Issue 18 Transcript / Published June 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough
 June 2026 – Issue 18
 www.crowboroughcrusader.com


Welcome

Experts have confirmed that June is now underway and that, due to the presence of sunshine, Crowborough is expected to become noticeably more summery.

Always in full, never in summary: The Crowborough Crusader

By Ron Peepers


East Sussex County Council – New deal, but a few red flags.

By Ron Peepers

For 6 months there has been a stalemate between local authorities and protestors with regards to the flying of flags around the town. No sooner than they have been put up, a cherry-picker comes and removes them.

East Sussex County Council has come to an understanding with the banner-raisers, recently announcing that they will no longer be spending any public funds on the removal of flags from county-owned property unless it poses serious and immediate danger to road users or the general public.

It would be reasonable to assume that Raising the Coloured Crayons (the organisation behind encouraging more people to enjoy colouring-in books and raising flags in prohibited public places) should be rejoicing over an agreement; however, their smiles turned a little more solemn when they met with ESCC to discuss the finer details of the deal.

Jeremy Fishfinger of Crowborough Town Council attended the meeting and stated,

“The flags can stay, but those that put them up now have to assume the responsibility for them. As long as that’s followed, we’re all tickety-boo.”

The rules outlined by the College of Arms (Official Crown Body) state the flag must be flown:

Raising the Coloured Crayons will be auditing which flags need flipping upside down; checking whether the lampposts they’re attached to are working so that they are lit up at night; and arranging for those stuck on trees or telegraph poles to have a garden solar light gaffer-taped underneath, thus providing the illumination and dignity necessary to befit a national symbol.

Raya Flight – Junior Reporter

Introducing: Ella Cution – Media & PR


A quarter of a million is not too much to ask for, reason The Shielded Crows

By Ron Peepers

The Shielded Crows recently divulged that they are going to need at least another £130,000 to pay their solicitors in reattempting to fight their case against the temporary housing of asylum seekers at Crowborough Camp, and as such, their stretch goal for donations has been extended to £270,000.

Paula Otherone (leader) candidly reported that raising the amount is not a guarantee of a successful win, nor can she state that success in the High Court is likely.

She explained that:

“It’s only just over a quarter of a million pounds, a minuscule amount – merely the price of an average UK home – and Crowborough will not only stump up the cash but will thank us when we take it.”

When asked whether this would be the final amount that The Shielded Crows would be asking for, Paula remained pensive for a moment with a thoughtful finger on her lips before offering this useful analogy.

“The way I see it is we’re at a funfair trying to win a prize by knocking the cans down with a beanbag.

Are we likely to succeed? No.

Are we going to pester our parents for more money to have another go? Of course, we’re not fools.

We’ll only stop when we’re clutching the giant stuffed bear or when we’re not allowed any more money for games.”


The capybaras are finally on their way to Crowborough – Cllr Jeremy Fishfinger confirms

By Ron Peepers

Readers of The Crowborough Crusader will know that back in April we reported that capybaras were to be imported from Brazil to munch on the borough’s grass verges to save costs on having them mown by maintenance workers.

However, the deal fell through as the capybaras believed that some of the people of Crowborough were quite outspoken and prejudicial about immigrants arriving from overseas, so they thought it best not to risk it; however, Cllr Jeremy Fishfinger has convinced them otherwise.

“I reassured the capybaras that there is only ill will to human beings coming from abroad – not rodents. As a result, an agreement has been reached, visas arranged, and they should be landing at Gatwick within the week.”


The Pink Ladles of Kent introduce The Pint-Sized Patriot, their mascot at the Marches.

By Ron Peepers

The Pink Ladles, in an attempt to soften their image, have been promoting the youngest member of their ranks to join the Sunday marches, dubbing him The Pint-Sized Patriot.

Dressed in a tweed outfit and topped off with a tweed cap, there is no doubt that this dandy lad looks nothing short of dapper; however, the decision to appoint a young boy as mascot for an organisation whose slogan frequently references putting women and children first has raised a few eyebrows.

Critics have expressed that The Pint-Sized Patriot is not old enough to express political opinions beyond those of his parents; however, The Pink Ladles maintain that he holds strong views on immigration, border security and constitutional matters despite still requiring assistance tying his shoelaces.

The youngster can often be seen carrying a flag bearing both his name and likeness upon a Union Flag backdrop.

Supporters describe him as “adorable”, whilst others have questioned whether becoming a branded political mascot should perhaps wait until after learning long division.

Gisele Skullcracker stated forcefully,

“Nobody is being exploited here. The family signed a contract for his likeness to be used on our merchandise until he grows out of ‘the cute stage’ and has been fairly compensated by our organisation.”


3 top tips on how to look your best on television.

By Ella Cution

In the last 6 months the media interest in the small town of Crowborough has grown quickly, and as such, the chance you might appear on television is significantly higher.

News networks like the BBC, South East Today and Grate on Britain News have been interviewing a broad spectrum of people from the right to the far right.

I’ve been working in the media industry for a good few years now, and I know how easy it is to look a dafty on the gogglebox, but follow my advice and you’ll be looking smooth, sharp, and everything will be just peachy.

Don’t

Drink your lager live on television.

Do

Stay hydrated but keep that beer can out of shot.

Don’t

Dress like a superhero. It’s not primary school. It’s not World Book Day.

Do

Dress appropriately, and then people will hear what you have to say.

Don’t

Behave as though you’ve spent all afternoon in the pub “getting plastered”.

Do

Listen, articulate yourself clearly, and act with decorum.


Letters to the Editor

STAR LETTER

I like to think that the sound of thunder is really the angels moving heavy furniture around, but then again, I was always a little dim.

Eileen Intothewind


Top Tip!

Time travel to the future by simply waiting until the time you want it to be.

Jim Membership


If you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, why don’t spiders live in a beehive?

Makes you think!

Maureen Soreen


Took driving lessons in an automatic.

Automatic, my foot!

I still had to do everything.

Kara Larm


PUZZLETIME!

The photos of Crowborough Beware! are always taken from behind to hide their faces.

So who is the biggest stalker?

Crowborough Beware! following children and asylum seekers?

or

their photographer following them?


Notices

Note to Agriculture & Country Show Organisers

I just saw someone putting up a sign advertising the local Agriculture & Country Show, with the banner saying that the date for the event is “last weekend in June”.

Well, what’s the blooming point of putting the banner up if it was for last weekend?


Crowborough Archaeology Club

A message to the group of enthusiastic teenage diggers that we spoke to this week: we hate to be the bearers of bad news, but we have analysed the results of your latest excavation, the partial skull that you submitted, and have concluded unanimously that:

It cannot be the skull of Sherlock Holmes because he was a fictional character.

The fact that it was found next to a pipe does not authenticate your artefact – he smoked a pipe in the books; this was a burst water pipe.

Lastly, please stop digging in the cemetery.


Merry-Sons Supermarkets

Congratulations to Jeremy Fishfinger and Town Clerk No. 4 on their spectacular victory in the first annual Crowborough Downhill Trolley Derby!

We can confirm that all supermarket trolley handles have now been engraved with their names and that their first free big shop (out of four) has been completed, consisting of meal deals all round for Crowborough Town Council and a Wilbur the Woodlouse cake (a local delicacy) in celebration.

We do pass on our condolences to Lou Smorrals, who came second, and we do hope that she has finished pouting.


Some of Crowborough Says No

A major thank you to everyone that donated £1000 toward the mechanic’s fee to repair the Some Crowborough Says No van; without your contributions, we would have had no option other than to euthanise her.

Thank you for giving her a new lease of life.


The Shielded Crows

I can’t believe this, Crowborough! You had a spare grand sitting around doing nothing, and you gave it away fixing up that lumbering grey elephant!

We need £40,000 by Wednesday, or the case might be off. Well, I hope you’re proud of yourselves.

Paula Otherone (Leader)


Our Streets

Stand and deliver, your money or your debit card details!

Photo of the week submitted by: Paula Otherone


A little Raya Flight

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.

By Raya Flight

I was asked quite the curious question by my neighbour the other day. After the regular small talk about the bins and the weather, she asked me an odd question from out of nowhere, asking “whether I enjoy singing”.

I paused and thought, well, I do enjoy putting the Bluetooth speaker on whilst I’m in the shower and singing along to my favourite playlist in the morning, as it puts me in a great mood for the rest of the day.

Also, on the way to and from work, I treat my car like a mobile karaoke booth, singing along to the radio.

Thank goodness that nobody can hear me do either because I’m pretty sure I’m far from pitch-perfect.

I replied to her that I did and that I hadn’t really considered – until now – how big a part music plays in my life and how much joy I get from it.

She then confided in me that she feels the same way and is constantly singing, and that’s why she is a member of the Singing For Fun, Crowborough Ladies’ Choir.

She mentioned that the group meets every Monday from 7.30pm to 9.00pm in the United Church (but you can come half an hour earlier if you fancy a natter).

She tells me you don’t have to be a spectacularly gifted singer; the aim of the group is to have fun, build confidence and learn some new musical skills.

Each year they aim to put on 2 concerts, the proceeds of which are distributed to local good causes.

She gave me a flyer and asked me to come along to their summer concert on Monday, the 6th of July, where they’ll be raising money for The Good People Company.

I told her I’d be there to see the show, but I was unconvinced they’d want my voice in their lineup. She replied,

“We accept all abilities, and anyway, you’re not half bad; I can hear you every morning.”

How embarrassing! – She’d heard me all along.

But it’s good to know that within our little borough there are opportunities to meet and share the love of music together. To socialise and to raise money for charity too.

So raise your voice and sing the praises of the Singing For Fun, Crowborough Ladies’ Choir.


Final Thought

Ron Peepers

Summer is now upon us, and no sooner have we set a dainty foot within the season than we are bombarded with meteorological information on how El Niño will fry us all to a crisp within a few weeks' time.

With climate change on the rise, it seems as though the country’s newsprint has been dominated by questions of whether the UK needs to adopt a more robust approach to the heat by incorporating more AC units into our homes and buildings.

The scientists may well be right. However, the British public has spent generations developing their own methods of coping with warm weather: opening windows, applying knotted handkerchiefs to the head, dipping our feet in the children’s paddling pool and repeatedly informing one another that “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”.

As ever, there has been far more happening in the borough than we have had room to cover. Unfortunately, this means we must leave unanswered such pressing questions as:

Next Issue: Saturday 13th June

Plus more from: Raya Flight, Town Notices, Our Streets: photo of the week and Puzzletime!