Issue 24 Transcript / Published July 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes
The Crowborough Crusader
Issue 24 | JUL 2026
A satirical march through Crowborough
PAGE 1
The Crowborough Crusader
A satirical march through Crowborough
JUL 2026 | Issue 24
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Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group.
© 2026 The Crowborough Crusader.
Welcome
As inevitable as yellow cards in an Argentinian semi-final, The Crowborough Crusader.
The Team
Ron Peepers - Editor and Journalist.
Moz - Cartoonist.
Raya Flight - Junior Reporter
CHALLENGE REFEREE!
"I called up and argued that the striker was clearly offside and the ref blew a whistle at me for 10 minutes straight- bloomin' brilliant."
Call 0872 then mash the keypad with your fist!
WE'RE READY TO LISTEN FOR ONLY THE LOW LOW PRICE OF £2 PER MINUTE.
"We act a bit like PCSOs" states Crowborough Beware!
By Ron Peepers
Troy Toohard, news reporter from Grate on Britain News, swooped into Crowborough this week to interview members of the vigilante patrol known as Crowborough Beware!
During his report with a member of the organisation, he enquired as to how they conduct themselves within the town. Claire-Lee Upsett explained that "Because we don't have our own police on the ground here, we act a bit like PCSOs."
Troy enquired further:
"Ah, so you've gone through biometric vetting, which includes taking fingerprints, DNA, and substance misuse testing."
"Oh...so you've passed the Job-Related Fitness Test (JRFT), which requires reaching Level 5.4 on a bleep test, and have gone through medical screening which assesses the mental and physical capability of dealing with stressful situations?"
"Negatory"
"Right, but you've spent weeks learning about:
Core operational skills and UK legislation/police powers.
Communication and conflict management skills.
Managing crime scenes, report writing, and gathering intelligence.
Identifying vulnerability, safeguarding, and mental health awareness."
"...erm..."
"But you have undergone Public & Personal Safety Training (PPST), which is mandatory physical training to teach you how to protect yourself and the public, defuse tense situations, and safely handle conflict without relying on weapons."
"I cannot confirm that I have."
"Ok, how about...oh, I've got it...you must have successfully completed an intensive 10-week coaching phase where you are under strict guidance with a supervising officer who-"
"Let me just cut you short there, Troy."
"Sure."
"We use notepads...like PCSOs."
"Oh..."
Off camera, Troy reportedly gave reassurance to Claire-Lee by confiding that he can empathise as Grate on Britain News pretends to be a news broadcaster.
(Visual descriptions from Page 1 graphics: A cartoon sign reads "CROWBOROUGH BEWARE!" featuring a smiling sun and flowers, drawn onto a 'little tikes' toy car. The car side panels read "CB!")
PAGE 2
Independent fact-checkers assess validity of 'commuter' account posted by Crowborough Beware!
Independent fact-checkers, Crowborough Office of Public Scrutiny (C.O.P.S.), have been called in with regard to a recent Crowborough Beware! post, dated 15th July at precisely 10:08.
The post (seen right) was accompanied by an image of a non-white man in his shorts, sandals and button-up shirt sitting at a table onboard a train.
Paragraph 1
Readers are expected to infer that the complainant's job creates a special need for anonymity, although no explanation is provided.
The post describes the man's appearance ("dishevelled looking") whilst asking readers not to judge the complainant.
Whilst repeated looking is alleged, the assertion that it was done "with no shame" is subjective rather than evidential.
Descriptions of clothing and emotional impact are subjective contextual details rather than evidence of the gentleman's behaviour.
The account contains numerous specific contextual details (location, timing, commute and attire), which increase narrative realism but do not independently corroborate the alleged conduct.
Paragraph 2
The accompanying commentary expresses a broad moral principle rather than commenting on the evidential basis of the specific allegation.
Crowborough Beware! states it communicated with the complainant throughout the incident; no supporting evidence of those communications is presented.
Previous reporting by the organisation has not always proven accurate.
The accompanying guidance is presented in the style of public safety advice despite the organisation holding no statutory authority.
Conclusion
If true, the alleged conduct is unacceptable. Equally, so is publicly identifying individuals without sufficient supporting evidence. As such, C.O.P.S. rates the allegation 'dubious', as the published evidence falls short of substantiating it.
(Visual scale graphic shows an arrow pointing at the number 3 on a line spanning from 0 "Absolute Porky Pies" to 10 "God's honest truth")
!! Crowborough train station this morning !!
'I wish to remain anonymous due to my job. But I have just experienced something really uncomfortable and unsettling on my commute to work. A dishevelled looking man who got on the train at Crowborough was looking at my legs for an uncomfortable amount of time, he was looking them up and down repeatedly with no shame (I have a thigh length work dress on) and left my skin crawling. In my 11 years of commuting I have never, ever been made to feel so uncomfortable.
Nobody should be made to feel like this, the lady had to move seats when she felt safe enough to do so. We were able to communicate with her during her journey and she has arrived safely. Please be aware of your surroundings and let someone know if you are feeling uncomfortable. Text British transport police on 61016 or phone 0800 40 50 40.
Distant Cousin of Count Binface – Duchess Wheeliebin becomes Crowborough's new agony aunt
By Ron Peepers
Some of the keen-eyed readers of The Crowborough Crusader who follow politics will know of Count Binface, who is running in the Clacton by-election in August. Claiming to be the leader of a race known as the Recyclons from Sigma IX.
Count Binface descended from the upper reaches of the universe to assert his dominance by trying to seize the seaside town; however, not all Recyclons are thirsty for power, and as such, Duchess Wheeliebin is determined to prove that she can be of service to the people of Crowborough in the form of The Crowborough Crusader's newest member and agony aunt.
The Duchess, now living in the borough, hopes that aiding the town by listening to the woes of its citizens and parting with sage advice will help to make the world a little better to live in and will create an intergalactic alliance between the recyclons and earthlings.
But why our town, you may well ask? It seems that on a recent visit she spoke with one of the protestors and got the impression that Crowborough was the centre of the universe, and where better to start than there?
Beginning her new role next week, if you have questions for the duchess, please email duchess-wheeliebin@protonmail.com
PAGE 3
Sloven Water fears that the Rain Dance Rave was too successful and issues a red flood warning for the week ahead.
Last weekend saw visitors flocking to fields on the outskirts of Crowborough for the first ever mass dance event hosted by a water company, the Sloven Water Rain Dance Rave.
After rewarding their investors with healthy returns and making sure that those at the top receive the huge bonuses they deserve, Sloven Water found themselves to be in a financial predicament leading to being unable to tackle such minor trivialities, such as haemorrhaging pipes, no water, low pressure, and brown water.
With the water table lower than a dachshund's belly, their creative team spent every last brass farthing that they had on flying to America to be taught how to rain dance by the Hopi Tribe, and stumping up the last of their coffers hosting last week's precipitation party.
Tens of thousands attended the event on Saturday and, under instruction, meticulously copied the sacred moves passed on to Sloven Water. The dancing and music carried on until the pink sky appeared early on Monday morning, with the music making way for the dawn chorus.
Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger attended the event on behalf of Crowborough Town Council and commented:
"The event was simply marvellous, although I had a headache at first, but some body offered me a funny-coloured aspirin which worked miracles, allowing me to dance two days straight!
Sloven Water absolutely nailed it; we don't always need technology or responsible financial decisions to deliver a necessity for living to the public; sometimes we need to look back into the past and trust tradition."
However, Sloven Water has become a victim of its own success and fears that the mass of dancers and the sheer power of the moves may have potentially brought on torrential rain in the coming weeks and therefore has issued a red weather warning for the town.
The CEO of Sloven Water shares:
"After the close of the event, when I finally got to bed on the Monday morning, I dreamt that I had transformed into my spirit animal, an earthworm. I was underground and heard the heavy thudding patter of the rain above, and then the tunnels flooded, and I woke up in bed, gasping for air.
The ancients were trying to warn me. To warn us all.
Still, at least it will be good for the garden."
Reverend Rentaghost fears the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse visited Crowborough marches.
In the last nine months that the protests have taken place, Some of Crowborough Says No have invited a whole host of colourful characters to their marches.
However, Reverend Rentaghost has discovered what he believes to be a worrying pattern. After consulting several more senior members of the clergy, he now fears that four of these visitors may represent the reincarnation of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, each heralding a new blight upon the borough.
The figures of particular concern are Kacey Slopkins, who visited back in March; Neville Barage in April; the Raising the Coloured Crayons representative from Oxfordshire in January; and finally, completing the quartet only this week, Troy Toohard from Grate on Britain News.
Whether the four were summoned by Some of Crowborough Says No through some forgotten dark ritual or simply invited by email remains unknown. Reverend Rentaghost believes there is no immediate danger, provided they were merely passing through.
Reverend Rentaghost has asked members of his congregation to include in this Sunday's prayers a polite request that the four ominous characters do not darken the borough's doorstep again.
(Graphic: The 4 Horsemen labeling caricatures as: VANITY, GREED, DANGER TO CHILDREN, MORAL PANIC)
Letters to the Editor
EDITOR
I thought it was called the 'tip' because you had to give the workers a gratuity. All those trips to dispose of the rubbish have cost me an absolute fortune over the years!
— Rob Ishdump
There's an ultraviolet but no ultra-beige. Makes you think!
— Maureen Soreen
Does a Teletubby need a TV licence or is it a perk of working for the BBC?
— Skye Teevee
Top Tip
Power your solar panels with a floodlight powered by the solar panels. Infinite electricity.
— Jim Membership
PUZZLETIME!
When recently polled, what did the citizens of Crowborough say they would prefer to do than be featured on Grate on Britain News?
A) Gargle Nails
B) Dry themselves off with a towel made of sandpaper.
C) Pass kidney stones the size of golf balls.
Notices
The Shielded Crows
Although the last time we went to the High Court, we provided transport to London, we shall be unable to do so this time around, as we have only just scraped enough money together for a return ticket up there for ourselves.
We hope that by sitting outside the court with a cardboard sign pleading for spare change during the lunch adjournment, we will secure enough money for a Pret A Manger meal deal; as you may know, we are not above begging.
Furthermore, later today, we will be announcing the winners of our fundraising auction and revealing who has won our wonderfully generous donated prize of a shotgun cover. It's always reassuring to know that, in our hour of need, some of our most enthusiastic supporters are 'responsible' firearms owners.
— Paula Otherone.
Crowborough Beware!
Following on from our successful interactions with the community's children and finding ourselves with rather too much spare time while the schools are closed, our dedicated volunteers have decided to open a branch of Crowborough Beware! Cadets, designed to prepare the next generation of town protectors through a range of fun activities, including:
Racial Profiling Games.
Arts & Crafts specialising in the manufacture of evidence.
Photography - learning to pose proudly for group photographs.
Confidence Building - helping cadets develop the self-belief to ask members of the public questions they have absolutely no obligation to answer, all with an unwavering sense of superiority and moral justice.
Pink Ladles!
Following on from last week's hugely successful event, where we loaded up on booze at The Gold Lion in Dover before marching towards and shouting at the sea, we have received some feedback.
Washed up on the shore during the early hours of Friday morning was a bottle containing a handwritten note which read:
« Taisez-vous, s'il vous plaît. » La France (Please be quiet. - France.)
PAGE 4
Our Streets
Fishfinger Out of Water
Photo of the week submitted by: Sloven Water Marketing Department
(Banner in background image reads: SLOVEN WATER RAIN DANCE 2026)
A little Raya Flight
Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.
By Raya Flight
On Wednesday evening of this week I, as well as most people, was glued to the coverage of the World Cup in our semi-final play-off against Argentina. My niece and brother had come over for the match, bringing pizza with them, which we devoured quickly - probably more from nerves than from hunger.
When England makes it to the final four, the nation seems to manifest a new and tentative optimism. Hope rises like a helium balloon, and our brains statistically try to trick us into thinking this is our turn.
The first half was more of a brawl than 'the beautiful game', but as soon as Gordon scored, we found that our jubilant cheers were echoed back to us from the adjacent houses on the street.
But it wasn't meant to be. Tears welled in my niece's eyes as I comforted her and tried to draw the attention away from mine, which were doing the same.
Whether you follow football or not, it has everything: drama, skill, highs, lows, dedication, sportsmanship and a level of decency that our nation puts on the world stage as our advocates. The likes of Kane, Rashford, and Bellingham don't just appear overnight; they train and rise through the ranks of local clubs.
Right here on our doorstep we have Crowborough Athletic, which has been established since 1894 and operates out of Alderbrook, offering football to adults and children alike at every age level.
Equally as historic and impressive is Jarvis Brook FC, which has been around since 1897, playing from the Lime Kiln playing fields down Palesgate Lane and also catering for those keen to play at all different ages.
It is from these grassroots clubs that legends are formed. Without clubs of this calibre dotted around the country, England simply wouldn't keep producing the players capable of reaching major tournaments.
So, here's to you, the mighty Crowborough Athletic, and the bold Jarvis Brook FC, and may you and the likes of all local clubs throughout the land carry our optimism and hopes forward for many years to come.
I highly recommend seeing them in action and supporting your local teams. Who knows, perhaps somebody from Crowborough will eventually put another star on the England shirt.
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Final Thought
Ron Peepers
As the final whistle blew on the semi-final against our South American combatants in the World Cup, the nation was robbed of hope once again. Our opponents, true to the song Don't Cry for Me Argentina, did not shed a single tear for our misery.
Thankfully, the Women's World Cup is but a year away, and hopefully they'll have the opportunity to settle the score. When it comes to lions, lionesses are always the more successful hunters, and I'm sure they'll instil the same pride that our chaps did.
Now, just a heads up so it doesn't come as too much of a blow. We are currently on Issue 24, just two weeks away from having run The Crowborough Crusader for half a year. As such, I have decided to take a one-week break afterwards, so there will be no issue on 8 August.
But I shall return with news of something which will hopefully make up for the brief interruption.
Come 15 August, The Crowborough Crusader will be back as scheduled.
(Signs in photo display text: CROWBOROUGH SAYS NO / BODY'S GONNA KNOW)
Next Issue: Saturday 25th July
Luigi Board interviews Bobby Moore on the current England team's successes and defeats.
Duchess Wheeliebin looks forward to alleviating the woes of Crowborough by answering your emails.
Plus more from: Raya Flight, Town Notices, Our Streets: photo of the week and Puzzletime!
Crowborough Crusader.com