Issue 10 Transcript / Published April 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough
 APR 2026 – Issue 10
 www.crowboroughcrusader.com


Welcome

The Great British institution that is the Grand National takes place this Saturday.

Similarly, your local institution, The Crowborough Crusader, returns for another run.


The Team

Ron Peepers – Editor and Journalist
 Moz – Cartoonist
 Raya Flight – Junior Reporter
 Casper Teatime – DJ & Musical Journalist


Crowborough Vigilante Patrol Splits Following Troll Review

By Ron Peepers

Beginning around the end of November in 2025, the vigilante patrol group began participating in the protest marches against the asylum seekers in the army camp, as well as pacing the mean streets protecting its citizens, until they found their true vocation after identifying a half-man, half-troll creature and redubbed their band of amateur paladins Crowborough: Part-Troll.

Last week, the leader Nigel Cellophane instructed Norwegian troll expert Jørn Jannsson to assist with investigations following his success in eradicating the Moomin population when it breached the Finnish border.

After reviewing all available evidence, Jannsson concluded that the sightings so far seem dubious at best, that the obtained hair samples were most likely “cat”, and that the organisation had made a mockery of the serious profession of troll hunting, before swiftly returning to Norway.

The ramifications were seismic, leading to dissent with five forming their own patrol group. Their main disagreement is that they still believe some supernatural being is present in Crowborough but, on the advice of Jannsson, now believe it is, in fact, not a troll.

Their breakaway group will now be known as Crowborough: Beware! They believe that the connotation of the word “beware”, paired with the exclamation mark, encapsulates the seriousness and open-minded approach to investigating all otherworldly beings in the area.

As with the formation of a new group, it is important to show the distinctions between Crowborough: Part-Troll and the new Crowborough: Beware! groups.

The former wear red caps. The latter wear blue caps.

Perry Noid, the new leader of Crowborough: Beware!, informed The Crowborough Crusader that:

“I got a really good deal on headwear. The salesman said that each one of them had been enchanted with protection against the abominations of the unnatural world and could be emblazoned with our logo at no extra cost.”

With two patrols on the case, Crowborough is now doubly safe. Thank you for your service.


Meeting renewable energy expectations for Crowborough now looking less grave.

By Ron Peepers

Crowborough is well known within the UK as having one of the most progressive attitudes to environmentalism. Its uptake of green, non-polluting electric vehicles has increasingly been on the rise, with more motorists these days resorting to their own energy supply to keep them mobile rather than relying on petrol pumps.

With change comes its own unique set of challenges, including how local energy suppliers plan to keep up with electricity demand, and how it can be supplied in a way which has the lowest carbon footprint whilst giving real value to the customer.

However, a solution might have presented itself in the form of an idea by Reverend Rentaghost.

“I was bidding farewell and Easter blessings to my flock, I surveyed my surroundings and noticed the graves surrounding the church and thought to myself all those poor souls could be put to better use.”

Reverend Rentaghost realised that the graveyard was just a large amount of land containing corpses and that, with the right technology, each grave could be adapted to not only be a monument to the deceased but also a fully functioning solar panel.

This scalable source of power could then be rolled out to all the parishes and graveyards within the country. Combined with a large solar battery on site, which could be kept in a disused belfry or a spacious mausoleum, it could hold the charge through cloudy days or overnight.

Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger heralded the idea, calling it “revolutionary” in the field of power supply, but was quick to reassure the people of Crowborough that the entire operation would be carried out with dignity for those who were grieving and those who ceased to be.

Cllr Fishfinger also addressed safety concerns due to high-voltage cables running in between gravestones.

“The public have absolutely nothing to worry about, the cables will be buried and, should a surge occur underground, the chances of reanimating the dead are minimal, it can never be 0% but it is within acceptable parameters.”

Reverend Rentaghost quipped that his parishioners wouldn’t just be benefitting from his thoughts on Sunday, but every “Sun”day.


Wooden it be nice if we could all get along?

By Ron Peepers

Dog walkers and fresh air enthusiasts are spoilt for choice when it comes to places of beauty to trek through on our doorstep. As well as having the iconic Ashdown Forest, on the outskirts near Hadlow Down lies the Wibbly Wobbly Wood.

This functional forest has been a force for good in the community and has hosted countless school trips, wellbeing visits, and is managed by dedicated staff and a whole host of volunteers.

Being humanitarians, owners Ivor Lottawood and his wife extended an invitation for some of the asylum seekers in the Crowborough camp to attend a woodworking workshop.

This kind gesture immediately caught the attention of a few members of Some of Crowborough Says No who decided that this sort of thing really wasn’t on.

Gary Bothersome, who in the last issue was reported to have parted ways with the organisation, could be seen on camera threatening staff that if they continued with their altruistic act he would “cause trouble” and would “unleash 1000 protestors” onto the site.

Barry Cade, leader of Some of Crowborough Says No, commented:

“This kind of behaviour is really unacceptable and that’s why we have decided to go our separate routes. I mean doxing — fine, nastiness online — all par for the course, threatening — sure... but being caught, that’s where we draw the line.”

Gary Bothersome, true to his word, used his connections to muster up just shy of half a dozen campaigners from a sympathetic group.

Wearing a tracksuit and cape fashioned from a Union Flag, a spokesperson from Moving the Migrants On stated whilst using air quotes, and the final sentence being punctuated with a fist to the palm:

“We spoke to the ‘owner’ and ‘agreed’ that it would not be wise to proceed as planned and have ‘decided’ to withdraw their invitation.”


Vinyl-y I’m Alone

Hashbrown Radio’s answer to Desert Island Discs
 By Casper Teatime

Hullo to all you groovy pop-pickers out there — and, dare I say, the ever-loyal Hashbrown Radio listeners. I’ve been a keen admirer of The Crowborough Crusader since its inception, and was absolutely thrilled when Ron Peepers invited me to lend my own particular take on that most cherished of formats, Desert Island Discs.

Due to certain considerations, the segment shall be known as Stuck Beyond the Uck — which, if your imagination will permit, is every bit as barren and uncivilised as any desert island.

Guests will be invited to choose five of the most meaningful tracks that have influenced them through the years, followed by one luxury item (not exceeding £20 in value), and will, of course, be provided with the customary copy of the Crowborough Bylaws to while away their time in seclusion.

As this is our first instalment, I thought I might turn the tables — on my own turntables, no less — and share with you a selection of songs that have been quite monumental in my life so far.

The Troggs – Wild Thing (1966)
 [content preserved…]

George Michael – Careless Whisper (1984)
 Reminds me of a photo we had on the mantle of me as a toddler smiling with Cadbury chocolate over my hands and face.
 Careless Wispa.

Enya – Orinoco Flow (1988)

It boggles the brain to think that, before the late ’80s, nobody had heard cover songs performed by panpipes. Punk and pop were passe, as relaxation was where it was at. Enya paved the way for such tranquillity, and “Orinoco” is still to this day my favourite womble.

Ricky Martin – Livin’ La Vida Loca (1999)

It was a crazy, crazy time — the ’90s — and nobody really encapsulated just how fast the world was changing around us. The internet, new mobile phones, Tamagotchis, and a sense of optimism that made you feel as though you could take the world on.

It did feel like life was a tad “upside, inside out.”


Baha Men – Who Let the Dogs Out? (2000)

Probably the most philosophical question ever asked in song form — and one to this day that has not been answered. What breed of canine was let out? How many of them? Who did they belong to?

This haunting question is never too far away from what’s going on in my noggin.


So this leaves me with just a luxury to choose — one that must come in under the value of a crisp £20 note.

If I were Stuck Beyond the Uck, I think the item I would choose would be a Hashbrown FM all-weather poncho, available from our gift shop. Every time I donned the fluorescent pink protector, I would be reminded of all the other DJs who work at that loony bin of a station.

So I know I’ll have the town bylaws to peruse at my leisure, and the poncho will see me through the tougher moments. But if a great wave were to sweep all the discs away and I could keep just one, which would it be?

I think I would have to go with the Baha Men, as pondering over its mysteries has never left me unbaffled.


If you know who I should invite as my next guest on Stuck Beyond the Uck, why not drop me a line at:

thecrowboroughcrusader@proton.me

And do remember to tune in weekdays for the drive-time show, 4pm–7pm, on East Sussex’s favourite radio station, Hashbrown FM.

Ponchos available from the Hashbrown FM store via the website. RRP £19.99.



Ricky Martin – Livin’ La Vida Loca (1999)

It was a crazy, crazy time — the ’90s — and nobody really encapsulated just how fast the world was changing around us. The internet, new mobile phones, Tamagotchis, and a sense of optimism that made you feel as though you could take the world on.

It did feel like life was a tad “upside, inside out.”


Baha Men – Who Let the Dogs Out? (2000)

Probably the most philosophical question ever asked in song form — and one to this day that has not been answered. What breed of canine was let out? How many of them? Who did they belong to?

This haunting question is never too far away from what’s going on in my noggin.


So this leaves me with just a luxury to choose — one that must come in under the value of a crisp £20 note.

If I were Stuck Beyond the Uck, I think the item I would choose would be a Hashbrown FM all-weather poncho, available from our gift shop. Every time I donned the fluorescent pink protector, I would be reminded of all the other DJs who work at that loony bin of a station.

So I know I’ll have the town bylaws to peruse at my leisure, and the poncho will see me through the tougher moments. But if a great wave were to sweep all the discs away and I could keep just one, which would it be?

I think I would have to go with the Baha Men, as pondering over its mysteries has never left me unbaffled.


If you know who I should invite as my next guest on Stuck Beyond the Uck, why not drop me a line at:

thecrowboroughcrusader@proton.me

And do remember to tune in weekdays for the drive-time show, 4pm–7pm, on East Sussex’s favourite radio station, Hashbrown FM.

Ponchos available from the Hashbrown FM store via the website. RRP £19.99.


Letters to the Editor

Top tip!
 Hate the end slices of bread?
 Put them in the middle.
 — Jim Membership

Went camping.
 Packed the wrong compass.
 Kept going around in circles.
 — Di Ameter

Why does a bicycle need a bike stand, when it has a seat?
 It makes you think!
 — Maureen Soreen


Star Letter

That 80’s song by Flock of Seagulls was right.
 Iran (So Far Away)
 — Michelle Suit


Notices

The Shielded Crows

A massive thank you to Some of Crowborough Says No, The Pink Ladles, the vigilante patrol groups, Raising the Coloured Crayons… too many to mention, for supporting us right from the start, but more importantly for keeping your distance now so as not to taint our credible brand.

By stepping back from the marches (which we created), it has really shown that we are the face of Crowborough asylum seeker opposition that can be trusted with money and with court documents.

As such, we have now attached ourselves to Lou Smorrals, MP for Sussex & Weald, and are not looking for other like-minded companions at this time.

Oh—but your money is still good, preferably through bank transfer or postal order, as, you know, the whole keeping-our-distance thing.


Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger

The flags along the A26 are unauthorised and will be removed. Let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with flying an England Flag or Union Flag on property you own or have permission to use, provided it is not near a busy road. Common sense, really.

As nobody adopted the Sponsor a Lamppost scheme that we ran last year, all street furniture remains off limits to public adaptation.

Should you wish to have your banners returned, you may collect them from the community centre. They will be pressed, washed and returned to you once your fine has been paid.


Watchers of Weight Announcement

There seems to have been a little confusion at our meeting last week when we strongly urged you all to “get your five-a-day.”

We did mean fruit and vegetables, not cigarettes.


Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger

Oh, and another thing. In reference to the last issue regarding the use of capybaras to graze the roadside verges to save on mowing, there appears to be a slight hitch.

Our Brazilian supplier, Belmira Silva, has informed Wealden District Council that the capybaras are a little anxious about emigrating to the area, having heard rumours that Crowborough has not been especially welcoming of late.

We are, of course, working on this.


Our Streets

Adder Nuff Of This One
 Photo of the week submitted by: Beverley Quiteimportant
 Taken on the Pink Ladles annual picnic.


A Little Raya Flight

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town
 By Raya Flight

[Full article preserved as written — community pantry piece]


Final Thought

Ron Peepers

It is stirring to see sunlight and warmth return to the town, with Ashdown Forest now covered in gorse and ruddy-faced ramblers enjoying nature. A caution to all dog walkers: keep your dogs close by, as adders (as seen above in the Pink Ladles’ photo submission) are now active.

I wish you all the luck you require in your choices of horse for this year’s Grand National and, like the thoroughbreds racing towards the final post, The Crowborough Crusader’s remaining time for this issue is hurtling towards its deadline.

As always, there is never enough time to cover everything that needs to be covered in Crowborough, including planning permission being granted to construction companies and the St John’s Ambulance guide to what to do if you are bitten by an adder.


Next Issue: Saturday 18th April

Plus more from: Raya Flight, Town Notices, Our Streets, and Puzzletime!