Issue 02 Transcript Edition / First published 14 February 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes
The Crowborough Crusader
Issue 02 — February 2026
A satirical march through Crowborough
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© 2026 The Crowborough Crusader
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Welcome
Back for more hard truths and no-nonsense reportage? Of course you are. The second edition of The Crowborough Crusader has arrived.
As ever, we continue batting away lies, confusion, and nuance — like moths drawn dangerously close to the warm glow of certainty.
The Team
Ron Peepers – Editor and Journalist
Illustration: A cartoon depiction of Ron Peepers wearing glasses and holding a sign labelled “Editor”.
Moz – Cartoonist
Illustration: A cartoon of Moz hunched over a drawing board labelled “Cartoonist”.
The Shielded Crows Fundraising Drive Expected to Deliver £120,000 to Struggling Solicitors
By Ron Peepers
Just when you think the world has finally run out of decency and goodwill, and your faith in humanity is hanging by a thread, along comes a band of altruistic Samaritans who completely restore it.
Crowborough is fortunate to count the Shielded Crows amongst its number — the true beating heart of our community. Their generosity knows no bounds as they continue their noble mission to assist one of society’s most overlooked and vulnerable groups: solicitors.
Many people are unaware that the average solicitor earns only between £150 and £300 per hour, plus VAT. Frankly, it is astonishing that they have managed to survive independently for so long.
Too often, these white-wigged custodians of justice are hidden from public view, tucked away in offices or courtrooms, quietly toiling out of sight and, tragically, out of mind.
Thankfully, the Shielded Crows have recognised this injustice and devised an elegant solution.
They observed that ordinary, proud Crowborians such as you and I are burdened with far too much disposable income. Possessing so much money, they reasoned, is not only unnecessary but emotionally taxing. The obvious remedy, therefore, is to redistribute this excess wealth directly to legal teams — teams which, as I have recently learned, may also extend to employing judges.
Such is the Shielded Crows’ generosity that they ask for absolutely nothing in return — and deliver precisely that.
A true win-win for all concerned. Shielded Crows, we are proud to have you.
Illustration: Two uniformed men wearing shields decorated with crow emblems shake hands with smiling townspeople while handing over bags of money marked with the pound sign. Several solicitors in wigs reach eagerly for the funds.
Caption: “Robbin’ the Hood? Not these Shielded Crows.”
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‘Welcome to Crowborough’ Sign to Be Updated With Full Terms and Conditions
By Ron Peepers
Finally, after weeks of tireless campaigning, the ‘Welcome to Crowborough’ sign is set for a long-overdue revamp — one that more accurately reflects the views of the town’s good citizens.
The council has reluctantly buckled under pressure, agreeing to overhaul the sign so that it now includes a clear set of terms and conditions outlining precisely who is — and more importantly, who is not — welcome within the boundaries of the borough.
Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger issued a brief statement following the decision:
“It’s quite disappointing that Crowborough can’t be welcoming to every member of society,” he said. “But I suppose it’s time to ditch the rose-tinted spectacles and modernise with the times.”
The MP for Sussex, Lou Smoralls, was equally enthusiastic about the proposal.
“I was fully on board with this idea as soon as I realised how many voters I’d be able to scoop up,” Smoralls said. “For Crowborough to be expressing its voice — and especially for me — this represents a great opportunity.”
Even though the cost of refashioning the signs is quite considerable, the people of Crowborough are more than tolerant of having vast funds spent on protecting their town from undesirables.
Work is estimated to be completed once the community rallies around and agree on the correct distance somebody has to live away from the town to be deemed foreign and therefore disqualifying them from entry.
Initial reports suggest that more conservative members of the public are asking for anything further away than Uckfield to be considered foreign but as many point out this would seriously dent groups from as far as Portsmouth joining the Sunday Marches.
A compromise may be on the cards where visas may be issued to believers of the cause from other towns.
Illustration: Two clenched fists facing forward with the tattooed message “ID-P PLEASE.”
Exciting competition time in association with Raising the Coloured Crayons
By Ron Peepers
Raising the Coloured Crayons — the group dedicated to getting Britain colouring again — has, in association with The Crowborough Crusader, created a competition allowing budding artists the opportunity to flex their crayon skills.
Recent weeks have seen certain groups insist that the England flag and the Union Flag (Union Jack only when at sea — fact) “belong to everyone”, are “symbols of unity”, and should not be “weaponised”.
While these discussions continue, we feel the best way forward is creativity. To that end, we invite you to design a flag that truly encapsulates our shared values, avoids unnecessary misunderstandings, and minimises the likelihood of formal complaints.
Don’t be put off if you’re yet to master colouring within the lines. All we ask is that you show your flair and style in encapsulating our particular understanding of acceptance.
Age categories will be as follows:
Jingoistic Juniors (5–14 years old)
Prime Patriots (15–35 years old)
Mature Marchers (35+ years old)
All winners will receive a jumbo box of Raising the Coloured Crayons crayons, a certificate, a badge and will have their name permanently tattooed onto the founder’s chest.
So put wax to paper and show us what you’ve got, Crowborough!
• See page 5 for details!
Illustration: A muscular man bursting from a giant box of crayons labelled “Raising the Coloured Crayons.”
Small caption on box: “Unlikely to contain Black and Brown.”
Letters to the Editor
Letter
Sorry everyone…
I’ve been a complete prawn and found myself chanting “Accommodation!” and “No deportation!”…tsk… What am I like!
Simon Fiddlesticks
Letter
An anagram of:
UNITED KINGDOM is
DIM KIND TONGUE.
It makes you think!
Maureen Soreen
Letter
I’m so proud of our country that whenever I see a sign with the word “EXIT” on it I write “BR” in front with a permanent marker.
Take that, Brussels!
Gillian Givemestrength
Star Letter
“This haiku is a poem about making a wonderful haiku.”
Cynthia Timewaster
Puzzle Time – Cross Words
Do you know all of these words that are bound to make true supporters of the cause cross? Give yourself a point for each one you clenched your fist at.
EMPTHY
ACCEPTANCE
TOLERATE
ASYLUM
HUMAN RIGHTS
KINDNESS
OTHERS
CIVILITY
MULTICULTURAL
COMPASSION
Illustration: A smiling woman beside a word puzzle titled “CROSS WORDS.”
Notices
Some of Crowborough Says No
A reminder to all of our members that Crowborough has a diverse community and many people who work here have done so via the correct legal routes, completed all the paperwork, paid thousands of pounds for the privilege, and now have the decency to contribute quietly to the tax system.
The bad ones, of course, are those who arrived with nothing, fled their country in a hurry, and failed to present a neat folder of documents upon arrival. These are the ones you should concern yourselves with.
Please ensure your disdain is directed correctly. If necessary, feel free to demand identification papers using the authority bestowed upon you simply by being born within a respectable radius of the high street.
If you suspect someone of being one of “the bad ones”, report them to Some of Crowborough Says No, where they will be processed with the seriousness the situation deserves.
Thank you for your vigilance.
Illustration: A spoon tied with a ribbon.
The Pink Ladels
I wish to inform the people of Crowborough that I have formally demanded, on behalf of all of us Pink Ladels, an immediate safeguarding review and full risk assessment regarding the danger currently faced by our most vulnerable residents.
This concern relates to the presence of over 500 men who, while not visibly doing anything wrong, have nevertheless been observed keeping themselves to themselves, which we all know can be a warning sign.
In the interests of thoroughness, I have contacted the Police, local schools, elderly care homes, animal shelters, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, and — after exhausting all other avenues — a licensed medium to contact the deceased.
Every single one of them responded with the same deeply unsatisfactory replies, citing a lack of “authority”, “evidence”, or “any identifiable wrongdoing beyond speculation.”
This is particularly frustrating given the considerable time, effort, and personal expense involved.
Do these people have any idea how much I spent on stamps?
— Beverley Quiteimportant
Final Thought
Ron Peepers
Well, that’s just about all the time we have for the second issue of The Crowborough Crusader.
As always, there are so many worthy causes worth mentioning, however we needed to align our priorities in accordance with the sensitivities of our readers. Maybe they’ll make the cut next time.
But for now, here is the colouring template.
Illustration: A large blank flag on a flagpole intended for readers to colour in.
Instructions:
Upload your entries to:
thecrowboroughcrusader@proton.me
Along with your: name, age, shoe size, a copy of your birth certificate and documents which prove that you are legally allowed to live and work in the UK.
Best of luck.
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