will be having a rest day on the 26th and will be tuning in to cheer you on.
The perseverance of these plucky athletes goes to show that Crowborough truly does run on kindness.
Final Thought
Ron Peepers
This week has more than amply been filled with the busy ongoings of the vibrant Crowborough community. In addition to the regular news, we have also had two VIP visitors to the town: firstly Venison from Gladiators, and secondly a surprise appearance from the leader of The Former Party — Neville Barrage — which shall feature in next week’s issue.
We give thanks and gratitude to The Friendly Neighbourhood Sign Guy for giving us a reason to smile, and hope that the skies stay sunny for a rousing St. George’s Day ahead.
As ever, unfortunately we neither have the time nor the column inches to inform you of the upcoming changes to bus ticket prices, the latest crimes reported by Sussex Police, and whether the capybaras are finally on their way to our town.
Next Issue: Saturday 25th April
Should Sea Shanties only be reserved for people who live on or by the sea? – No, says Crowborough’s all-male choir.
Planning permission denied for motte-and-bailey castle to be built on Ashdown Forest.
Surprise visit from Neville Barrage leader of The Former Party.
Plus more from: Raya Flight, Town Notices, Our Streets: photo of the week and Puzzletime!