Issue 21 Transcript / Published June 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

Issue 21 | JUN 2026

A satirical march through Crowborough

www.crowboroughcrusader.com

Welcome

Never melting in the extreme heat of professional journalism. Cool and calm: The Crowborough Crusader.

The Team:

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Escalate. Pressure. Repeat.

Campaign to Swerve Another Local Business Hailed a Success

By Ron Peepers

Some of Crowborough Says No and Crowborough Beware! are celebrating their latest pressure campaign, designed to encourage another local business to conform to their goals.

Not content with asserting themselves over a locally managed forest company, taxi cabs and coach companies, they have set their sights this time on a high street business.

As such, a local dentist has decided now to cease treating asylum seekers whilst at the same time stating that:

"Sadly, over recent months our team have experienced aggressive and passive abusive behaviour on multiple occasions, both in person and over the phone."

Perry Noid of Crowborough Beware!, comments:

"It's such a shame that a local company labels 'constructive criticism' as abusive behaviour."

Barry Cade of Some of Crowborough Says No adds:

"... Also, I find it unfair that they mentioned 'passive' abusive behaviour; nothing we do is passive."

The success of their joint efforts so far is leading to discussions on producing a booklet highlighting their recommendations of which traders should be used in town, which will go under the name: Mistrust-A-Trader, and should be in circulation sometime in the near future.

Crowborough: Part Troll

Item of historical and cultural significance found in Crowborough Country Park

By Ron Peepers

Crowborough: Part-Troll, in collaboration with troll expert Jørn Jannsson, have been exploring the Crowborough Country Park on the hunt for the Part-Troll for the past 4 weeks.

Their hypothesis being that the name Tollwood Road might have been corrupted over time, and deviated from the original title, Trollwood Road, and therefore the park nearby would be an ideal place to see the demi-beast in its natural habitat.

Though their results to find the half-creature currently remain fruitless, their search was not entirely in vain, as amongst the undergrowth, buried for years, they have discovered what they call: The Troll Stone, which is estimated to be from the time of the first mention of Crowborough in the middle of the 14th century.

Jannsson speculates:

"If our findings are indeed what we suspect them to be, then this totem is no doubt an item of considerable importance. It looks to be a relic which emanates a spiritual protection spell from a long-forgotten culture and may well be the reason Crowborough has remained a largely peaceful community for such a long time.

Note how it bears more than a likeness to the half-troll and may well be connected to his presence here in town. If this is true, then it appears that we might have judged him too harshly. Rather than a menace, he is more than likely a gentle guardian watching over the people of this town."

Further studies are to be undertaken by forensic scientists and local historians to find the truth behind this stone sentinel, and when more is known, Crowborough: Part Troll promises to pass on the information straight to The Crowborough Crusader.

Reverend Rentaghost speculates recent heatwave may be a message from God

By Ron Peepers

Reverend Rentaghost has worryingly predicted that the recent spate of hot weather may be a mild punishment sent to the parishioners from the almighty himself due to him showing football highlights in church last Sunday.

Whilst on the high street this week he heard various townsfolk expressing sentiments like "My god, it's hot!" and "Jesus Christ, it's like an oven out here", leading him to believe that something biblical was afoot.

As a precaution, Rev. Rentaghost has secluded himself away to immediately begin repenting and will now only be showing the football during weekday service.

The Shielded Crows lose credibility amongst peers after BBC interview shows leader in Spain

By Ron Peepers

The leader of The Shielded Crows was seen on a BBC political programme earlier this week. With her campaign hanging on for dear life and the predicted lifespan of the organisation deemed to be on the short side, it is hard to begrudge Paula Otherone one last media appearance.

However, her guest spot on the show proved controversial after the broadcast revealed that she was communicating to the hosts from Almería, in Spain.

Many of Crowborough's citizens have donated all they can to advance her legal challenge against the government's use of the army camp and will be staying closer to home this summer because of it. The less well-off who contributed will be working out how to pay their food and utility bills instead as Ms. Otherone enjoys the pool, the beach and the Spanish nightlife.

Paula Otherone explains:

"Sometimes when you have a problem, you need to take a step back and look at it from a different angle. The Shielded Crows are experiencing big financial problems right now, so I decided to take a really big step back... to Spain... to find a different approach. But to all of my supporters, let me reassure you that I am there, with you... not actually... but in spirit."

How patriotism differs in sports media compared to Crowborough

By Ella Cution

Throughout my years in the television biz, I have covered various different genres of television programming, including world-class sporting events that have been shared with spectators all around the globe. Wherever nations compete for trophies, medals, and honours, expressions of national pride naturally emerge in the form of patriotism.

Crowborough may be a little more advanced than most in its understanding of the word, but join me as I explore what it truly means to be patriotic through the lens of sports broadcasting.

Respect

Here in Crowborough we tend to use the word 'patriotism' to describe the love of our own country and also the act of showing prejudice to people who are not from our shores, who have different cultural backgrounds.

But, actually, in the realms of sports, patriotism means something quite different; it means being able to support your country whilst showing fair play and respect to other nations, whether you are on their side or not.

Unity

According to Some of Crowborough Says No, The Pink Ladles and Crowborough Beware!, being truly patriotic means declaring yourself a patriot whilst simultaneously insisting that anyone who disagrees is not.

Sports broadcasting tends to present patriotism rather differently: as something capable of bringing people together, where everyone is free to support their own country without questioning another person's right to do the same.

Parades and Pageantry

In Crowborough a parade seems to be a weekly occurrence which is either participated in or inflicted upon others.

The sports media see a parade as an entirely different entity altogether; it is considered an event which is attended out of celebration, with participants joyfully turning up to express national pride.

Now you know that while the word itself never changes, the meaning people attach to it often does. The next time you hear someone mention patriotism, you'll know it can mean rather more than one thing.

Letters to the Editor

"Doctors say that in the heat you've got to keep your fluids up. Precisely why I topped up the screenwash this morning."

— Otto Mobile

"If there is sunlight, why is there no sunheavy? Makes you think!"

— Maureen Soreen

"Over my garden fence, I saw my neighbour hanging out her jeans. She needs a bigger pair."

— Sharon Myopinions

PUZZLETIME!

Some of Crowborough Says No have taken photos of a non-white, non-British man sat on a bench, and another one lying on a bench.

STAR LETTER Award Rosette: "Cream cheese is neither."

On average, how much does this raise a Crowborough protester's blood pressure?

Notices

Sloven Water

A notice to all of our customers in the Crowborough area: we are aware that there has been a major pipe burst near Sybron Way cutting water supplies to the surrounding areas. We understand that this is not ideal in the middle of a heatwave, but rest assured, we will certainly look into fixing it in an appropriate amount of time.

Furthermore, some residents have suggested a temporary solution to cooling off, maybe to take a dip in a local lake or river or even to take a trip to the seaside. We have no problem with that. The Environment Agency, however, does.

The Shielded Crows

To all of our wonderful backers who have pre-purchased a copy of The Shielded Crows' memory book, know that you are raising money for a worthwhile cause, making sure our solicitors are handsomely paid to continue Crowborough's legal fight. We still haven't decided yet whether the book itself will be a lift-the-flap book, a pop-up book, or a choose-your-own-adventure book.

— Paula Otherone (Leader)

Bacon Academy

There has been some criticism directed at other schools in the area and us for closing during the heatwave this week, with a fair number of people stating that young people these days are wimps, citing that they remember the heatwave of 1976 and still had to attend school. Well... back in 1976:

Just because you survived it doesn't mean it was right.

Some of Crowborough Says No

The RSPCA has advised that, due to the heat, no dogs should be involved in the Sunday marches. We therefore ask supporters not to bring theirs along anymore, even though doing so may reduce our numbers by as much as 50%.

Our Streets

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town

By Raya Flight

A friend of mine that I bumped into for the first time since secondary school asked me what I did now, and once I told her, she asked the follow-up question of whether I had always wanted to be a journalist.

I told her that in primary school a reporter from the local newspaper had come to visit the class and explain how she collected, wrote, and shared stories from within the community, and after that I knew what I wanted to be.

Similarly, she remembered the police had come to her school, showed the children the handcuffs, allowed them to wear the hat, and had a chat about what was required to be an officer, and now she's a sergeant with Sussex Police and is absolutely loving it.

That got me thinking that positive role models early on in children's lives can really help shape the career that they want to pursue in the future.

— A little Raya Flight

I noticed that this week the children in year 1 of Ashdown School had an exciting visit from Crowborough Fire Station and had the opportunity to meet our local heroes who work hard to save lives within the community.

They had the opportunity to inspect the fire engine up close, look at the hoses and equipment that the firefighters use and were able to ask questions about what they do when it comes to putting out fires or rescuing people from trapped cars.

Their visit was cut a little short as they were called out to an emergency, but this only added to the admiration the pupils had for their visitors. I'm sure that for many, that day sparked a desire to join the fire service and help others when they grew up.

Having people from different job sectors visit schools is truly transformational for children, as it allows them to see themselves in roles they may never have considered before. A talk about what you do, showing pupils how you do your job or even taking time to answer their questions, is enough to have them dreaming about a career for their future selves.

Thank you, Crowborough Fire Station crew, for not only keeping us safe but also for inspiring our children.

Final Thought

By Ron Peepers

A week of intense heat brought with it its own problems, ranging from school closures to burst pipes and water supplies being cut off across parts of the town during what might be considered the most challenging week of the year so far.

However, with the discovery of the Troll Stone by the plucky members of Crowborough: Part-Troll, we now know that our town is blessed with a deep and mystical blanket of protection bestowed by the Ancient Ones and will therefore survive all that summer has to throw at us.

As our children reluctantly trudge back to school next week, they can at least take comfort in the knowledge that, in under a month, they shall be free again. I hope your homes and workplaces remain at a comfortable temperature and that you managed to sleep through those rather sticky nights that have just passed.

As always, there is never enough time to discuss how to access discounted days out for children, where the free cool spots are in Crowborough, or where the capybaras are located this week.

Next Issue: Saturday 4th July

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