Issue 4 Transcript / Published February 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes
The Crowborough Crusader
FEB 2026 — Issue 04
A satirical march through Crowborough
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Town to Clarify Which Residents Qualify for Freedom of Speech
By Ron Peepers
Never one to shy away from difficult questions, the residents of Crowborough have been invited to participate in a series of meetings aimed at clarifying who within the borough qualifies for free speech — and, perhaps more importantly, who does not.
The meetings, to be hosted by the MP for Sussex Weald, Louise Smorrals (affectionately known as Lou), have been convened in response to the events of Valentine’s Day in the piazza, which prompted considerable reflection among passers-by.
A smaller gathering, identifiable by the presence of heart symbols and a broadly conciliatory disposition, appeared to draw particular interest from members of Some of Crowborough Says No, resulting in what observers later described as a robust exchange of ideas. Within the hour, the matter resolved itself in favour of the louder interpretation of free speech, and the heart-bearing contingent moved on.
In an interview, Ms Smorrals described the week-long programme as “a valuable opportunity for the town to witness democracy in action.” She added, “As your elected representative, I shall be demonstrating over five consecutive evenings the full extent of my parliamentary capabilities.”
A provisional schedule indicates that Monday will focus on attentive nodding; Tuesday on empathetic reframing; Wednesday on measured firmness; Thursday on constructive summarising; and Friday on dignified closure.
A representative from Some of Crowborough Says No stated that it was regrettable residents — and particularly children — had been exposed to calls for mutual understanding and respect for those different from themselves. The group confirmed its support for the forthcoming constructive talks.
While it may be premature to speculate on outcomes, early proposals include the introduction of an official Crowborough Conch, the temporary bearer of which would be granted permission to speak uninterrupted, or the implementation of time-zoned viewpoints to ensure orderly fairness across the borough.
As ever, The Crowborough Crusader will report on these deliberations as and when they occur.
Exciting news as spin-off Strictly Come Marching comes to Crowborough
By Ron Peepers
Sequins. Sparkle. Glamour. Words rarely associated with our cosy rural town — though that may be about to change.
In an effort to lure viewers away from the Saturday BBC One primetime schedule, Netflix has commissioned a pilot for a new entertainment format combining pageantry, music, rhythm and carefully rehearsed choreography with an unmistakable sense of national identity: Strictly Come Marching.
A shortlist of contestants has already been drawn up, featuring several familiar local groups competing for the coveted Glittered Megaphone Trophy and the honour of leading the ceremonial opening parade at Crufts 2027.
The Shielded Crows disclosed to The Crowborough Crusader that, while they could not reveal too many details, they were able to confirm that the pilot episode would open with the Double March, set to a classic crowd-pleaser: The Birdie Song.
Likewise, the Pink Ladels came forth promising to “dominate” and “annihilate,” not ruling out the possibility of “grinding the competition’s bones to make their bread,” before confirming that they will be daintily thudding their boots to Another Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd.
Local Truth Teller reveals that within the camp ‘they have beds’
By Ron Peepers
Equipped with his trusty Go-Pro, mobile phone and an unquenchable thirst for truth, a local self-styled truth teller set out to reveal precisely what occurs within the buildings of the Crowborough Army camp.
Undeterred by boundaries, signage or the broader concept of invitation, he navigated his way to one of the buildings in what can only be described as a proactive approach to keeping the public informed.
And what he found was truly shocking.
Beds.
Camp beds, arranged in orderly rows, in a fashion broadly consistent with the established principles of temporary accommodation.
Not only that but beside the beds were modest personal belongings — bags, clothing and the quiet signs of temporary habitation — arranged with the understated practicality one might expect of people occupying temporary accommodation.
After the footage was uploaded, arrests followed. Items were confiscated, including a phone with a newly signed contract that was rendered temporarily theoretical — and, one assumes, beyond the comfort of any cooling-off period.
This display of unflinching bravery and public service did not go unnoticed by sympathetic groups like Spot the Wetherfield Buses (an organisation dedicated to making watching asylum seeker transport as popular as trainspotting) who stepped up with a crowdfunding campaign to replace the seized equipment.
So with any luck he’ll be back with ground-breaking stories in the future such as “Is the water at the camp wet?”, “Do they eat food?” and most importantly “Do they want to have a go on the camera?”
Letters to the Editor
Jim Membership
A top tip for getting around high electricity bills:
Plug the extension cord into one of its own sockets.
Free energy!
Maureen Soreen
Is the ghost in the logo for Ghostbusters the deceased Little Chef, roadside cafe mascot?
Haven’t seen him around recently.
Makes you think!
Elsa Caution
Rod Stewart once sang:
“If you want my body and you think I’m sexy come on sugar, let me know.”
That sounds like he has an irresponsible relationship with sweeteners if you ask me.
⭐ Star Letter — Richard Knuckle
I found a card in the Waitrose car park for a Mr Pickanmix.
529 4203 5061 5465
Exp 12/26
Oh, and the numbers at the back are 348.
I handed it in at reception.
Notices
Crowborough: Part-Troll, evidence found
To all the non-believers, I just want to state that forensic evidence has been found of the Part Troll by one of our diligent members who has bagged and recorded a small clump of ginger hairs which can only have originated from the Part-Troll.
These have been dispatched immediately to the lab, and we should have the findings as soon as the boffins have finished with them.
CPT Leader,
Nigel Cellophane
Double Gold Medal Celebration
Originally proposed by Cllr Jeremy Fishfinger as an all-day dedication, it has instead been agreed by The Shielded Crows, The Pink Ladels, and Some of Crowborough Says No that, between 10:45am and 11:00am, all currently hanging England and Union flags will be dedicated to the Winter Olympics double gold medal athlete, before resuming their customary duties.
Cat Traumatized, Reward Offered
Abigail Melodrama is offering a substantial reward of £20 to anyone who can provide information leading to the identification and arrest of a local feline botherer.
A few evenings ago, after letting “Marmalade” back in following his pre-bed prowl, Abigail noticed that a small clump of his ginger hairs was missing from a neat patch on his belly.
If you can provide any information please call
01892 664G#*
Licenses available for would-be flag vendors
A new and exciting opportunity has arisen for the commercially minded.
It has come to my attention that there has been a recent uptrend in banners flying along Beacon Road. While patriotic in tone, they are, if I may say so, becoming a little… samey.
As such, I am encouraging carnival vendors, textile companies, or indeed anyone in possession of a ladder and vision to consider providing some variation to our lampposts.
Imagine how striking the Union Flags would appear when tastefully flanked by a Thomas the Tank Engine banner, or perhaps a Spiderman flag. A tasteful blend of tradition and animation.
So to all you entrepreneurs out there: help us dispel the red, white, and blues and get creative!
For expressions of interest contact
Cllr Jeremy Fishfinger
Final Thought
Ron Peepers
Time is ever-marching and relentless, and rarely in abundance in the world of news. As such, it is regretful that The Crowborough Crusader has been cut short of featuring its planned double-page spread promoting the good work performed by local charities and how readers might donate to them.
Equally, had we been granted a few additional hours, we would have dedicated a fair number of column inches to the full wheelie-bin rota for the coming year, guidance on accessing after-school clubs, and instructions for applying for winter fuel grants.