Issue 28 Transcript / Published August 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough

This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only. Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group. 2026 The Crowborough Crusader.

The Crowborough Crusader

AUG 2026 Issue 28

A satirical march through Crowborough

www.crowboroughcrusader.com

Welcome

Just as the first fish made its way onto land, The Crowborough Crusader too is evolving.

The Team

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Mr. Whip-out-your-wallet

Did Neville Barrage hide his £5,000,000 fortune in Crowborough to avoid investigation?

By Ron Peepers

The MP for Clacton and leader of The Former Party Neville Barrage, is currently under investigation by the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner for accepting a gift of £5,000,000 from a crypto-billionaire and not declaring it.

As a precautionary measure, it is believed that Mr Barrage withdrew the entire sum in cash before burying it in a secret location.

The decision was reportedly taken to safeguard the money should investigators examine his bank accounts, allowing Mr Barrage to demonstrate quite truthfully that the funds were no longer there.

Neville Barrage has remained adamant that he has nothing to hide, stating:

"I have been completely transparent about this. Anyone is welcome to inspect my bank accounts, and they will find absolutely no trace of the money whatsoever. I don't know how much more innocent a man can look."

However, rumours have been circulating around town that during Mr Barrage's visit to Crowborough in April, he somehow managed to break away from engaging with the public for an entire 45 minutes.

When he returned, his shoes and the hems of his trousers were caked in mud.

Whether the two events are connected remains a mystery, but somewhere beneath the soil of Crowborough there could potentially be a considerable sum of money waiting to be discovered.

Better still, should anybody happen to dig it up, there appears to be little reason to return it to Mr Barrage, as he has already been quite clear that the money is no longer in his possession.

Happy hunting.

Crowborough to host 24th Annual Decorated Plate Convention - This year's theme: Ducks

Ron Peepers

Crowborough Community Centre has been selected to host the 24th Annual Decorated Plate Convention this weekend, welcoming enthusiasts from across the country.

Over 300 ornamental plates are expected to be exhibited, depicting intricate designs such as ducks captured in flight, handsome drakes, nesting mates and exquisite eiders, sure to delight enthusiasts of UK waterbirds and porcelain alike.

This year's theme was selected following the success of last year's "Battle of Britain", which attracted a record attendance of 74 people who came to gaze at Hurricanes, Messerschmitts, and Spitfires forever timelessly frozen in glaze.

Event organiser Wade Whimsy describes the pressures in hosting such an event: "Coming up with a theme each year isn't always easy" as he remembers the 2005 backlash which came from suggesting that year's collection should celebrate classic science-fiction television shows. "So many lightsabres drawn. So many pieces to pick up."

"We have the added complication this year of Crowborough's potholes. With hundreds of delicate plates being transported into town, inevitably there are going to be a few casualties of the crockery. We're advising exhibitors to drive slowly and bring plenty of bubble wrap."

Intergalactic agony aunt Duchess Wheeliebin here to soothe the woes of Crowborough.

By Duchess Wheeliebin

Dear Duchess,

I am an immigrant in Crowborough, but no one seems to care! Do you think it's because I'm white? Because I've been here for a while maybe??

Neda from Western Road.

Neda,

Some of you earthlings are known to use dating apps in order to find life partners. By doing so, you carefully assess the suitability of potential candidates based upon their attributes.

One individual may wish to meet someone over 6' tall, another may prefer a person with dark hair, whilst another might seek somebody who enjoys long walks, fine dining or shouting at strangers from the side of a road.

It seems to me that persecution works in much the same way.

You simply have not yet encountered the right sort of person who finds your particular immigrant status sufficiently objectionable.

Do not become disheartened. Somewhere out there is somebody who will question your right to be here, demand to know where you came from and become disproportionately interested in your movements.

You just have to be patient until you find each other.

Duchess.

Dear Duchess,

I was walking down the high street the other day, and a woman with a huge dog passed by. She said, "Don't mind 'im, he doesn't bite." Then how does he eat?

Kevin from Rochester Way

Kevin,

You mention that the dog was huge, which means that it is reasonable to assume that he is getting all the nutrition that a substantial canine needs.

If the owner is to be believed, then its diet may consist of broths, soups and protein shakes which are either lapped up or imbibed through the medium of a straw.

Duchess.

Dear Duchess,

My neighbour is never in, and frequently the delivery driver appears at my door and asks for me to accept parcels on their behalf. Does this mean that they legitimately belong to me now? As my neighbour insists otherwise.

Florence from Forest Dene

Florence,

It appears to me that there is an equal division of labour between both you and the person dwelling in the adjacent abode.

They seem to be ordering items to enhance their quality of life and instructing the vendor to deliver them. You are available; take them into your home, thereby storing them in a secure facility, and take full legal culpability by signing for the goods on their behalf.

The service you provide should be rewarded: therefore, I deem it highly acceptable that you should either retain 50% of the deliveries for yourself or charge storage fees for your efforts.

Duchess

If you wish to contact the duchess email: duchess-wheeliebin@protonmail.com

"They have weapons" claim Some of Crowborough Says No

Ron Peepers

Some of Crowborough Says No have followed the successful rubbish hunts conducted by Crowborough Beware! and have been scurrying through the litter themselves, hoping to uncover damning evidence against asylum seekers at Crowborough Camp.

They are overjoyed to confirm that, after hours of wading through rubbish, they have uncovered what they describe as a cache of weapons, which they can exclusively reveal to The Crowborough Crusader.

Barry Cade warned that everyone within the borough should be concerned by the discovery as he talked us through the potentially lethal objects.

"These items were found around the perimeter of the camp and within the surrounding bushes which the public don't use. Therefore, they could have come from the camp, and if they could have come from the camp, we have to assume that they probably did.

The haul consisted of a regular dinner knife, a small wooden-handled instrument and a large stick.

Although the knife isn't sharp at all, the fact that it is a knife and may have been used in a crime heavily suggests that knife crime in Crowborough is out of control.

The little wooden object was intentionally blurred so we could confidently identify it as a shiv without coming under too much scrutiny over whether it might actually be a broken or filed-down wooden spoon.

But lastly, and most dangerously of all, was the big stick.

Firstly, finding a big stick in a forest is incredibly suspicious. Secondly, it could be used as a blunt-force weapon, a walking stick or, with a bit of imagination, you could pretend it was a wizard's staff capable of shooting fireballs.

Deadly.

And for anyone who still thinks we're overreacting, I'll leave you with this: would you let your child handle a dinner knife or let them play with a big stick?

Exactly."

(Exhibits shown: Exhibit A - Big stick; Exhibit B - Wooden-handled instrument; Exhibit C - Dinner knife)

Crowborough Beware! dismayed asylum seekers are not the biggest "danger" on the golf course.

Ron Peepers

Crowborough Beware! have been forced to make an unexpected adjustment to their Most Dangerous People in Crowborough pinboard following the conviction of local golf instructor George Scott for rape, for which he received a 19-year prison sentence.

For months, members of the group have spent considerable time patrolling the area around Crowborough's golf courses, watching for signs of antisocial behaviour and suspicious activity.

Perry Noid explains:

"We've always believed that the greatest danger around our golf courses came from visitors entering them, rather than from people already within the golfing community, so naturally this has caught us somewhat off guard.

At first, we hoped the allegations might simply be rumour or speculation. Unfortunately, the police investigated, evidence was gathered, and the criminal courts have corroborated the claims by convicting him and sentencing him to a substantial stay at His Majesty's pleasure.

We've had the asylum seekers sitting comfortably at the top of the board for quite some time, so this has come as a bit of a shock.

After an emergency meeting, we reluctantly agreed that a convicted rapist serving 19 years probably represents the greater danger.

The section marked 'Camp Residents' has subsequently been moved four inches down the board, with Scott taking the number-one position."

However, Perry confirmed that this arrangement would only be temporary.

"Obviously, we'll need to get him off there as quickly as possible. He doesn't really fit the target demographic of the people we're keeping the community safe from."

Crowborough Beware! hope to restore the previous rankings shortly.

Three top tips for deflecting negative criticism.

By Ella Cution

Having spent years in the trenches of media PR, I have had to avert many a high-profile reputational crisis by deploying a little cunning, a little charm, and a whole heap of spin. Did you ever hear of the Ricky Gervais mayonnaise incident? Or perhaps David Attenborough's Pokémon card addiction? No? Well, that's because I'm damn good at my job.

With years of successful crisis management behind me, allow me to share three tried-and-tested techniques for turning troublesome criticism into tomorrow's forgotten headline.

Letters to the Editor

STAR LETTER

"There's radishes, and also such things as horse radishes. If the latter rode the former there'd be a radish cavalry."

— Sal Adcreem

Top Tip

"In a pinch a cheesestring frayed at the bottom makes a chic tassel for a curtain holder." — Jim Membership

PUZZLETIME!

Neville Barrage has stashed his £5,000,000 somewhere in Crowborough when he came to visit, where do you think he hid it?

Grid Locations:

Notices

Some of Crowborough Says No

It seems that somebody took a picture of us this week sharing a pint on the street outside Wetherspoons with members of Britain First and has construed that we're now mates.

Firstly, I would like to point out that Britain First is considered highly dangerous because it is an extremist, fascist street movement that actively incites racial and anti-Muslim hatred through aggressive tactics like invading mosques, launching provocative "patrols", and openly threatening to hang its political enemies.

Secondly, it's early days, and we're seeing how it goes.

There is a tremendous amount of overlap in our views, but we're taking the relationship slowly. I have been invited to a pizza night and sleepover with them, so it looks promising.

Barry Cade

Crowborough Bonfire Society

Due to advice from the government and local firefighting services about the risk of wildfires during the drought, Crowborough Bonfire Society will not be using paraffin-soaked torches in this year's procession. Instead, we have imported a bulk load of fireflies, which are to be kept in jars and held aloft at the end of sticks.

The finale, instead of setting light to the traditional bonfire, will consist of releasing millions of the insects simultaneously into the night sky, which should be quite the spectacle to behold.

Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger

Due to the mass release of fireflies on the night of September the 12th, Crowborough Town Council have taken the opportunity to make some savings by turning all street lights off for one night and having the streets illuminated naturally for free by our insect companions. However, it is advisable not to have your mouth open as you walk around, as Crowborough will be swarming with the blighters.

Some of Crowborough Says No

Furthermore, with regard to the previous notice, it was perfectly acceptable for us to be drinking alcohol on the street because:

A) We were born here.

B) It wasn't in a Lidl car park.

Hope that clears things up.

Barry Cade

Ad: Crowborough Budget Caravans

Our Streets

A right handful or a handful of right?

Photo of the week submitted by: Barry Cade

A little Raya Flight

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.

By Raya Flight

With the temperature showing no signs of stopping, I decided to dig the hammock out of the garden, dust it off, place it under the shade and spend the afternoon in comfort getting lost in a good read.

Taunting me from the shelf is a rather dog-eared copy of A Study in Scarlet by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. It's dog-eared, not because I've given it much attention, but because I bought it second-hand from the Crowborough Hospital Fête some years back, and someone else must have thumbed through its pages more than a few times.

I must confess that my knowledge of Mr Doyle's work is rather limited, and having lived in Crowborough all my life, I am ashamed to admit that I have never read a Sherlock Holmes novel.

Well, I am remedying that now and am proud to say my copy has the bookmark placed almost near the middle.

This led me to wonder what exactly our town—the place where Sir Arthur Conan Doyle lived and worked—has to show for its connection to him. What is there around Crowborough today to remind us that one of the world's most famous authors once called it home?

We have the statue in the centre of the town, Holmes Place (a set of retirement flats), streets: Watson Way and Sherlock Shaw... and a memory of a long-closed cafe in town called Sherlocks and a former pub The Deerstalker... which all seems a bit... elementary?

However, this week there was a new, impressive installation in Jarvis Brook in the shape of a mural which appeared on the side of the Good Friend Chinese takeaway.

Taking up the whole side of the building, muralists Lily De Mitri and Dave Plant captured the author dressed in the famous deerstalker hat and smoking a pipe, much like the beloved detective he brought to life.

The vivid painting features a steam train, due to its proximity to the station, bearing the number 221B—the fictional address of Sherlock Holmes—as well as a sign bearing the town's name surrounded by crows.

This bold artwork is impressive, expressive, and is a welcome addition to the town, and who knows, it might inspire a passerby to pick up their dog-eared copy of a Sherlock Holmes book and have them fall under the seduction of deduction.

This mural goes to show that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is no stranger to Crowborough and remains to this day a Good Friend.

Final Thought

Ron Peepers

I hope you have all enjoyed this latest issue of The Crowborough Crusader, and I thank you for your patience in waiting two weeks for this issue. It is not without considerable thought that I ask you to do the same again, as next week my focus needs to be on completing the book, which I hope you will appreciate.

Unfortunately, I do not have a large group of people such as the likes of Crowborough Beware! or Some of Crowborough Says No to come up with stories, and as such, on the rare occasions, energy has to be diverted to complete a project.

This I hope to remedy in the future with the following changes.

The new website should be up and running sometime in October so as to make the articles more accessible than just a static PDF... although the PDF delivery via email and download option will still be available.

The Crowborough Crusader is evolving so that it may bring new voices into the fold, be more sustainable, and hopefully be here for many issues to come.

Next Issue: Saturday 5th September

In a tough decision, it has been decided that, to keep the book on schedule, the next week will be spent finalising the content. The Crowborough Crusader will return the following week.

Plus more from: Raya Flight, Town Notices, Our Streets: photo of the week and Puzzletime!

© 2026 The Crowborough Crusader.

This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only. Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group.