Issue 25 Transcript / Published July 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough

www.crowboroughcrusader.com

JUL 2026 Issue 25

This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only. Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group. 2026 The Crowborough Crusader.

Welcome

Mr Burnam is now learning that with great power comes great responsibility. The Crowborough Crusader has always known this.

The Team

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Pink Ladles of Sussex clash with ex-servicemen over patriotism.

By Ron Peepers

A video made by The Pink Ladles (Sussex Chapter) of one of their members waving a small flag out of the window of a car whilst playing a song titled "This is England" has led to a heated debate with ex-servicemen with regard to patriotism.

One of whom comments, "Patriotism is wanting outsiders to share in your country; nationalism is about keeping them out. It is easy to wave flags & say that you are a patriot; it is more difficult to be a patriot & serve your country. I served."

The sentiment was then furthered by another person connected to the military. "My partner served 20 years in the British Army alongside many migrants. He was proud to have served; now he wonders what it was all for. Certainly not for plastic patriots, not for bigots or racists."

The leader of the Sussex Chapter took onboard the points raised and responded with the tact and decorum that The Pink Ladles are famous for: "I know many veterans that would be utterly ashamed of you; it's really sad."

Here at The Crowborough Crusader, may we extend our genuine and heartfelt thanks to all who have put their lives on the line to defend our country on the world stage. We thank you for your service.

We are only sorry that you did not meet with the same level of respect from our Pink Ladles.

Cartoon Speech Bubbles:

Woman 1 (holding England flag, smoking): "WHOO! ENGLAND"

Woman 2 (pointing): "You bring shame to our country!"

The Shielded Crows Set Their Sights on Retirement in the Coming Weeks.

By Ron Peepers

With the High Court now in the process of deciding an outcome of whether The Shielded Crows can continue with their litigation against the government, the feeling amongst the organisation is that they now realise that the sun is setting on their dream of ridding the Crowborough Army camp of its current occupants.

With both options looking equally bleak. Whether they are presented with a dead end or the green light for a fight but without the funds to move forward, they know that their days are dwindling.

The realisation of their oncoming demise has encouraged members to take a more reflective look at their efforts and have instead come to terms with enjoying what little time they have left whilst planning for a future beyond their campaigning.

Their leader Paula Otherone says, "I regret nothing, not one bit, and if I were given the opportunity to spend your wages, pensions and nest eggs on a wild goose chase of a court case again, I would do so in a trice.

A wise philosopher once said, 'You've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, and know when to run.' ...rather than run from the situation, I walk away like an action star with my shades on as the explosion and fire carry on behind me.

All good things come to an end. I shall travel, paint, perhaps write a novel or learn to play the clarinet. Who knows? But the most important thing is to reclaim back my weekends and finally cut ties with all of the clowns who march in the Sunday parade."

Letters to the Agony Aunt

Intergalactic agony aunt Duchess Wheeliebin here to soothe the woes of Crowborough.

By Duchess Wheeliebin

Dear Duchess,

My Colin spends all of his time up the pub. How can I get him to spend more time at home with me?

Gemma from Montargis Way

Duchess:

Well, Gemma,

On Sigma IX males often leave their habitat if it is not fit for their needs, forcing them to look for a more suitable dwelling.

Adaptation is necessary to keep your life partner happy. Compromise advised. You keep the rest of the house the way that meets your needs but change the lounge to resemble a pub.

Install a dartboard. Replace the three-piece suite with bar stools. Mount the TV in the corner of the room and play sports. Dig a cellar underneath the floorboards to store kegs. Create a fully functioning bar which includes a variety of lagers and a guest ale of the week.

For a final finishing touch, change the house name to The Dog & Duck so that when asked by his friends where he is going tonight, he can say that he is going home by mentioning his house name without causing him embarrassment.

Follow my advice and your union will be blessed and substantial in length.

Duchess

Dear Duchess,

I've been on the dating apps now for a couple of years, and I'm yet to find 'the one'. What should I do?

Simon from Fermor Way

Duchess:

Simon,

Perhaps you have not been chosen yet, as you are not the apex member of your species which you think yourself to be. Your overevaluation of your attributes has led to this path of solo-ness.

Drop your standards instantly. Then drop them again.... and you are guaranteed to find someone of your standing.

I wish you good fortune.

Duchess

Dear Duchess,

I'm so allergic to felines that when my girlfriend watches cat videos on TikTok, it makes me sneeze uncontrollably. She blames the algorithm. What should I do?

Gary from Forest Rise

Duchess:

Gary,

It saddens me to hear about your involuntary, convulsive expulsions from your nasal cavities regarding the short documentations of feline activity.

Mobile phones and social media apps are always listening. I advise that when she goes to bed, sit up all night and repeat the phrase "Funny goat videos" to her portable telecommunications device for hours on repeat to encourage the alteration of its recommendation preferences.

Duchess

If you wish to contact the duchess email: duchess-wheeliebin@protonmail.com

Crowborough Beware! Turns Blind Eye to Non-Immigrant Littering

By Ron Peepers

Crowborough Beware! has been investigating the increase in littering around Crowborough Golf Course in recent weeks with daily reports on their findings, attributing the rubbish squarely to the immigrants from the camp.

Where most people see the public nuisance of littering as annoying and harmful to the environment, Crowborough Beware! See the items left as a rich source of evidence.

Their images showed a handful of bottles lying strewn on the grass, beer cans crushed in amongst the leaves, amounting to an entire carrier bag of devastation.

Crowborough Beware! instantly took to posting the debris online and attributing it to the migrants, garnering comments such as:

Brighter Crowborough, the town's voluntary group which donates its time to cleaning up the environment (and who are undeniably fantastic), posted that they had cleaned up 18 bags of rubbish and over 20 wine bottles from across the borough in the space of a week.

When Perry Noid of Crowborough Beware! was asked whether our community by their own standards should be assaulted with a golf club, shunned and ridiculed, he suggested that he couldn't comment any further as the research on that particular demographic hadn't been carried out yet.

Some of Crowborough Says No to speed up the marches to enhance cardio workout.

By Ron Peepers

The nationwide coverage of the Crowborough marches has attracted the attention of a group of personal trainers from Suffolk known collectively as the Felixstowe Fitties.

Having conducted a nine-month comparative study using footage from the earliest marches and the most recent demonstrations, the fitness instructors closely monitored the physical development of regular participants. They anticipated seeing measurable improvements in cardiovascular fitness, muscle tone, stamina and general conditioning after so many consecutive weeks of marching.

Instead, they reported that many regular participants appeared almost exactly the same as they did nine months ago.

Determined to help, the trainers have produced a free twelve-week fitness programme specifically for protest marches.

Their first recommendation is simple: Walk faster.

According to the Felixstowe Fitties, the marchers are currently averaging approximately 3 miles per hour, which they describe as "well below the threshold required to achieve optimal cardiovascular benefit".

"At present the participants are walking at a pace insufficient to promote optimal cardiovascular conditioning", explained head trainer Ivana Proteinshake. "They're simply not spending long enough in their target heart-rate zone to achieve any meaningful fitness gains."

The group recommends increasing the tempo of the weekly playlist with more energetic genres such as jungle or drum and bass, naturally encouraging a faster marching cadence.

"However, they stopped short of recommending anything more strenuous, noting that many participants already appear to be suffering from long-standing rage-related hypertension and that pushing their heart rates much higher 'may be clinically unwise.'"

Cartoon Speech Bubble:

Man holding "STOP THE BOATS" sign looking at his watch: "Ooh a new Personal Best."

Reaching across the void. An interview with Bobby Moore

By Luigi Board

The dramatic knockout of England from the World Cup at the hands of the Argentinians has caused grief and upset amongst the nation, with the small town of Crowborough feeling the sadness as much as anywhere else. With it now being precisely 60 years since our only England win, I took it upon myself to ask Bobby Moore, who captained England to victory back in 1966, just why we haven't claimed the trophy since.

The ritual for connection across the spiritual plain needed to be precise. I placed a T-shirt in the middle of the altar and across it placed a Lion Bar, a dandelion and a can of Lyle's golden syrup with the image of the dead lion on the tin. Followed by drinking through a pack of ceremonial Stella whilst chanting "It's coming home." Within the hour I had opened a portal to the other side.

I called out across the void: "Bobby Moore, it is I, Luigi Board. Can you hear me clearly across the veil?"

"Course I can, Mr Board. I can 'ear you loud and clear. No trouble at all. Clear as a bell."

"I wish to enquire on behalf of the nation and in particular the town of Crowborough about your perspective on why England has yet to lift the World Cup in six decades."

He broke conversation and effortlessly headed a heavy leather football away into the clouds.

"You'll have to pardon me, Mr Board. I'm just in the middle of trainin'. Maradona, Pelé, George Best and I are having a little kick-about later, so I'm just getting a bit of practice in beforehand. Righto, you know how this communicating with the spirits business goes; you've got 3 questions you can ask before the bond between the mortal realm collapses."

"I know it well, Mr Moore, and as such, permit me to ask the first question. Why do you think gaining an extra gold star on the shirt has proved to be so elusive?"

"A gold star? Like, you get in class for doing your 'omework on time? Really?...Oh, hold up, Pelé's shouting something across to me now...Oh, it was your lot who started that off in 1970, was it...and you're up to five now? Blimey, Charlie.

Sorry, back to you, Mr Board. Personally, I think it's more to do with mentality than talent. This country's always loved football and has produced some cracking players over the years, like Rooney, Gazza, Shearer, and now has a pretty strong line-up.

The biggest thing that has always been in their way is that, despite the optimism, there is a collective gloom from fans and players that we're just not going to be able to do it before a player's even made contact with the ball.

I mean, look at our Three Lions song. It's all about losing. That's just the way I see it.

Right, onto question number two, squire."

"Mr Moore, how can England rise above the gloom and have more success on the world stage?"

"Maradona would suggest keeping your hands up at all times - what a joker. No, seriously though, I think that England needs to drop this idea of entitlement, that it's our turn to have it, and you know, just put in some serious welly and just enjoy the game for what it is, a bunch of chaps bashing the ball about for 90 minutes. Put the work in and enjoy the game they're in rather than looking forward to the future ones they haven't played yet.

One more before the big ref in the sky blows his whistle on you."

"Lastly, is England the greatest nation in the world? Many of our local residents seem to be brandishing our flag as a symbol of superiority over other countries."

"The flag isn't supposed to be a warning to people from other lands; it's just our calling card of who we are.

This evening after our kick-around we're going out for a Chinese meal, then heading up the disco to dance the night away to music from the USA and from artists such as the likes of Abba, then probably rounding the night off with the likes of a Turkish kebab...and if I am not mistaken, Mr Board, is that not Belgian pilsner I can smell on your breath? What I mean to say is, aren't all of these nations great in their own way?

England is not the greatest country on this earth, but it's our country, and it is great, and being amongst the greats is good enough for me."

His words echoed in my ears as I came to with the realisation that in my stupor I had knocked the golden syrup all over the t-shirt, but nothing a hot wash couldn't handle.

Letters to the Editor

Top Tip

Have the last word with shop staff by implementing the phrase: "I know I'm welcome." into your interactions.

— Jim Membership

PUZZLETIME!

This week Some of Crowborough Says No have intimidated a church into "seeing things their way".

Below are 3 other businesses that have been leaned on by the organisation and one that has yet to be.

Can you spot which business has not been subjected to their 'friendly' advice?

STAR LETTER:

"So Bungle is a bear, and George is a hippo, but what the living fudge is Zippy?" — Chris Packham

Notices

Sloven Water

Following the overwhelming success of last week's Rain Dance Rave, Crowborough may experience up to 15mm of rain this weekend. You're welcome.

Free garden plants

It seems that this year I have had the good fortune to benefit from a bumper crop of plants, in fact too many for me to take care of, and that is why I am offering those with green thumbs the opportunity to take a few off my hands for free!

Especially good for those gardeners who are following the trend of emulating the tranquil, ornamental gardens of Japan.

Come grab your Japanese knotweed from me today; first come, first served.

— Connie Fur

Some of Crowborough Says No

Remember:

"THE FAR LEFT WILL CRITICISE OR TRY TO SILENCE YOU FOR EXPRESSING CONCERNS. JUST REMEMBER IT IS OKAY TO HAVE CONCERNS. THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON."

WHAT MAKES YOU A BAD PERSON IS YOUR INTOLERANCE AND LACK OF EMPATHY ...AND THAT IS SOMETHING THAT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY FROM YOU.

Stay strong, brothers and sisters.

— Barry Cade

Crowborough: Part-Troll

As many of you may know, a few weeks ago we discovered, whilst on the hunt for the mythical Crowborough: Part-Troll, a sacred stone in the woods near Tollwood Road which has been believed to have stood there for centuries casting a spell of protection over our fair town.

Well, we have managed to decipher, categorise, distil and synthesise the magic contained within the stone before transferring it into ordinary pebbles we nabbed from the beach, enchanting each one by hand. Consumers can now purchase a practical, portable way of keeping themselves safe with their very own stone talisman. £6 each, £10 for two, available from our stall at the back of Merry-Sons Car Park.

— Nigel Cellophane

Advert: VEGAN TAXIDERMY

Thought mounting and stuffing tasteful objects was just a pastime for those who wanted to do harm to animals?

Think again.

Running from September at The Crowborough Community Centre.

A Little Raya Flight

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.

By Raya Flight

Stepping out onto the patio this week to survey how my little garden is progressing, I see there are definitely some winners and losers lining the lawn. The lavender and buddleia smell divine and are covered in red admirals and are thriving, but my busy Lizzies do look to be in rather a sad state.

But saddest of all is the lawn. Once lush and soft to the touch, it is now as blonde as a Swede and with a texture akin to a scarecrow. It has no shade and no place to hide from the sun and so has withered to its haybale state.

It's not just the garden that's been neglected, but my health has too, as in this heat I haven't stepped foot in the gym for a couple of weeks. My gym card has turned into a bookmark, and I feel a little sluggish if I'm being truthful.

I decided to remedy this funk by taking myself for a walk in the shady woods near The Horder Centre down St John's Road.

A little walk in the shade surrounded by thriving plants would work wonders.

I parked nearby, pulled on my pink hiking shoes, and was making my way to the entrance when I saw a flier on the noticeboard for a Green Gym.

The Conservation Volunteers run the session on Thursday mornings, where you can pop along and take part in gentle exercise under the shady canopies.

Activities include tree planting, woodland management, and gardening with a variety to suit everyone of all abilities and inclusive of those who have mobility issues or who may need to go at a gentler pace.

What a fantastic idea, a place to stay cool, stay fit, socialise and get involved in a community project which helps other visitors to the woods.

Curious to find out more, I looked at their page online to see that they had recently been managing some overgrown brambles and, whilst doing so, managed to find some delicate little orchids and a beautiful - once loved but now discarded - song thrush nest.

Natural little treasures like that do fascinate me, and I believe the Green Gym too is a treasure in its own right.

If you would love to get involved in the Green Gym initiative and join a like-minded bunch of environmentalists in a spot of gentle exercise, then get in touch and fill out a registration form by contacting lorna.neville@tcv.org.uk or by calling 07740 899559.

Final Thought

By Ron Peepers

A new week and a new prime minister and a new chance to unify the nation. So far Mr Burnham has vowed to end rough sleeping, has reduced bus travel to £2, has scrapped VAT on electricity bills for the time being, and has even convinced the mega-rich like Gary Lineker, Val McDermid and Brian Eno to come forward and say, "Please tax us more."

Let's not forget the former Prime Minister. Whether you loved him or loathed him, he took office under difficult circumstances, chose not to follow Mr Trump into war with Iran, restored dignity and grace to Number 10, and departed with the respect the position deserves.

Furthermore, he was awarded the Légion d'honneur by President Macron and the Order of Freedom by President Zelensky. Not a tinfoil FIFA peace trophy, not a £5,000,000 crypto billionaire donation. Real awards for being an upstanding servant of the people.

Mr Starmer, you will not be missed by everyone, but I dare to think of what state Britain would be in if you hadn't come along.

Next Issue: Saturday 1st August