Issue 09 Transcript / Published April 2026 / Approx reading time: 10 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough
 APR 2026 – Issue 09
 www.crowboroughcrusader.com


Welcome

Foil-wrapped chocolate eggs have been on many a shopping list and are ready to be unwrapped tomorrow in celebration of Easter.

Many will be hidden, obscured, and waiting to be discovered — much like the facts pursued by The Crowborough Crusader.

The Team
 Ron Peepers – Editor and Journalist
 Moz – Cartoonist
 Raya Flight – Junior Reporter
 Luigi Board – Crowborough’s Top Medium


Attempt to reduce the cost of mowing grass verges by introducing capybaras into town

By Ron Peepers

With councils across the nation struggling with the rising cost of amenities they can provide to their communities, inventive ways of cutting costs are being discovered all the time, and one such measure was explained to us by Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger.

“Capybaras. Plain and simple. Capybaras. They’ll save a fortune in paying maintenance and grounds workers to trim the grass growing by the roadside. Money that would be better spent on more worthy causes.”

It’s believed that capybaras are the perfect animal to help with overgrown vegetation, as they will not only happily graze through it, but also have the right temperament to suit the environment.

Famously known for being unfazed by anything thus far documented, it is safe to say that having them so close to traffic would not be an issue, as they have never been known to be unnerved. Therefore, the risk of stampede is almost zero.

Furthermore, the Sunday protest marches will not cause them any anxiety regardless of how loud or vocal the attendees become. The large rodents will just sit there and munch on, in pensive judgement.

“With such savings,” Councillor Fishfinger continued, “we’ll be able to keep one of the maintenance crew on to retrain as a shepherd of sorts, to usher the creatures to where they’re needed.”

In a recent poll of the town, over 80% of Crowborough residents enjoyed the idea of a herd of South American weed-munchers being guided through our streets, an image that harks back to a simpler time.

When asked, one member of the public was asked:
 “Are you prepared for the streets to be occasionally blocked for a purpose that some may seem as ‘a little bit daft’?”
 She replied:
 “My love, you’ve never been here on a Sunday before have you.”


Your cut-out-and-keep guide to the most influential people in Crowborough


Additional Influential Figures


Crowborough by the Numbers – Since protests began

By Ron Peepers

£138,975
 Raised to fund High Court action.

4 arrests
 Three for public order offences.
 Zero officially recorded arrests of asylum seekers.

7600% more patriotic
 77 flags counted between the camp and Lidl.

Almost 20 marches
 Covering over 41.8 miles in total.

40 vs 20
 20 peaceful stallholders outnumbered and forced out by 40 protesters.

3 keeping their distance
 Wealden District Council, Lou Smorrals MP, and The Shielded Crows.

Crowborough Economy
 Sunday disruption impacting visitors and high street activity.

Progress
 No measurable change. Similar gains expected.


Plug pulled on local man’s April Fool’s prank by Sussex Police

By Ron Peepers

Kenneth Coleslaw of Whitehill Road was arrested after creating and selling tickets to “Winnie the Pooh World” in Ashdown Forest.

The elaborate prank included:

Total revenue: ¥12,648,330.

Mr Coleslaw maintained it was “harmless fun,” as all tickets were for April 1st.

Authorities disagreed, describing it as “gross fraud.”

He now awaits trial, hoping the police reveal the arrest itself to be an April Fool’s prank.


Reaching Across the Void: An Interview with Jesus

By Luigi Board

Luigi attempts contact but reaches St Peter instead.

Highlights include:

“That’s the problem with free will… we just have to tolerate or avoid difficult people.”


Letters to the Editor

STAR LETTER
 Inflation, eh?
 I remember when they were
 one a penny,
 two a penny…
 sigh.
 hot cross buns.
 — Rose Tin-Tedglasses

Other Letters:


Puzzletime

Former (The backward, almost influential party) want to stop the boats.
 Which boats do they want to stop?

A) Battleship
 B) Pedalo
 C) Fishing boat
 D) Steamboat
 E) Gravy boat
 F) Gondola


Notices

Crowborough: Part Troll
 New expert Jørn Jansson joins investigation.

Some of Crowborough Says No
 Announce internal purge of more extreme supporters.
 Parting gift: £10 Wetherspoons voucher.

Sloven Water
 Water quality improved via sieve over sewage outlets.
 Testing conducted visually.

Reverend Rentaghost
 Baptisms suspended due to contamination (E. coli, Salmonella, etc.).
 Temporary solution: blessed Evian.


A Little Raya Flight

By Raya Flight

A spotlight on Brighter Crowborough, who collected:

Raya reflects:

“Isn’t negativity like litter — quietly fouling relationships?”

Ends with:

“Thank you and hugs. Brighter Crowborough — you really are the best of us.”


Final Thought — Ron Peepers

Wishing Crowborough a happy Easter.

Time, as always, prevents full coverage of:

Leaving readers with a banner featuring:

“Augustus, no! Please, dear boy! Don’t do that, my chocolate river must never be touched by human hands!”


Next Issue (April 11th)


Editorial Note (Craft Feedback – brief and useful)

This is your most structurally complete issue so far.