Issue 22 Transcript / Published July 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

Issue 22 | JUL 2026

A satirical march through Crowborough

www.crowboroughcrusader.com

Page 1

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough

www.crowboroughcrusader.com

Welcome

As independent as the USA on the 4th of July—but with significantly better impulse control: The Crowborough Crusader

The Team

Have you considered... Laser Eye Surgery.

© 2026 The Crowborough Crusader.

JUL 2026 Issue 22

This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only.

Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group.

£25,000 needed this week for KC: Is this last chance saloon for The Shielded Crows?

By Ron Peepers

Amazingly, The Shielded Crows, not being able to raise the amount that they had previously hoped for in last week's appeal broadcast, seemed to have dodged a bullet with regard to bringing their campaign to an end. The donations sourced from their supporters have allowed them to trickle onwards towards their legal goals, but the real shot in the arm was their successful negotiation in convincing their former solicitors to take the case on as a pro bono arrangement.

However, such serendipity cannot be overestimated, as no sooner was the good news uttered than the renewed plea for extra funds explaining a further £25,000 would be needed almost immediately.

[Cartoon Dialogues]

Character 1: "I'm the leader of the Shielded Crows and I'm here to bring the government to justice!"

Character 2 (Mournin' Glory Undertakers): "Sure you are, sonny. Sure you are. Would you say you're around 5'5"?"

(Sound effects: CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!)

(Tombstone: R.I.P. YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED)

Paula Otherone of The Shielded Crows emoted that the funds were required for the services of a King's Council to represent them in their fight at the High Court, and should the funds not be realised, then the wheels would fall off of their legal revolt against the government.

Even if piggy banks have been raided and the back of the sofas checked for loose change and the £25,000 is found, then the next bill will be landing on the mat shortly afterwards.

With tens of thousands sunk into this venture which has yet to bear any fruit, many have asked, 'Would the money not have been better spent within the community rather than lining lawyers' pockets?'

Page 2

Local Hardware Shop Runs Out of 10-Foot Poles After Protesters Buy Entire Stock

By Ron Peepers

After uncomfortable photographs from January resurfaced showing prominent members of Raising the Coloured Crayons at the front of the Crowborough marches, a local hardware shop has reportedly had to place an emergency order for 10-foot poles to keep up with demand.

Staff say customers have been buying them in unprecedented numbers, explaining that they wished to provide a practical demonstration of exactly what they wouldn't touch the organisation with, especially now that it has been connected with murder, GBH, suspected wounding, harassment, public order offences and now allegations of the manufacture of indecent images of children.

Patrons include The Shielded Crows, The Pink Ladles, and Some of Crowborough Says No.

Paula Otherone of The Shielded Crows comments:

"That was then... a whole six months ago. Back when we needed the first wave of funding, they seemed like such lovely fellows. Now...(gestures towards the 10-foot pole)...this is the absolute minimum distance we're keeping from them."

Giesle Skullcracker of The Pink Ladles offers:

"We were protesting about the danger to children from unvetted men, and having them in our crowd proved we were right all along."

(Graphic caption: 10 FOOT (3.05 METRES))

"Yes, you can see us all marching together, but photographs only capture what happened, not what we wish, in hindsight, hadn't happened." stated Barry Cade of Some of Crowborough says No, brandishing his pole.

Although not everyone was so lucky, as the MP for Sussex & Weald, Lou Smorrals, arrived to find that the store had sold out. The heavy supporter of The Shielded Crows was forlorn that she could not prove how far she was now separated from the entire protest movement.

Crowborough Beware! expressed considerable relief that they had not yet been founded when the visitors came to town, thereby sparing themselves a rather awkward chapter in the town's recent history.

Protection Benchmark: Troll Stone vs Crowborough Beware!

By Ron Peepers

Keen readers of The Crowborough Crusader will remember that last week a relic known as the Troll Stone was discovered by the Crowborough: Part-Troll team. Troll expert Jørn Jannsson believes the item to be some form of mystical talisman which has been quietly casting a spell of protection over the town for centuries.

Whilst the artefact continues to undergo scientific examination, Jannsson considered it only sensible to benchmark the level of protection it has unknowingly provided to the people of Crowborough against what he regards as the next greatest protective force on our streets: Crowborough Beware!

(Image: A stone monument engraved with runes and the text "PROTECTOR - OF - CROWBOROUGH")

CROWBOROUGH PROTECTION BENCHMARK REPORT

AN INDEPENDENT ASSESSMENT BY JØRN JANSSON

BENCHMARK

TROLL STONE (THE TROLL STONE)

CROWBOROUGH BEWARE!

1. PROTECTION OF RESIDENTS


Ability to protect Crowborough residents from external threats and disruption.

5.0


The Troll Stone has quietly sat there and, to the lay observer, appears to have done nothing to prevent harm coming to the people of Crowborough.

5.0


Crowborough Beware! have been equally as effective.

2. PUBLIC TRUST


Level of trust and confidence demonstrated by the people of Crowborough.

5.0


The Troll Stone was crafted by an ancient civilisation and has quietly enjoyed the trust of generations of Crowborough residents for centuries.

1.2


Crowborough Beware! do not trust the people of Crowborough with the identities of their members, nor provide any means of independently verifying the background checks they state have been completed.

3. SAFETY WITH MINORS


Behaviour and impact with regards to children.

5.0


The Troll Stone has never followed children walking to or from school.

0.8


Crowborough Beware! have.

4. PREJUDICE


Demonstrated equality and absence of prejudice towards anyone.

5.0


The Troll Stone has never been known to discriminate against anybody.

1.0


Crowborough Beware! have yet to demonstrate the same consistency.

OVERALL BENCHMARK RATING

5.0/5.0

2.0/5.0 ★★☆☆☆

Scoring based on the Jannson Trust Scale (0 - No Trust / 5 - Complete Trust)

CONCLUSION

To the untrained eye, both appear to be accomplishing very little. Yet supporters insist each provides an invaluable layer of protection. According to this independent benchmark, the Troll Stone remains the gold standard by which all alternatives are measured.

Page 3

Stuck Beyond the Uck

(Hashbrown Radio's answer to Desert Island Discs)

Featuring - Paula Otherone of The Shielded Crows

By Casper Teatime

Back once again at the desk of The Crowborough Crusader compiling another ever-popular episode of our musical feature Stuck Beyond the Uck. The premise is simple - just like in the BBC's version of Desert Island Discs. We take one local star and have them imagine that they were stuck beyond the River Uck, far away from civilisation.

They may choose and take with them only 5 songs which have had the most impact on their lives; also, they may take with them a luxury of their choice (which does not exceed £20) - and of course, we will give them a copy of the Crowborough bylaws to read so that boredom doesn't set in.

Choosing our tracks today is a guest who is never too far away from the limelight and media attention and, in my opinion, is one groovy cat: the donation sensation, Paula Otherone, leader of The Shielded Crows.

Casper: That's a brilliantly bonkers collection of tracks there, Paula, showcasing the whole range of your personality, but the time has come where I have to ask you what luxury under the value of £20 you'll take with you, which regretfully rules out your own memory book.

Paula: -plenty still available, £20 min...

Casper: -What will you choose?

Paula: Well, I think I would choose something like a fancy box of chocolates because if I'm 'Stuck beyond the Uck' I'd be the outsider, and I would have to convince whoever I run into in the future that I'm a good person, and the gift of chocolate might make them realise I'm worth integrating into their society.

Casper: And lastly, if all those tremendous tracks were swept away by the sea, but you had time to save one, which one would you reach for?

Paula: I think it's really got to be Master of the House when the landlord sings the lines such as "Master of the house, keeper of the zoo / Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two." and "I do whatever pleases / Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!" ...just make me go all misty-eyed.

Page 4

(Image: A prize ribbon badge with the text: "Andy Burnham looks like a younger version of the old man from Pixar's Up.")

Letters to the Editor

STAR LETTER

Andy Burnham looks like a younger version of the old man from Pixar's Up.

— Calvin Lampshade

PUZZLETIME!

Which, if any, of the following will still be around next Saturday?

No prizes. Just the quiet satisfaction of being right.

Notices

Crowborough Miniature Railway

Crowborough Miniature Railway will be starting its summer timetable from 25th July to 31st August, with train rides available on Saturdays and Sundays from 2pm to 5pm. The railway will also be operating during the upcoming Crowfest. However, should any unforeseen circumstances occur, the team is prepared with miniature coaches to provide a miniature rail replacement service.

Bin Collection

Due to the unfortunate situation of some people's food waste bins not being collected, the waste management company has announced a simple solution: every collection vehicle will now be fitted with the same chimes found on ice-cream vans. The melodies will remind residents to put the correct bin out, with each tune indicating which collection day it is.

Bacon Academy

With only a few weeks left of term, we would like to congratulate all Year 10 students who have taken their mocks recently and hope that all of the GCSE and A-level students receive all the grades they hope for when the exam results are released next month. But most of all, we hope this long summer holiday gives students the opportunity to forget all about the whole "6/7" phenomenon and allows the maths department sufficient time to recover from the collective trauma.

Sloven Water

After being told by the government to clean up their act, Sloven Water have spent their entire budget dedicated to improving operations on a visit to Arizona to meet what remains of the Hopi Native Americans. With a potential hosepipe ban and drought on the way following record June temperatures, Sloven Water's think tank has decided that learning how to rain dance would be their best strategy. The new dance moves are currently being taught throughout the corporation, with the first few drops of precipitation expected in as little as ten days.

Page 5

(Cartoon Illustration: Members of "Pink Ladles" and "Some of Crowborough Says No" along with Paula Otherone are holding a long pole, pushing away two angry-looking men wearing hoodies that read "Raising the Coloured Crayons".)

Caption: Poles Apart. Photo of the week submitted by: Len Smearer

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A little Raya Flight

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.

By Raya Flight

I've never been really much of a foodie, and my tastes are sometimes laughably basic compared to most, and I'd be more inclined to have a crisp sandwich than spend my money in a fancy restaurant where every dish has a back story or how every ingredient sounds as if it took a worldwide scavenger hunt to collect, or worse and most inexcusable of all is when there is more plate on show than the portion.

Now don't get me wrong; I don't have a restricted palate and am always willing to try new foods, but for me, what always hits the spot is something simple, made with care, and a little sweet. There's nothing that gives me quite the pick-me-up as when I pick up a cake. Nothing quite beats the feeling of coming home after the end of a long day and remembering that you've got a slice of carrot cake still waiting for you in the fridge - my favourite.

If you share the love for spongey delights or crumbly wonders, then you are in luck because on your doorstep, in the centre of Crowborough, there is a bake sale going on this very day at Bar Trend in Crowborough from 10.30am to 12.30pm on Saturday the 4th of July. The cakes have been crafted with care, are plentiful, reasonably priced and, if you ask me, are exactly what you deserve to round off the week nicely.

But what's more is that the proceeds of the sale will be going straight into the coffers of Crowborough Food Bank. In the midst of the cost of living crisis, they believe, as do I, that no child or adult who lives in an affluent country such as ours should ever have to go hungry. Crowborough Food Bank provides ingredients for substantial meals for those in need and provides a vital backstop to those that use its services.

So this Saturday I embody, for a split second, Marie Antoinette and answer the question of what the people of Crowborough should eat this Saturday with this probably historically inaccurate line: "Let them eat cake!" Because when we treat ourselves, we care for ourselves. And in this case if we care for ourselves, we also spread that care to others, and that is really what a true community is all about.

10.30-12.30 (Today), 4th July, at Bar Trend

Page 6

(Image: A photo of a vinyl street banner reading:)

CROWBOROUGH SAYS NO

-ing me, knowing you (a-ha)

We just have to face it this time we're through.

(Note: The banner includes a small Union Jack graphic and phone digits 01892 27... BROOKWEATH).

Final Thought

By Ron Peepers

What a tense week that was, with both the England squad and The Shielded Crows hanging on for dear life. Both ultimately benefited from a last-minute intervention: one from a couple of goals from Harry Kane and the other from solicitors willing to work pro bono. The real question, though, is whether both will still be around in the week to come.

Politics and football aside, Crowborough is gearing up for another exciting installment of Crowfest, which is not an infestation of corvids but a free festival that boasts live music, food, market stalls, performances, and many other events and is being held at the Goldsmiths Recreation Ground from 11th July at 1 pm to 9 pm.

As ever, the clock relentlessly ticks onwards, and we don't have the time to discuss whether the capybaras will be going on strike during the Brasil games, whether the glowing ball in the sky will once again punish us relentlessly, or if local schoolchildren will be allowed to attend school a little later to compensate for the next England game being shown at 1AM.

Next Issue: Saturday 11th July