Issue 27 Transcript / Published August 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough

This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only. Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group. 2026 The Crowborough Crusader.

The Crowborough Crusader

AUG 2026 | Issue 27

www.crowboroughcrusader.com

© 2026 The Crowborough Crusader. This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only. Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group.

The Team

Crowborough Beware! claim “We’re not prejudiced; some of our best friends are immigrants.”

By Ron Peepers

Crowborough Beware! have responded to criticism of their treatment of asylum seekers by releasing a photograph which they believe demonstrates a rather different side to the organisation.

The image shows group leader Perry Noid sitting beside an asylum seeker on a public bench, which he believes should put to rest some of the accusations levelled against the group.

Keen to convey the significance of their latest post Perry explained, “I mean, we’re sitting right next to one; what more proof do you need that we care deeply about the plight of our visitors?

I spied him, last week, sitting alone and took the opportunity to engage in a little community outreach.

The man in question seemed shocked that instead of trying to move him on at this time, I would actually allow him to sit alongside me on a public bench.

He appeared despondent. Even more so when I joined him. In his vulnerable state, I took the opportunity to have a few pictures of us taken without his knowledge, to help combat all the negative attention we have recently received due to our perceived ‘persecution of asylum seekers’.

I offered a ‘Cheer up, mate, it might never happen.’

Even though language may have been a barrier, I could see that he understood, as when I left, I could sense that he seemed extremely relieved.

I think that day I made a new friend, proof that Crowborough Beware! does indeed have a heart.”

Welcome

By Ron Peepers

After a brief time away we return like a boomerang of local news: The Crowborough Crusader.

Duchess Wheeliebin Agony Aunt

Intergalactic agony aunt Duchess Wheeliebin here to soothe the woes of Crowborough.

By Duchess Wheeliebin

Letter 1:

Dear Duchess,

I can’t stop posting to Facebook without including the hashtag #migrantcrisis. The other day I went out for dinner, took a picture of my meal, uploaded it and tagged it without even knowing I did it. How can I stop?

Dan from Western Road

Response: Dan, To recognise that you have a problem indicates that you are an individual who has marginally more self-awareness than others who are in the same situation. The solution is to go – as you earthlings call it – cold turkey and to make immediate lifestyle changes to stop you from relapsing.

Letter 2:

Dear Duchess,

It’s too hot to mow the grass during the day at the moment, so I’ve taken to mowing it at midnight instead. My neighbours don’t seem to appreciate my efforts and have threatened to inform the authorities.

Simone from Green Lane

Response: Simone, I understand that you humans seem to enjoy partaking in the ritual of threshing the ankle-high plant life to an acceptable length in a desperate attempt to make nature conform to your designs. Seeing as you have no problem using a noisy mower during the daytime with no regard for other people’s comfort I see no reason why you should show them any less consideration at night. Besides, should they call the police the response times are so slow that the grass will have already been cut when they arrive. Duchess

Letter 3:

Dear Duchess,

I bought a bag for life from Tesco in 1992, and today it finally split. Is this an omen that my life will soon be over?

Dawn from Goldsmith Avenue

Response: Dawn, Take comfort; the term ‘bag for life’ was one that marketers invented to demonstrate the longevity of the shopping sack. It does not behave like a voodoo doll. Your lifeline is unaffected by its demise. Duchess.

If you wish to contact the duchess email: duchess-wheeliebin@protonmail.com

Crowborough bids fond farewell to the capybaras

By Ron Peepers

It is with some sadness that Crowborough Town Council has announced that the borough's capybaras will be returning home to Brazil after their brief spell maintaining the town's grass verges.

The decision comes after Crowborough recorded a sweltering 34.8°C at 4.35pm on 13th August, making it the hottest August day in more than 20 years.

With temperatures in parts of Brazil currently hovering around a comparatively refreshing 24°C, the South American rodents have decided that enough is enough.

Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger explained: “We knew when we invited the capybaras over that there would be a period of adjustment to the British climate. We just didn’t expect Brazil to offer the cooler alternative. We wish them well, hope they enjoy a couple of cold caipirinhas on their way home, and bid them a safe journey back to Brazil. Should our climate return to something slightly more mild, the invitation remains open for them to return next spring and once again munch their way through Crowborough’s overgrown vegetation.”

Reverend Rentaghost takes no chances as darkness descends over Crowborough

By Ron Peepers

Back in July Reverend Rentaghost warned readers of The Crowborough Crusader that the appearance of four particularly ominous visitors at the Sunday marches may have represented the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

At the time, the Reverend reassured residents that there was no immediate danger, provided the four were merely passing through; however, he now regrets so flippantly dismissing his findings, as his new running theory is that their appearance was actually heralding the end of times.

He explains, "God clearly seems to be upset with the people of Crowborough, and I believe he is currently in the process of hitting us with some classic smiting in the form of great plagues.

We are now in the midst of what seems to be an epic heatwave; that’s the first one, scorching the earth and withering our gardens.

Secondly, parts of Crowborough recently lost water for a short while near Rotherfiled and Jarvis Brook; some say it was a burst main, but that seems a little too convenient.

Just this week, the much publicised solar eclipse plunged the world into partial darkness for approximately 30 minutes or so at its peak. That’s three!

So in order to avoid the full 10 of them, I enlisted the help of local medium Luigi Board just to make sure all spiritual bases were covered.

As Crowborough merrily constructed pinhole cameras from Weetabix boxes and tinfoil, or armed themselves with colanders for casting shadows of the eclipse onto card, Luigi Board and I began our rituals.

Luigi operated outside the building, as his methods would be inappropriate in a house of God. These consisted of trying to capture any demonic entities that may do us harm in a net made out of dream catchers. He managed to, by his own count, eradicate a number of class 4 demons who were most vexatious in nature.

I myself managed to bless an entire bucket of water, which I tipped over my head after completing the Lord’s Prayer, to cleanse the property and, by association, the town of any potential incoming wrath.

It was a fretful evening. I just hope we’ve done enough. I suppose only time will tell. I’ll be keeping a close eye out for locusts.”

Churchill’s Cherubs appeal for a fundraiser venue as questions remain over the company they keep.

By Ron Peepers

Churchill’s Cherubs, the breakaway group from the Pink Ladels, appeared at this week’s after-march rally on the green to express how they want to hold a family fun day to raise money for bleed kits in Crowborough due to a spike in knife crime.

According to the Office for National Statistics, knife crime in Sussex fell by nearly 20% in the year leading up to 2025. CrimeRate.co.uk, which pulls data from police records, states that “Crowborough is the second safest small town in East Sussex" and has a crime rate around 55% below the national average.

However, despite this information, Churchill’s Cherubs still believe that Crowborough is in dire need of these facilities and are looking for a venue to use in order to hold their event.

When it was mentioned that the council had denied their application to hold it on the green, the audience managed to “boo” in unison as if a pantomime villain had walked on stage, which I’m sure will be taken into consideration the next time they wish to make an application to use the public space.

On face value their fundraising seems noble and community spirited even if the need for such a kit is arguable. However, some of the members of the community are seen to have their doubts.

Eileen Intothewind comments, “I really don’t know who to believe in this instance: data collected from sources that have no agenda other than to state facts, or a group of people who have broken away from The Pink Ladles, who have been known to ramp up fear and anxiety within the community. It really is a tough one.”

Bert Hopscotch questions, “Why are they called Churchill’s Cherubs? Are they acting on messages from beyond the grave from former Prime Minister? Or that dog from the insurance adverts? Does this mean bleed kits and training will only be provided to those they deem as patriots?”

Other voices have questioned whether Churchill’s Cherubs have sufficiently distanced themselves from The Pink Ladles, given that members continue to attend the same marches, associate with many of the same groups and appear to hold broadly similar views.

Churchill’s Cherubs maintain that they are an entirely separate organisation and point out that they have a different name.

Letters to the Editor

STAR LETTER Remember animals with thick hair may find it quite uncomfortable in this prolonged heat. So this week I have managed to shear 3 foxes, a badger and have completely waxed a stoat. Barbara Furrything

Elton John said Saturday night was alright for fighting. Sussex Police disagreed. Court Monday. Hew Janger-Problem

If a sponge is genuinely a ‘real’ sea creature, why does it grow a scourer on one side? Makes you think! Maureen Soreen

If the gas company and the water company ran both through the same pipe, we’d have sparkling water on tap. Fritz Spritz

Notices

Some of Crowborough Says No We would like to point out that after some digging, we have found out that the group Care4Calais, which helps provide clothes and aid for asylum seekers, has the audacity to have some of its members dressed as clowns to entertain and put smiles on the faces of those escaping persecution. Making people happy? What a waste of talent. With that level of buffoonery on display, we are keen to get in contact with them and fast-track their recruitment as fully fledged members of our organisation.

Jeremy Fishfinger Due to the prolonged heat, lack of rain, and the repeated rallies held on Chapel Green (post-protest marches), it has been observed that the grass has really taken a beating, resulting in noticeable bald patches toward the church end. As a measure to preserve the little remaining vegetation, rally attendees are now required to remove their boots and place them neatly outside the wall of the White Hart Pub and walk over the green in bare feet. At the footwear drop-off point, there will also be full watering cans and packets of grass seed available, and we urge you, in the spirit of aiding the community, to take one of each and use them to repair any particularly worn patches as you cross the green. Please remember: patriotism begins at home, but lawn care begins underfoot.

Churchill’s Cherubs We have decided to cancel the self-defence classes that we proposed to host in the forthcoming weeks, due to only receiving interest from the ‘wrong kind of people’. Initially designed to prepare women to defend themselves against would-be attackers, the only enquiries we have received so far have come from members of the camp looking for ways to legally defend themselves from Crowborough Beware!, Some of Crowborough Says No, and The Pink Ladles.

The Pink Ladels Accusers have come forward to suggest that the child (known as The Pint-Sized Patriot), whom we dress up, give an oversized flag bearing a cartoon of his face, put near the front of the parade, and encourage to shout at the counter-protesters, is being exploited, which is nonsense. His pocket money has been raised in line with the national minimum wage.

Our Streets

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.

Photo of the week submitted by: Barry Cade

By Raya Flight

Armed with macaroons (her favourite), I went for a cuppa and a catch-up with Nan. She knows all the gossip and informed me that Jim, a friend of my grandfather, who had recently turned 90, finally decided to give up his rather splendid allotment because he could no longer manage tending to it.

His patch was always meticulous and produced some of the biggest vegetables that I had ever seen. A parsnip as big as your forearm, onions the size of cannonballs, and a proud grower of vintage and hard-to-come-by potato varieties.

He entered local competitions and was always coming home with ribbons and trophies...even up to the point of last year, where his leeks did exceptionally well.

The allotment was his safe space, his place to be creative, a place of relaxation, rest and exercise and was as much a part of his life as his friends and family are.

Here in Crowborough we’re lucky to have 3 sites where you can rent an allotment should you too wish to carve out your own little patch of plants.

Herne Road has always been the most popular and has a wonderful array of beans growing up poles, roses and vegetables everywhere you look.

Then there is Pilmer Road, which has some rather large plots, including polytunnels – perfect for plants that aren’t invigorated by the frost.

And last but not least, Owlsbury Farm, which is a huge 16-acre site and has over 200 plots and even boasts a community orchard.

Many of the societies that run the sites also hold social gatherings such as BBQs and a Christmas Wine and Cheese social and have many members who are willing to share advice and help novices become established quickly.

I hope Jim has found something else that brings him the same enjoyment, as I know that giving away his plot was akin to giving a part of himself away, and that the new occupant benefits from the years he spent turning and nourishing the soil.

I’m sure his old plot will continue to provide bumper crops for many years to come.

If you feel as though you could benefit from a little digging, and getting your hands dirty then the best way to find out about the allotments available is to either telephone 01892 652907 or alternatively email allotments@crowboroughtowncouncil.gov.uk

Jester quick question. A little Raya Flight

By Raya Flight

(Note: Content merged with main article context in issue)

Final Thought

By Ron Peepers

Thank you for waiting patiently last week. I can now state that The Crowborough Crusader: Six-Month Chronicle, featuring the first 26 issues, insight into what happened around the time, comments, journalistic decisions, and more, shall be out approximately in the first week of September.

The book is not being released for profit or vanity, or solely for entertainment, but to act as a timestamp showing Crowborough as it was at this particular moment in its history – in contrast to the media coverage and the rhetoric of some of the loudest, but not necessarily the most representative, voices within our town.

It is intended to reflect not the behaviour of asylum seekers, but the behaviour of those who cause disruption, harass and fearmonger; those who have profited from division through politics, money or notoriety; and those who have appointed themselves guardians of our town, deciding who belongs, who should be watched and how people should conduct their businesses within it.

Alongside all 26 issues will be the events that inspired them, the decisions behind particular articles, and the words being written publicly at the time – preserved verbatim and without names attached. That anonymity is deliberate and offered out of decency: nobody should be forever attached to something they once said, but neither should what was said simply be forgotten.

Next Issue: Saturday 22nd August

Plus more from: Raya Flight, Town Notices, Our Streets: photo of the week and Puzzletime!