Issue 5 Transcript / Published March 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

Issue 05 — March 2026
A satirical march through Crowborough

www.crowboroughcrusader.com

© 2026 The Crowborough Crusader
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Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group.

Welcome

The month has only just turned to March, yet Crowborough has been marching for weeks — and faithfully at its heel, like a loyal sheepdog gently guiding the flock of facts, is The Crowborough Crusader.

Trading exclusively in ink, paper, and truth for the discerning people of Crowborough.

The Team

Ron Peepers — Editor and Journalist.

Moz — Cartoonist.

Introducing:

Luigi Board — Crowborough’s Top Medium.

The Shielded Crows Commended for Demonstrating Legal Readiness Ahead of Need

By Ron Peepers

As you may be aware, The Crowborough Crusader has been documenting the selflessness of The Shielded Crows to raise money for solicitors in need and at present have raised nearly £120,000 in order to support legal professionals who struggle in this climate of rising living costs.

By means of a token gesture of gratitude the solicitors have clubbed together and offered in return their services to try and get the High Court to look into a judicial review into a decision to house asylum seekers at an army camp in Crowborough.

Thankful for this reciprocated charity, The Shielded Crows, excited, booked a coach, filled it with champions of their cause and headed to the High Court Wednesday 25th February in high spirits. All seemingly went according to plan although due to the matter being a complicated one Judge Mullitover stated that he would share his ruling on Friday 27th February.

The day came and both the altruistic members of The Shielded Crows and the solicitors were waiting anxiously.

Judge Mullitover stated “It is a shame,” he said, “that I cannot rule in your favour. The difficulty is that you have suffered from what might be described as a premature application. As such, this particular avenue of litigation is now closed — though you may wish to explore alternative grounds and return at a more procedurally appropriate moment.”

He added noticing tears in their crest fallen eyes “You showed real moxy,” he observed, “and conducted yourselves with admirable poise — but you were, I’m afraid, a touch quick on the trigger. However no one leaves the High Court empty handed” and offered The Shielded Crows and their legal team some sweets, stickers and a t-shirt by way of consolation.

Though obviously saddened by the result, it was widely agreed that no real harm had been done. The legal professionals had received their much-needed donations and their gesture of assisting at court was, albeit undertaken with a certain over-eagerness, conducted with diligence and professionalism.

The Shielded Crows pledged to continue raising money from the people of Crowborough but also reiterated that by doing so we expect nothing in return.

Plagiarism Claims Scupper Booker Prize Hopes of Some of Crowborough Says No

By Ron Peepers

Some of Crowborough Says No, who were hotly tipped for winning the 2026 Booker Prize for Fiction, have unfortunately been disqualified from the nominations due to concerns that their latest submission bears a striking resemblance to stories already in circulation, The Crowborough Crusader can confirm.

The new category of Heightened Alarm Realism had only been introduced this year, which seemed to capture the imagination of the best and brightest wordsmiths that Some of Crowborough Says No had to offer. As such, they put forth their latest work of fiction: He Touched Her Hair.

The tale of an unidentifiable man describes how he alighted a bus and did something that could not be confirmed.

Crosby Bungalow, the renowned local literary critic, added:

“The genius of their writing is how they can conjure vivid imagery from the mists of ambiguity and vagueness to create something that seems to be as urgent as they can make it sound.”

With such praise, winning an award was bound to be a shoo-in. However, accounts of the very same tale — featuring an unnamed man, an unspecified act and a swift rise in alarm — have surfaced in numerous places and at numerous times.

Unable to guarantee that Some of Crowborough Says No’s work was materially distinct from these earlier versions, the Booker Prize committee has eliminated them from the proceedings.

Undeterred by the branding of “derivative fiction,” the authors have vowed to return with more stories that will “shock” and “amaze.”

Callum Tanktop, Laureate of Fiction for Some of Crowborough Says No, offered:

“It is a bit of a blow for the organisation and for me personally as an author, but have no doubt I and my fellow writers have endless tales in our heads which will find their audience.”

Previous works of Some of Crowborough Says No include:
Incident Involving Knives, and Extremely Uneasy: A Shopper’s Account of Asylum Seekers.

All titles are available from Dubious Fiction Publishing Ltd.

Local hunting groups to vote “No” on a ban on Dox Hunting

By Ron Peepers

The rural county of East Sussex has long been accustomed to preserving simple living and maintaining timeless traditions in an ever-increasing modern age. With Crowborough playing its part as a steadfast guardian of such customs, the town has never been shy in defending its country ways.

One such tradition recently brought under scrutiny is that of Dox Hunting, by which a person holding views at odds with the loudest voices may find their private details shared more widely than expected, before being pursued across hedgerows and bridleways by brightly clad riders and a determined pack of hounds.

Traditionally, the “kind,” “thoughtful” or rational comment is traced back to its owner and, when sufficient details of the writer have been gleaned, they are waved under the noses of the dogs until they pick up the scent and begin slavering in anticipation.

“It’s the most humane way to deal with these pests. When we catch up to them, they honestly don’t feel a thing,” added hunt leader Major Hindrance.

“What people don’t seem to realise,” he continued, “is that Dox Hunting is in our blood. It’s part of who we are — part of our British identity. It roots us back to our history, to nature.”

“Why, only recently we traced a young woman who had suggested that scattering carpet nails in front of the transport from the camp might not be the kindest of gestures. Once her details were laid before the pack, the usual proceedings followed. A little public instruction, a touch of ridicule, and a brisk pursuit until she thought better of further comment.”

He gave a courteous nod.

“All good sport, really.”

But this quaint countryside activity is now under attack from those that see the sport as “barbaric” and “nonsensical” and are trying to initiate a proposal for Dox Hunting to be outlawed.

MP for Sussex and Weald, Lou Smorrals, is currently liaising with the community and parliament to find the most advantageous standpoint to take which will help boost her career.

At present it is unknown which side of the fence she stands on.

Reaching across the void

An interview with St. George

By Luigi Board

With the growing popularity of banners fluttering on lamp posts stretching all the way from the bottom of Beacon Road to the middle of Beacon Road, The Crowborough Crusader kindly asked whether I would use my gifts in trying to contact St. George from the spirit world to shed some light on the lore, symbolism and what it truly means to be British.

After creating a pentagram out of copper 2p pieces, and placing an eggcup containing a burning tea-bag at its centre, a vision of St. George appeared before me in a cloudy aura.

I called out “Patron Saint of England if you can hear me, please respond.” then suddenly there came a voice, strong, confident which stated.

“Merhaba, ben Aziz George.”

Fortunately, modern telecommunications offer certain bridging tools between realms and we were then free to converse with each other henceforth.

He then advised “Speak quickly, my friend, my time here is fleeting but I shall answer three of your questions before I go.”

I recounted that I was here on behalf of the people of Crowborough, I was here to get answers to satisfy their curiosity for historical accuracy.

St George nodded solemnly and I asked the first question from Simon Fiddle-sticks. “Did you really slay a dragon?”

George winced slightly then carefully answered by saying. “Well, the other soldiers and I were having a picnic outside of Göreme when an Ocellated Skink approached the blanket, I let out an unfortunately high-pitched shriek and tapped it over the head with a breadstick. It retreated to the undergrowth and ever since then I’ve been ribbed by my Legion as ‘George the Dragon Slayer’.”

I could see that St. George didn’t have long, so I pressed onward with the next question sent in by Anita Notherbrandy.

“St George, why do you wear the symbol of the red cross on a white background?” (As was present on his polo shirt.)

“Hmm… it’s all a little confusing,” he began. “I was beheaded in the year 303. Then, over a thousand years after that, the symbol began to gain traction and appeared on buildings, garments and banners — wherever the Crusades travelled, the cross travelled also.

It became a way for Britain to announce itself abroad. Back then one did not require documents, passports or visas — merely a banner and an army.

I digress. Some two hundred years after that, Britain heard of the skink incident which, over time, had been interpreted rather more literally than intended. I was subsequently adopted as patron saint and placed beneath the same red cross on white.”

“I have time for one more question before they serve dessert, tonight it’s baklava.”

Lastly, The Shielded Crows, Raising the Coloured Crayons, The Pink Ladels and Spot the Wethersfield Buses all wish to know what you make of their efforts regarding the asylum seekers at the camp in Crowborough, as they continually raise your flag as a symbol of Britishness.

Slightly bemused, George replied in a fading voice, “They are asking a 1,700-year-old Turkish soldier how I feel about what it means to be British and the ongoing affairs of a small town… how do I answer this politely? As you might say, it has not really been on my radar.”

With his voice still echoing in the air, the tea-bag burned down to its last ember. Psychically and emotionally drained, I recorded our interview verbatim before requiring a substantial lie down.

I hope The Crowborough Crusader and its readers find peace and reassurance in this otherworldly connection.

Your humble servant,
Luigi Board

Letters to the Editor

False Widow Spiders.
Are they faking a bereavement to claim fraudulent spider insurance?

Anne Arachnid

Mobile phone networks.

Vodaf [ONE]
O [TWO]
THREE

Makes you think!

Maureen Soreen

Top Tip

Seeds doing poorly in the shade?
Try planting light bulbs.

Jim Membership

Star Letter

Settle an argument for me, is Iris a name, flower or part of the eye?
There’s a fiver ridin’ on this.

Bert Hopscotch

Puzzle Time!

Spot the Difference

Carefully study the images below. The image on the left shows what the lamp post looks like before the scurrying mobs have rushed it with their high-vis jackets and ladders. How many differences can you spot?

Notices

Former Political Party

Former (The political party which used to matter) would like to apologise for a comment made on their Sussex Weald page in January, where they captioned a video with the phrase:

“Wow! It’s mental at Crowborough training camp this morning, still loads turning up!”

They wish to make two clarifications.

Firstly, that no offence was intended toward British mental health sufferers, whom they hold in the highest regard when electorally convenient.

Secondly, that they were not insinuating that anybody attending the march was “mental”, provided they were British, but merely observing that the situation was lively.

Strictly Come Marching

Audience members are urgently required for the filming of the pilot episode of the new series Strictly Come Marching, which will take place in the Waitrose car park at 8:30pm on Wednesday evening.

Volunteers are encouraged to dress in bright and bold colours and to bring torches (battery-operated or lit) for added ambience. Due to a temporary malfunction in the sound equipment, the group opening choreography — featuring The Pink Ladels, The Shielded Crows, Some of Crowborough Says No and Spot the Wethersfield Buses — may proceed as planned, provided the audience familiarises themselves with the theme tune to The Muppet Show and hums when cued.

Thank you.

Some of Crowborough Says No

Some of Crowborough Says No are taking a short pause from their ongoing civic vigilance to volunteer their services in the specialised field of board game amendments.

They are urging any patriot in possession of a Monopoly set to attend The Crowborough Community Centre with their playing board for on-the-spot alterations.

Armed with a Sharpie and commendable penmanship, members are offering to amend all appropriate property squares so that they read “Our Streets”.

Photo of the Week

“Where’s the sun bin, eh?”

Submitted by: Len Smearer

Final Thought

Ron Peepers

Unfortunately, both time and column inches are finite, and while we endeavour to capture as many occurrences as possible within these pages, we are occasionally forced to curtail our coverage as deadlines advance with quiet inevitability.

As such, I would like to note that Marmalade the cat (previously referenced in Issue 4) has begun to regrow the patch of hair that had caused such concern. Regrettably, we lacked the investigative capacity to develop a full recuperation special.

We would also have liked to report that one of the parish churches has raised thousands for charity, and that the local college achieved excellent results this term — both commendable developments.