Issue 23 Transcript / Published July 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

Issue 23 | JUL 2026

A satirical march through Crowborough

www.crowboroughcrusader.com

Page 1

Header & Masthead

The Crowborough Crusader A satirical march through Crowborough www.crowboroughcrusader.com

Welcome As energetic as Tigger, as sober as Eeyore, and with the wisdom of Owl: The Crowborough Crusader.

The Team

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Cartoon Dialogue: "I'll put the kettle on, fancy a Piña Colada, luv?" "Ooh how exotic, go on then." — Moz

Issue Info © 2026 The Crowborough Crusader. JUL 2026 Issue 23 This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only. Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group.

Main Article

Never one to bear a grudge: Lou Smorrals U-turns on Winnie the Pooh By Ron Peepers

MP for Sussex and Weald Lou Smorrals has been busy this week as a celebrity, a royal, and, most importantly, cameras have descended on Ashdown Forest in recognition of 100 years of Winnie the Pooh.

Former politician, presenter, wordsmith, author and friend to the real-life Christopher Robin, Gyles Brandreth, was present to cut an Ashdown Forest themed cake in honour of the event alongside local politicians, with Lou Smorrals seen beaming for the photograph.

If the gravitas of Mr Brandreth, who has recently authored a book about how A.A. Milne's bear came into being, wasn't enough, royalty also attended in the form of the queen. The Queen took time to meet delighted and excited schoolchildren, Lou and other guests during her visit, and paid tribute to the literary creation by declaring, "Winnie-the-Pooh is a universal hero," going on to mention that the new trail opened in the forest would see people "pouring in".

However, back in April, Lou Smorrals was astonished and vehemently opposed to the festivity by declaring that "...the celebration of a fictional bear is such a waste of money" and explains the apparent u-turn thusly "Back in April I felt that opposing a 'universal hero' was perfect for my career but following Her Majesty's attendance at the forest I have adapted my strategy to embrace all of A.A Milne's creations".

Page 2

Article 1

Sloven Water prepares for downpour as mass rain dance granted permission in Crowborough By Ron Peepers

This week Sloven Water was keen to put their latest initiative in front of Crowborough Town Council with regard to replenishing the water supply.

Having been delighted with Sloven Water's pitch to host a weekend-long rain dance-style rave in fields on the outskirts of Crowborough, Cllr Jeremy Fishfinger praised the company for such an innovative approach to the shortfall and granted permission for the event and offered the following:

"Not only have I rubber-stamped the idea, but I have also added a weatherproof poncho and glow sticks to my expenses so that I can attend and participate in the precipitation proceedings."

At the front of the stage, Sloven Water executives will teach attendees the rain dance they learnt from the Hopi tribe of Native Americans, with the demonstration shown on a huge screen.

Once everyone has been acquainted with the moves, the heavens should open and monsoon-like rains should descend upon the county, restoring the water table to acceptable levels. Precautions have been taken to rainproof the speakers, lighting and electronics, and the stage has been raised on half-metre stilts so as to raise itself above the predicted welcome flood.

Article 2

Some of Crowborough Says No suffering identity crisis after forgetting what it says "No" to By Ron Peepers

Some of Crowborough Says No have been busy this week posting to social media and preparing for the upcoming march this Sunday, but of late many, including hardcore supporters, are beginning to suspect that the organisation seems to be losing its identity.

Over the course of just a few days, the group have shared news of the arrest of a non-white man in Cranbrook, published an AI-generated goblin caricature of the Deputy Leader of the Green Party, and photographed asylum seekers enjoying a walk through Ashdown Forest.

The eclectic mix of material has left followers increasingly uncertain whether the organisation now sees itself primarily as a local campaign group, a political commentary page, a national news service, or simply somewhere to upload whatever happened to catch someone's eye that afternoon.

Barry Cade, leader of Some of Crowborough Says No, staunchly defended the group's seemingly uncoordinated collection of reports and articles, insisting that it was purposefully designed in a "there's something for everyone" sort of way.

"We pride ourselves on catering for many tastes. We like to think of ourselves as the Royal Variety Performance of public concern. Whether you're incensed by asylum seekers enjoying Ashdown Forest, enjoy ridiculing people who don't tub-thump along to the beat of our drum, or simply appreciate a hearty helping of fearmongering, we have you covered. It's this type of innovation that shows just how progressive and inclusive a group such as ours really is."

Article 3

The Shielded Crows hang on for dear life with scatter-shot fundraising campaign.

Following the announcement of their get-rich-quick scheme to sell memory books of the Crowborough protests and to run a quiz night and raffle in order to boost funds, The Shielded Crows press haphazardly onwards towards inevitable oblivion with their latest venture of an auction.

Having pleaded with the people of Crowborough to donate auctionable items, only for them to be sold back to the very community that donated them at a considerable mark-up, the group are now busy cataloguing and showcasing their latest haul on social media.

With a growing collection of items increasingly reminiscent of the conveyor-belt prizes on The Generation Game or the star prizes on Bullseye, it is rumoured that leader Paula Otherone is hoping that, in the same vein as the latter, her organisation might eventually end up with a speedboat.

Paula is still keen to expand the collection, so if you have anything of value that the organisation hasn't already taken from you, please feel free to donate it to the cause.

She shares, "Remember that by offering your belongings to us, you make sure they aren't wasted by being given away to help raise money for charities."

(Image caption: The Blisterin' Barnacle)

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Letters to the Editor

Letters to the Editor

Has anybody noticed that Crowborough Beware! haven't been around much anymore? Have they all gone off to summer camp or some sort of jamboree? — Trev Yoolmatters

Did you know a dog gets the wrong end of the stick approximately half of the time? Makes you think! — Maureen Soreen

Is a kiwi a type of fruit, a flightless bird or a nickname for someone from New Zealand? There's a fiver riding on it! — Bert Hopscotch

Star Letter Badge:

STAR LETTER Pat E. Cake "Diet Coke was released 44 years ago! Come on boffins, where's the Diet Tiramisu!"

Puzzletime!

PUZZLETIME! Here is Count Binface and next to him, Neville Barrage. Which one has 5 million reasons to worry about getting re-elected?

Notices

The Pink Ladles

Thank you to all of our followers for joining us down in Dover last Saturday for our annual Shout at the Sea event. All chapters of The Pink Ladles descended on the town, getting our thirst on at The Golden Lion before finding a roundabout to dance on with our flags. We then marched, under extensive police escort, to the seafront, where we proudly shouted "Stop the Boats", "Safety" and "We Won't Be Silenced" directly at the English Channel.

We consider the day a complete success and are delighted to confirm that the sea is now in absolutely no doubt whatsoever how we feel about the matter.

The Nice Centre

Following the increasingly elevated tone of public discourse within the borough, Crowborough has been selected to trial one of the government's new Nice Centres.

The facilities are intended for residents who may be feeling overwhelmed by prolonged exposure to outrage, indignation or social media and require a brief period of emotional recalibration before returning to society.

Visitors will be welcomed into a climate-controlled environment featuring reclining massage chairs, soothing background music, and specially curated social media feeds containing nothing but wholesome content, including a duck that has taught itself to skateboard, kittens playing with butterflies, and babies laughing uncontrollably.

Officials believe that after approximately twenty minutes of uninterrupted pleasantness, most visitors should once again be capable of describing another human being without using the words traitor, communist, fascist, or snowflake.

Patients will only be discharged once their blood pressure, pulse rate, and comment-writing impulses have returned to acceptable levels.

Hashbrown FM

Hashbrown FM would like to apologise to the people of Crowborough who experienced water outages a fortnight ago. During the afternoon show our playlist included Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel, River of Dreams by Billy Joel and Waterfalls by TLC. Upon reflection, this was probably a poor choice.

We have since reviewed our emergency broadcasting procedures, and, should such an incident occur again, listeners can instead look forward to a more appropriate 'dry' selection, including Desert Rose by Sting, High and Dry by Radiohead and Another One Bites the Dust by Queen.

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Illustrated Sections

100 Years (Banner across illustration of a royal figure, a woman stepping on a honey pot, and a man in a teddy bear sweater) Pot label: Hunny Caption: Un-bear-ably decent Publicity

Our Streets Photo of the week submitted by: Len Smearer

Cartoon Section

Crowborough SLUGGERY Dialogue 1: "The dogs are at the boarding kennels. The cat is at the cattery, but bloomin' 'eck, what about the slugs?" Signpost: Crowborough Sluggery - Five Star Slime! Feature Box: Your garden molluscs will enjoy:

Dialogue 2: "I was worried they'd be out of sorts when we returned but the blighters have already munched through the marigolds!"

Column Article

A little Raya Flight Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town. By Raya Flight

Finally, the weekend is here, and to be honest, it can't come soon enough, as mine hasn't been the easiest one to navigate. Work deadlines, the heat, feeling generally run down and the cherry on the cake being a garage bill that was high enough to make even the most stoic shed a tear.

But on the positive side, I managed to cover all of the stories, I now have a wonderfully cool desk fan, I'm feeling much better, and I know that my car is in tip-top condition for the foreseeable future fingers crossed. Especially after a testing week, the weekend is a fantastic chance to unwind, recoup and gather yourself again, and that is exactly what I plan to do.

Sunday has been reserved solely for doing as little as possible: pottering, snacking, reading and watching TV. But Saturday is all about an event that I've been looking forward to for quite some time now: Crowfest.

This is the first year where I have been able to attend and am looking forward to letting my hair down. This free festival held at Goldsmiths Recreation provides a fantastic opportunity for the town to showcase local musical talent and has a packed line-up including Stella Jackaman, The Midnight Project, My Left Eye, Superzero, The JL Collective and The Varlies - who are brilliant - closing the evening.

Further to the variety of music is an itinerary of eclectic events, such as a Viking Battle Display, comedy in the form of the Daft as a Brush Show, and Taekwon-Do demonstrations as well as Crowborough Rugby Club wowing the crowds with their feats of power and athleticism.

Genuinely, to have this level of entertainment available for free and accessible to everyone is a fantastic gift for our town and shows that Crowborough is packed to the rafters with accomplished people.

So now you can see why Sunday has been reserved for as little as possible, as I will need to recover from my hoarse voice brought on from the previous day's loud singing and from cheering on those taking part in the displays.

But nothing a hot honey, lemon and ginger - with a possible dash of medicinal whisky - can't solve.

I look forward to raising my voice in chorus with you all for as long as it lasts - later today.

Crowfest begins today (11th) at 13:00 at Goldsmiths Recreation Ground with the last act starting at 20:00.

Final Thought & Footer

Final Thought By Ron Peepers

It does seem as though the climate of hostility is beginning to taper off in Crowborough. There appears to be less activity from the blue-hatted vigilante patrol on our streets, with no corresponding alteration to the level of safety enjoyed by the citizens they claim to serve, so hopefully they are benefiting from the rest as much as we are.

The Pink Ladles continue to delight us with outings elsewhere beyond the borough, providing a little respite from their antics. There also seems to be less frothing at the mouth to install new flags now that the national organisation which promotes such activities and proudly marched alongside protesters back in January, is mired in allegations relating to the downloading of indecent images of children, alongside long-standing allegations of violence. Hopefully, once the World Cup comes to an end, the flags can be removed without incident and saved for occasions that truly deserve commemoration or celebration.

With The Shielded Crows now enjoying the last glow of their embers and march attendance continuing to dwindle, it seems entirely plausible that Crowborough may return to a state of sanity sooner rather than later.

(Sign Photo): CROWBOROUGH SAYS NO - such thing as stupid questions... only stupid answers

Next Issue: Saturday 18th July

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