Issue 20 Transcript / Published June 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

Issue 20 – June 2026


No Corner Left Unwatched, Says Crowborough Beware!

By Ron Peepers

Crowborough Beware!, not content with just watching children and plodding around the town with a sense of self-appointed purpose, are keen to begin phase two of their plan to dominate the streets of Crowborough.

Currently understaffed to meet the borough’s surveillance requirements, Crowborough Beware! has issued an urgent call for volunteers capable of observing and reporting all dangers, whether confirmed, suspected, or entirely speculative, to join their ranks.

Perry Noid, group leader, shares,

“A town not totally covered by our patrol units is a town that isn’t totally safe – and personally, a town not totally safe is the sort of thing that keeps me awake at night.

Increasing our numbers is the only way to achieve this.

I want an officer on every street creating a network spanning from Alderbrook to the Warren, I.D. checkpoints on Crowborough Hill and at the Cross and a dedicated Police Liaison Unit at our disposal.”

When asked about the cost for new uniforms, supplies, and training, Mr Noid informed us that the more we inform Crowborough citizens that they should be scared, then the more we’ll raise in donations so the costs cover themselves.

If you do think you are of the calibre to join this hyper-vigilant bunch; harbour a deep suspicion of people who do not look, sound or come from the same places as you; and possess the confidence to pass on information without first verifying it, then Crowborough Beware! would be delighted to hear from you.


Pink Ladles, Disappointed Not To Slay The Beast Spotted On Ashdown Forest

By Ron Peepers

Reports have been coming in this week from alarmed walkers of the Ashdown Forest that a bizarre beast has been spotted, with many retreating at haste in fear for their lives.

Local resident Anneka Panicker was walking her Jack Russell when she noticed – in her eyeline – that there was a large creature approaching her.

“Ooh, it were awful! Covered in pink and purple spikes, lurching toward us with malicious intent. I scooped up the dog and ran straight to the car.”

Willy Spottam also reported the disturbing sight whilst out trying to see the elusive honey buzzards.

“...green piercing eyes it had, that locked onto mine, and in a hypnotic-like trance it imparted its dark secrets of world domination to me before I managed to snap out of it and make my escape.”

Both contacted Crowborough’s mightiest group, The Pink Ladles (who are known for their brute strength), to help slay the ferocious beast.

Grabbing their pitchforks, torches, and clubs, the Pink Ladles bristled with anticipation, preparing for the fight of their lives but were crestfallen to discover that the beast was a puppet designed for events being held over the forest this year for the centenary celebration of A.A. Milne and Winnie the Pooh.

‘Poppet’ the puppet was the culprit of the chaos as it posed with its 10-person operating crew in the forest for publicity shots.

The puppet’s design was inspired by the ideas of school children to reflect certain aspects of the forest: the spikes representing the gorse and the snake eyes reminiscent of an adder.

Dejected by the false alarm, the Pink Ladles returned to their gym without the victory of battle.


Reverend Rentaghost To Show Highlights Of The World Cup During Sermons

By Ron Peepers

Declining in numbers over recent months, Reverend Rentaghost has noticed that his once strong flock has found other Sunday-related distractions that have hindered his congregation from attending.

In an attempt to bolster his flock, a large screen projector has been installed in the church to show highlights of football matches that many might have missed due to early morning kick-off times.

In addition, the hymns will be selected with sports in mind and shall include Abide with Me (regularly sung before the FA Cup Final), Jerusalem and When the Saints Go Marching In.


Sussex Day Celebrations Were A Perfect Example Of The Town Celebrating At Its Best

By Ron Peepers

Just when you thought you had seen enough flags for one year, Sussex Day arrived and provided a perfectly respectable reason to fly another.

Across the county, towns and villages raised the gold and blue of Sussex, and Crowborough was no exception. The sight of the county flag flying proudly above the High Street created a genuine sense of occasion and a welcome reminder of the place we all call home.

Whatever our individual political views, there was something refreshing about seeing people come together to celebrate a shared identity rooted not in Westminster or tribal politics but in the county itself.

The only criticism came from a handful of veteran lamppost decorators who have apparently become flag connoisseurs, negatively commenting on the quality of the material and the standard of the printing of this county’s emblem.

Fortunately, such concerns amounted to little more than background noise as the community turned out to enjoy a thoroughly pleasant day.

Children gladly ate ice creams and enjoyed a traditional Punch & Judy show; live music was played; classic cars were on display; and the Scouts were joined by local heroes, Crowborough Community First Responders, running a tombola.

Crowds of smiles and a proper use of Chapel Green, unifying people rather than dividing them.

Kidnapping In Crowborough – Where Have The Protesters Gone?

A Ken Decoupage Investigation

By Ken Decoupage

My reputation as an investigative journalist continues to grow, which leads to me being increasingly selected for sensitive, high-level assignments requiring discretion, diligence and a willingness to ask difficult questions. As such, I was recently on secondment to Makerfield, where Count Binface employed me to run background checks on all of his opponents in the recent election – I can’t tell you much, only that foul play was thwarted.

Whilst unpacking from the trip, three sharp knocks rapped on the door, followed by two presses of the doorbell – they knew the code – signalling to me it was one of my trusted previous clients.

Before I could open the door, the letterbox opened to reveal just a pair of lips. Female lips wearing red lipstick – the colour of danger. A breathless voice from the other side whispered:

“Can’t talk long. Too dangerous. Protest marchers are disappearing. Please help.”

The letterbox slammed shut. I flung the door open. No one was there, but pinned to the doorframe were 3 names – 3 victims that supposedly hadn’t been seen from the marches in weeks, all of them infamous within the borough:

Three familiar faces from the Sunday marches had vanished without explanation, and it fell to me to uncover their whereabouts for the good of the community.

I started with the first thing that I learnt as an undercover journalist – check the bins.

Every wheelie bin is a treasure trove of information, personal details, secrets, lies and most important of all truths.

I waited until the cover of darkness and visited each property, skulking through gardens and avoiding tripping the security lights, and managed to secure a bin bag from each abode.

Forensically laying the items out, I noticed that the contents of Paula’s bag were mainly comprised of empty Costa cardboard coffee cups.

Impressive. She knew that plastic-lined cups don’t go in the recycling.

Rubber-gloved and ready to delve through Barry Cade’s rubbish, it was full of maths homework. It seemed before his disappearance Barry had been improving his times tables, and it seemed like he was making some meaningful progress too.

Lastly, Beverley Quiteimportant's bin bag contained numerous cans of soup which boasted “now with extra protein”. Essential nutrition for keeping her muscles in peak condition.

But nothing tied the clues together.

Thursday rolled around. Friday next, with the inevitable Saturday following hotly afterward. Saturday turned into Sunday, and at 10am I received a call from a private number.

The breathless voice was back; she noted that none of them were present at the start of the march near the army camp and that she was becoming increasingly anxious as to their welfare.

I reassured her it would all be alright even though I was far from cracking the case. She hung up. And I decided to put the kettle on.

I removed the teabag from my cup and, lost in thought, stirred the milk into the brew. The tinkling of the stainless steel on porcelain broke my concentration.

Then in a flash all the pieces came together like a magnetic jigsaw.

Coffee cups... coffee.

Times tables... table.

Protein-infused soup... soup.

That was the link, spoons! Coffee spoon. Table spoon. Soup spoon. They were sending me a message.

They were obviously sending me a message telling me they were in the Wetherspoons at Crowborough Cross!

I made my way directly there and headed out the back to the beer garden and was relieved to see each one unscathed with a pint in front of them.

They clocked that I had seen them, sheepishly looking at each other, panicked, unsure what to say. Barry raised a finger to his lips, urging me to keep silent about seeing them.

I lowered my tone.

“Is someone keeping you here against your will?” I enquired.

Paula let out a laugh – people react to extreme situations in different ways. Barry winked and nodded slowly.

It was clear that the landlord had orchestrated their abduction and had some kind of hold over them, for what purpose I do not know.

They drank up quickly, draining their glasses, then headed indoors.

The phone rang once again, and I briefed my client on my findings. I made my way into the pub, still on the call, but the three abductees were nowhere to be seen.

I thought I had lost them, but I was quickly reassured by the client, informing me that she had sent a car to remove them from the danger and drop them off at the march starting point.

These three had been lucky; there had been somebody looking out for them, but how many marchers over the weeks had disappeared against their will to Wetherspoons?

The thought still gives me chills when I give it consideration.


Letters To The Editor

STAR LETTER

To honour Sussex Day and our proud smuggling heritage, I managed to smuggle two pallets of counterfeit tobacco into the country.

Traditions are important.

Ben Dinrools


Top Tip!

Give your fruit scones a summertime feel by replacing clotted cream with suncream.

Jim Membership


Are parsnips albino carrots?

Makes you think!

Maureen Soreen


I can’t get to the seaside so I go to Merry-Sons carpark and feed the seagulls there instead.

Sandy Dreams


Puzzletime!

Public urination is not acceptable. Crowborough Beware! have been circulating images of men caught in the act.

Can you match the penalty to the crime?

Offence

£90 On-The-Spot Fine

Prison Time / Being Added To The Sex Offenders Register


Notices

Some of Crowborough Says No

As some of you will be aware, we have had to spice up the marches in recent weeks to gain more press attention, including guest speakers and visitors sympathetic to our cause as well as incorporating new themes into our weekly walks, such as Ladies Day and memorials.

There will be no meeting this Sunday due to Father’s Day, but here is a view of the themes of the marches through to the end of July.

Sunday 28th June – Asylum seeker protest & NATIONAL INSURANCE AWARENESS DAY

Sunday 5th July – Asylum seeker protest & NATIONAL BIKINI DAY

Sunday 12th July – Asylum seeker protest & NATIONAL PAPER BAG DAY

Sunday 19th July – Asylum seeker protest & NATIONAL DAIQUIRI DAY

Sunday 26th July – Asylum seeker protest & NATIONAL BAGELFEST DAY


Reverend Rentaghost

Due to the recent hot weather, all summer baptisms will be conducted in the glory of nature down at the stream by the Water Splash at the bottom of Palesgate Lane.


Mosquitos

With the weather hotting up I bought some mosquito nets online the other day to help protect from those flying little blood-suckers. I did my research and bought one rated 5 stars by other buyers.

It’s a scam! I’ve been waving them around for hours, and I’ve only caught four of them.

Don’t waste your money.

Paris Heights


The Former Party, County Councillor Surgery

Following the England win on Wednesday night, a prominent member of the party, MP Sarah Pochin, commented:

“England won the football last night, and thank goodness they did, because on the occasions that England lose their football matches, the incidences of domestic violence go through the roof. So, boys, keep winning.”

Come and discuss the matter with the town’s two female councillors at their surgery on 27th June and find out why they and their party feel this is appropriate.

(Remember this party is endorsed by The Pink Ladles.)


Our Streets

Kane and Able!

A little Raya Flight

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.

One of the things that I love most about the sunny summer weather is that it inspires people to get together – whether it be for a white wine spritzer in a beer garden or perhaps an impromptu barbecue with family and friends.

For me, what really hits the spot is a decent summer fair. Bunting, stalls, the diesel engine (probably electric now) of the ice cream van and all of the fun games to take part in.

There is a sort of warm and cosy nostalgia attached to the idea of a fete. A community all rallying around – often raising funds for a good cause – all in the spirit of fun and relaxation.

I remember, long ago, my brother and I would take part in the ‘Slippery Pole’ contest where both of us would sit along a beam hitting each other with pillows until one of us hit the crash mat below – good times.

Well, today – at the time of publishing – is Saturday the 20th of June and just so happens to be the day that Jarvis Brook School opens its gates to the public for their very own summer fair.

There promises to be a bouncy castle, cakes and sweets, and a beat the goalie game.

If you think you have a strong throwing arm, then Tin Can Alley might be more your speed. An obstacle course for the sporty, a book stall for the studious and face painting for those that want to add a little creative flair to their features.

Oh, and if you needed any more convincing to lure you away from a pub garden, they also have a Pimms Tent.

Perfect!

Every penny raised from the event will go directly toward additional resources for both the school and nursery helping to improve the learning of every pupil.

I shall be there milling around all there is to see and will once again indulge in the warmth of taking part in not only a fantastic summer tradition but also supporting my old primary school in the process.

I look forward to seeing you there.

Jarvis Brook Summer Fair

11AM – 2PM
 20th June 2026

Photo of the week submitted by: Reverend Rentaghost


Final Thought

Ron Peepers

20 issues in and five months down the road, I would like to thank all of you who have taken to The Crowborough Crusader and supported this hyper-local publication since its launch.

As a result, there are a few developments taking place behind the scenes and some exciting additions planned for the weeks ahead. Naturally, readers will be the first to know when the time comes.

The week ahead looks set to be an absolute scorcher, and, with Father's Day upon us, I would like to wish all fathers and father figures a very happy Sunday. Whether they are with us today or remembered fondly, I hope the occasion brings good company, good memories and perhaps something sizzling on the barbecue.

With no march planned this weekend, perhaps the High Street will enjoy a brief period of recovery from all those who have left their Father's Day shopping until the very last minute.


Next Issue: Saturday 27th June

Crowborough: Part-Troll makes a mysterious discovery in Crowborough Country Park, down Tollwood Road.

Ella Cution explains what real patriotism means in the world of the media coverage of sports.

Plus more from: