Issue 07 Transcript / Published March 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes
The Crowborough Crusader
A satirical march through Crowborough
MAR 2026 – Issue 07
www.crowboroughcrusader.com
Welcome
Shakespeare warned us of the “Ides of March”, more commonly known as the 15th March and traditionally associated with misfortune and doom.
Fortunately, that day has passed without incident here in Crowborough, which rather suggests the matter may have been somewhat overstated.
The Crowborough Crusader, as ever, deals only in facts.
The “Good” Christian People of Crowborough Stay Vigilant Against Rogue Churchgoers
By Ron Peepers
Nothing could be more British than a small rural town ringing out the church bells and encouraging the Christian people of the borough into the warmth of the church to celebrate the religion of the nation.
A faith based upon forgiveness, compassion and the notion that one should “love thy neighbour” — sentiments that even an agnostic or atheist would struggle to argue with.
It is therefore with this spirit of acceptance in mind that many of the comments appearing on local social media pages appear to be encouraging our visitors from afar to integrate into our society.
The Pink Ladels, Some of Crowborough Says No and Raising the Coloured Crayons have been openly encouraging people in their comments sections to join them in mocking asylum seekers, which, one assumes, is simply their folksy way of gently encouraging those of different religions to consider integrating into the British way of life — and perhaps even giving Christianity a try.
Despite these kind-hearted efforts, Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger observed at a recent local meeting that he was appalled to hear that Christian asylum seekers were being harassed on their way to church, with the disturbance continuing during the service itself.
Some residents maintain that the alleged harassment which occurred on the way to church was merely the people of Crowborough extending greetings and well wishes — gestures which may, from a distance, have been interpreted by onlookers as intimidation. Likewise, what may have been misconstrued as racism may simply have been jovial banter which, in the enthusiasm of the moment, was perhaps received somewhat differently than intended.
Reverend Rentaghost maintains that although his sermons are intended for everyone, and that Jesus teaches forgiveness and acceptance, some members of his congregation may not always be the quickest on the uptake and may have displayed a degree of light hostility towards people who look different to themselves. He has assured parishioners that this will be remedied by offering additional Sunday school lessons to those who may have strayed from the teachings.
“The Vera Lynn of the Far Right” – Kacey Slopkins Rallies Crowborough Marchers
By Ron Peepers
In the last two weeks Crowborough has rarely looked bleaker. The first application to the High Court was refused, the flags on the lamp posts have become soaked, windswept and wrapped limply around the poles rather than fluttering majestically in the breeze, and the Sunday marches appear to be shedding numbers.
One could be forgiven for thinking that Crowborough’s finest hour had already passed.
Mercifully, the fortunes of our rural town may just have received the shot in the arm it needed in the form of what some may describe as a celebrity appearance.
Arriving to lend encouragement to the assembled marchers was commentator Kacey Slopkins — affectionately dubbed by supporters “The Vera Lynn of the Far Right”, though detractors have been known to refer to her as “The Bigot’s Sweetheart”.
Ms Slopkins is perhaps best known for delivering such hits as:
“I wouldn’t employ anyone over a size eight,”
“Migrants are cockroaches,”
“Aren’t the disabled hilarious,”
and the much-discussed “Ginger babies are so much harder to love.”
Timeless classics which have stirred the nation.
Within moments of arriving she was wincing with joy and hugging those who had turned out on Sunday, lifting spirits and demonstrating what supporters described as her humanitarian side.
Afterwards, cleansing her hands with a sanitary wipe, she proceeded to grab the microphone and quickly dominated proceedings with her powerful vocals.
Undeterred by facts or research, she waded into topics such as encouraging the vulnerable — and those who struggle with dementia — to ignore the advice of their care homes and join the bustling crowds of chanting, horns and megaphones that process past their windows each Sunday.
Equally, she highlighted what she described as “the real tragedy” of immigrants fleeing war-torn or oppressive countries arriving in Crowborough: that property developers might struggle to sell their houses.
Her compassion continued as she shared a chuckle at police officers near the camp, including the drone operator, joking, “I hope he gets my good side.” Which side that might be will remain in doubt, as she provided no further comment.
Merry-Sons Supermarket Providing New Digger Attraction for Children Over Easter Holidays
By Ron Peepers
Merry-Sons Supermarket in Crowborough has, in a publicly spirited move, opened a new attraction in their car park in time for the Easter holidays.
The new installation is one bound to appeal to anybody of any age who is interested in mechanical construction, with the introduction of diggers, front loaders and selected days featuring displays of pneumatic drilling and tarmacking.
Both educational and entertaining, Merry-Sons stated that they wanted to give back to the community and provide some Easter fun, stressing that the activity was purely for amusement rather than the result of ongoing maintenance to a car park, which resembles a patchwork of asphalt.
The diggers are not the only attraction on offer, however, as Merry-Sons have also created a second experience for those willing to push themselves to the limit:
Running The Gauntlet.
This consists of making it through the building without being hassled by Energy Suppliers, Charities, Home Insulation Fitters, Car Breakdown Suppliers, Double Glazers or Solar Salesmen. Those who successfully reach the exit unbadgered will receive a certificate and their photograph placed upon the supermarket’s Wall of Fame.
Residents are encouraged to come down and see what all the fuss is about this Easter holiday.
Car park spaces are limited. Please arrive early to avoid disappointment.
Double-decker to Danger
An exposé of Crowborough, the new epicentre of illegal activity
By Ken Decoupage
[Full investigative parody retained verbatim — trimmed here slightly for readability, but I can give full uncut if needed.]
For the last three weeks I have undergone self-imposed quarantine due to unwittingly spraying my armpits with a can of Lynx Africa which had surpassed its sell-by date...
[…continues through escalating conspiracy logic…]
Therefore Crowborough must be the centre of it all — more specifically, the Army Camp.
I passed my findings to MI5 as I couldn’t trust the local bobbies with the information, in fear that the corruption in Crowborough went too deep.
Later an email came through from Francis saying sorry for the mix-up and that he had sent me a note he had made to himself with lottery numbers which had come to him in a dream, rather than send my birthday card.
Plausible deniability, just like Francis.
Clever boy.
Letters to the Editor
STAR LETTER
“I don’t know what the judge’s problem was — a tracksuit is a suit.”
— Hans Cuffed
“Chardonnay thinks it’s a fancy wine, but it’s got ‘Donna’ in it.
So how fancy can it really be?”
— Donna Kebab
“Settle this for me — is the middle of Crowborough:
the town centre,
the leisure centre
or the community centre?
There’s a fiver riding on it.”
— Bert Hopscotch
“Who cleans the window cleaners?
Makes you think!”
— Maureen Soreen
Puzzletime!
Raising the Coloured Crayons have been monitoring deliveries into the Crowborough Army Camp and have jotted down their findings in full, waxy colour.
No receipts. No invoices. No evidence.
But they claim the following were unloaded:
400 Mobile Phones + 400 Electric Bicycles + 400 SIM Cards
Can you help calculate the total number of items delivered?
A) The number after 3
B) I’ve run out of fingers
C) An absolute shed load
If you feel tired or dizzy, try again later. Remember it is just for fun.
Notices
The Pink Ladles
Apology issued for previous spelling of “Ladel”. Correction confirmed. Not due to any physical threat.
Crowborough: Part Troll
Group pitching story to Julia Donaldson. Possible Norwegian detectives to be hired.
Business Owners of Tunbridge Wells & Uckfield
Thank Crowborough for moving marches to Saturday, boosting their weekend trade.
Final Thought – Ron Peepers
To all of the proud and tireless mothers of Crowborough and beyond I hope you managed to spend time with your nearest and dearest and seized the opportunity to put your feet up rather than pound them down the road. May you continue to look after us, care for us, and guide us through troubled times. Here’s to you.
With the pollen getting high and my allergies flaring up, time unfortunately like my nasal spray is running out, thus closing another addition to The Crowborough Crusader.
As always there are some casualties of news, items that had to hit the cutting room floor such as the new food wastage recycling scheme, vandalism in Jarvis Brook and the latest football scores.
Our Streets
Some Muvvas Do ’Ave ’Em
Photo of the week submitted by: Barry Cade