Issue 26 Transcript / Published August 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough

www.crowboroughcrusader.com

AUG 2026 Issue 26

This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only. Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group. 2026 The Crowborough Crusader.

Welcome

Life may not always be black and white.

But for the most part, The Crowborough Crusader is.

The Team

Publication Details

Advert / Satirical Feature: Crowborough Cold Callers

Beat the heat with these Brr-illiant bargains from Crowborough Cold Callers

Our team of pushy, over-eager sellers will be over as soon as you sit down to dinner to offer you these stone cold bargains.

(Salesman holding sign: "COOL SAVINGS JUST FOR YOU!")

Pink Ladles of Sussex bid tearful farewell to Uckfield chapter.

By Ron Peepers

This week The Pink Ladles of Uckfield bid farewell to the organisation and joined a new emerging band of sisterhood made up of deserting members known as Churchill's Cherubins.

Their goal is to be more active in the community and, through their actions, wish to demonstrate that they can be more useful than their former group and are capable of far more than dancing on roundabouts, swinging pink flags around and swaggering about on marches.

The radical move of actually wanting to do something tangible, such as raising money for bleed kits, raising money for personal safety packs and wanting to run self-defence classes, is certainly noble in intention.

But in order to be taken seriously, Churchill's Cherubs are facing an uphill battle, as although they have diluted their bond to The Pink Ladles, they haven't cut ties with them altogether, as they still state they are proud of them and fully support their endeavours.

With lofty ambition to work alongside schools, emergency services and charities, it's difficult to see how they can truly be integrated into these institutions. With their tainted record of activism, anti-immigration rhetoric, and lack of credibility, Churchill's Cherubins seem to have handicapped themselves before they have left the starting blocks.

Why they have named their all-female group after a male prime minister who in early life vehemently objected to women being allowed to vote, believing that their views were "well represented by their fathers, brothers, and husbands," seems to be rather an odd choice.

However, it does feel as though the new emerging organisation does need to consider the same dilemmas that Crowborough Beware! faced; do we try and do good for altruistic reasons, or are we outwardly appearing to do good whilst perpetuating fear and hateful rhetoric?

Only time will tell. The only certainty is that they will be missed by The Pink Ladles.

Crowborough Beware!, explain photos of littering were not staged despite evidence to the contrary.

By Ron Peepers

Crowborough Beware!, explain why, in recent weeks, their vigilante patrol has been keeping an eagle-eye on an area of land near Crowborough Golf Course, which is allegedly the meeting point of some residents of the camp to partake in a few beverages.

After the gatherings are complete, Crowborough Beware! maintain that the attendees, having little concern for The Countryside Code, leave bottles, bags and cans abandoned for others to clear up and have posted evidence to their site showing the devastation.

However, upon closer inspection, there seems to be a partial receipt which had been posted amongst photographs of the rubbish which was passed onto the local constabulary.

When the transaction information was investigated further by the police, it seemed that the receipt belonged to a Mr Perry Noid.

Mr Noid, when invited to explain how this could have occurred, assured The Crowborough Crusader that it was all part of their Community Awareness programme.

Perry Noid Commented:

"How are the people going to recognise immigrant offences if they don't know what to look out for?

My team and I have purposefully created this faithful reconstruction for the benefit of demonstration, as we do when we use AI to alter our images on our Facebook pages.

The litter itself was merely acting as a training aid. Just as the police use imitation firearms and the fire service conducts controlled exercises, we believe members of the public benefit from seeing a realistic demonstration of what litter actually looks like before they are expected to report it."

Agony Aunt: Duchess Wheeliebin

Intergalactic agony aunt Duchess Wheeliebin here to soothe the woes of Crowborough.

By Duchess Wheeliebin

Dear Duchess,

My husband keeps making up Latin-sounding flower names whenever we're in the garden centre to sound more intellectual.

It's so embarrassing.

Especially as we both work there.

What should I do?

— Florence from Pilmer Road

Florence,

It is nothing to worry about in the slightest. It has been documented that a number of male species on your planet demonstrate a quality known colloquially as 'showing off' as it fulfils a dual purpose.

Just as the proud peacock may fan and shake its tail feathers to attract a mate, he too is putting on a demonstration purely for your attention as a courtship display.

Equally, as the frilled-neck lizard opens his parasol like throat covering when threatened, your husband may be warding off potential mates from you by puffing up his perceived knowledge.

In short, just reassuring him that he is your life partner should calm down his plant classification faux-pas, thereby aiding you in your pursuit of contentment.

— Duchess

Dear Duchess,

My daughter insists that she wants to be a unicorn when she grows up.

How do I explain that this will never happen?

— Craig from Whitehill Road

Craig,

The simplest route is by telling her that unicorns have a woefully short lifespan and thus expire before reaching adulthood.

Instead, encourage her to choose to become a creature with more substantial longevity.

— Duchess

Dear Duchess,

I've witnessed this morning that two starlings are using tatters from an England flag from the lamppost at the end of the road as nesting material.

I've also noticed that they don't interact with any different birds outside of their species.

Do I have racist birds?

— Samantha from Blackness Road

Samantha,

Racism is an abstract human construct and is completely beyond the sphere of comprehension of the ornithological creatures on this planet.

Any interpretation you have to the contrary, which is not born from scientific observation is more likely the result of you superimposing your own prejudicial views onto a small avian lifeform, which is most illogical.

— Duchess

(If you wish to contact the duchess email: duchess-wheeliebin@protonmail.com)

Reverend Rentaghost proposes a second Christmas, to be held during the summertime.

By Ron Peepers

Local clergyman Reverend Rentaghost has begun a campaign designed to revolutionise and revitalise the Christian faith by introducing Christmas 2, with the first celebration outlined for August 2027.

The number of UK churchgoers has steadily been in decline, with an estimated 8% of the population regularly attending church back in 2015 to now, what's believed to be approximately 5%.

With younger generations, including Gen Z, showing no signs of resurgence Rentaghost believes that a church must be flexible and innovative if it wants to survive.

But why Christmas 2? When will it be? How should it be celebrated?

The reverend explains.

"The time when we're at our busiest is around Christmas; the pews are packed, the voices of the singers are rich, and the collection plate is always full.

Children enjoy the lights, the decorations and the carols...and it's these children that we need to replace the shrinking flock as our more elderly members eventually pass on.

Also, if two birthdays are good enough for King Charles, then they're certainly good enough for the king of the Jews, Mister JC, himself.

In December we're packed; in April there is a revival of interest because of Easter, but there is a massive gap of 8 months just sitting around doing nothing - but what about harvest time, I hear you say? Well, if we're just being honest, it's just the collection and redistribution of things in your cupboards; you wouldn't dream of eating yourselves.

Christmas 2 will be earmarked for August the 25th and will be a more casual affair-perhaps the traditional C2 meal would be a BBQ, carols to remain traditional but with a calypso summer time feel, a national holiday and worship but this time with choc-ices given out throughout the service.

Of course there will still be presents. One should never underestimate the spiritual value of keeping the high street solvent.

Next week I get to run the idea past the Bishop of Lewes and the Bishop of Chichester in kind of an ecclesiastical version of Dragons Den.

I'm absolutely buzzing. Wish me luck!"

(Illustration caption: King Charles and Jesus singing "Happy Birthday 2 us, Happy Birthday 2 us!")

Crowborough Beware! angry as army camp classified exempt from hosepipe ban.

By Ron Peepers

Crowborough Beware! have voiced opposition to Crowborough Army Camp being exempt from the hosepipe ban even though many organisations, institutions and businesses have traditionally been exempt.

Hospitals, prisons and even businesses that rely on water to operate, such as dog groomers, garden centres and window cleaners, are allowed to use water en masse, but CB! believe that a facility housing 500 human beings should not be allowed that same grace and would go so far to deny them the right to clean themselves by asking their supporters to consider:

"Think about that, via your taxes you are paying for migrants to enjoy as many showers as they wish."

Perry Noid, leader of Crowborough Beware!, was then asked the question, 'What would their vigilante patrol group do if they were in charge?'

"The matter is rather more eloquently explained through song. I hope you're familiar with My Favourite Things from The Sound of Music, as I have improved some of the lyrics ahem.

Raindrops reserved for those from Great Britain,

Even some for lefties we metaphorically spit on,

Our gardens and lawns should remain slightly damp.

But none of the water should go to the camp.

Restriction and access should be ruthless and thorough.

To anyone born outside of our borough,

It's just for our own, to do as we please.

And not for the likes of them from overseas.

Checkpoints and documents and identification,

For those who want water but not from our nation,

We hold the authority to restrict your taps.

Crowborough's saviours wearing blue caps.

When the mains burst.

When a pool fills.

When a sprinkler flows.

I simply remember to turn a blind eye,

And deny water to those... I oppose."

Letters to the Editor

EDITOR: Jim Membership

Top Tip!

If your cement mixer is broken, try using the washing machine instead. It'll even add the water for you!

PUZZLETIME!

Crowborough Beware! are quite proud of themselves after managing to find what they believe is a link between the hosepipe ban and immigration.

The group became particularly cross after discovering that the restrictions do not apply to facilities such as hospitals, prisons and even the Crowborough camp.

They commented:

"Think about that, via your taxes you are paying for migrants to enjoy as many showers as they wish."

The hosepipe ban does not apply to showers...unless, of course, you shower with a hosepipe.

Which raises this week's Puzzle Time question:

Why are Crowborough Beware! showering with hosepipes?

Serve and Protect Notices

Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger

Thank you kindly for all of the positive comments regarding our floral display on Chapel Green, recognising 100 years of Winnie the Pooh.

The red petunias amongst the marigolds are bold, beautiful and bright - and if you pardon the pun, bear a rather striking resemblance to A.A. Milne's celebrated protagonist.

Unfortunately, the display will only be temporary as, just this morning, the council received a 'Cease and Desist' letter from Disney's legal department requesting that the likeness be removed immediately.

Instead, the yellow and red flowers will be replanted to resemble the much-loved Pokémon, Pikachu. We respectfully ask that nobody inform Nintendo.

Public Announcement: Salmonella Warning

Please be careful in this heat, as it can be hotter than you might imagine.

Just last week I managed to cook a fried egg on the bonnet of my car very tasty, it was too.

Following on from that success, I left a corn-fed, free-range M&S chicken on my Mazda MX5 all day at the weekend—and I'll tell you, I'm still having cramps even though the general upset has died down. My advice...stick to the eggs.

Remember, a car is a car, and not a slow cooker.

Solar Eclipse

Although the UK misses out on seeing a total solar eclipse, scientists, local astronomers and school children are still pretty excited to see the cosmic event, set to occur on the 12th of August, in which the moon will temporarily block out part of the sun as it continues on its orbit.

According to the Royal Museums Greenwich, the west will be first to see it at 18:17, with the eclipse reaching its maximum at 19:12.

Please be advised that if you are going to be viewing the eclipse, do so with a pinhole viewer or indirectly, as staring directly into the sun can cause serious damage to the eyes.

Local opticians have begun clearing their diaries in anticipation of those who either don't believe in science or simply can't follow basic instructions.

Poster / Event Advertisement: Poetry Slam 2026

FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY AT CROWBOROUGH COMMUNITY CENTRE

THE INTERNATIONAL POETRY WRESTLING ASSOCIATION PROUDLY PRESENTS

POETRY SLAM 2026

A THRILLING NIGHT OF CULTURE, VIOLENCE, AND DRAMA!

Matchups Include:

LIMITED TICKETS AVAILABLE!

Cartoon Caption: The Art of Deception

(Two Crowborough Beware! members stacking empty beer cans and bottles on a tree stump)

Member: "ONE MORE CAN BOSS, OR DO YOU THINK IT LOOKS CONVINCING ENOUGH?"

Our Streets

Photo of the week submitted by: Claire-Lee Upsett

(Photo shows a banner reading: "CROWBOROUGH SAYS NO THYSELF")

A Little Raya Flight

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.

By Raya Flight

Whilst rummaging around in the attic last week, my niece managed to find a box of old bits and bobs belonging to my father. Intrigued by the rubber keyboard and simplistic-looking joystick, she proudly clutched the ZX Spectrum and asked me whether we could try a few of the games.

After practically sneezing the dust off of the cassette player, I inserted the game, and the television screen filled with repeating patterns of coloured lines with the speakers screeching. She seemed somewhat confused that the game didn't start instantly with me explaining it would take 10 minutes to load.

After a cup of tea and a bakewell tart, Magicland Dizzy was loaded, a game in which an egg had to solve puzzles and rescue his other ovoid chums from the evil wizard.

She loved it and promised me that she had a technological surprise in store for me in return that I was bound to love.

My brother and my niece were clearly in cahoots and kept silent about where we were going. After a short journey, we parked up in Lexden Lodge Industrial Estate in Jarvis Brook outside of a place called Realms VR.

"VR stands for 'Virtual Reality'.. Aunty Raya, Dad and I are treating you to a virtual escape room."

I was absolutely blown away by the experience. We were given a wonderful briefing by host and owner Samy Firmager, donned our helmets and suddenly the world around us disappeared, and there we were in a virtual world solving puzzles together.

The sounds, graphics and gameplay were astonishing!

Physical, fun and a serious giggle, getting to see how we interact alongside each other, cooperating with tasks and, maybe sometimes, hindering each other with our clumsiness.

What's more, it proved that technology and computer games, often snubbed for being isolating and having a negative impact, can do quite the opposite. In both instances, my family and I communicated, solved puzzles and had fun together, regardless of whether we were controlling an eggman on the screen or fully immersed in a virtual world.

I can't wait to go back to VR Realms and try another game or try my hand at virtual darts or virtual golf.

If you're curious about seeing how you may fare in the virtual world (and I definitely encourage that curiosity), contact Realms VR at 01892 251890 or email hello@realmsgroup.co.uk.

Final Thought

By Ron Peepers

After nine months of champing at the bit, goading, harassment, constant surveillance and fearmongering, it appears that Some of Crowborough Says No, The Pink Ladles, Crowborough Beware! and The Shielded Crows are utterly delighted that an arrest has finally taken place. You can almost hear them drawing in deep lungfuls of air before bellowing, with great relish, "We told you so."

But let us remember that the actions of a minority do not define the many. People are individuals and should be judged as individuals. Should anyone be found guilty of a crime, however heinous, it is for the police and the courts to deal with the offender. Not vigilantes. Not mob mentality. Not those brandishing torches and pitchforks.

Finally, thank you to everyone who has shared the paper, supported us and taken the time to email with your kind words over the past six months. The time has absolutely flown by.

A much-needed break is now due, but fear not. The Crowborough Crusader will be away for just one week and will return on 15th August.

I look forward to seeing you all again soon.

Next Issue: Saturday 15th August

The Crowborough Crusader will be taking a break for one week and shall return on the 15th of August with news to share.

Plus more from: Raya Flight, Town Notices, Our Streets: photo of the week and Puzzletime!