Issue 17 Transcript / Published May 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes

The Crowborough Crusader

A satirical march through Crowborough
 MAY 2026 – Issue 17
 www.crowboroughcrusader.com


Welcome

Embracing June, summer, and the warm glow of sunburn.

Keeping you covered like SPF 50 sunscreen: The Crowborough Crusader

By Ron Peepers


Crowborough Beware! watching your children this half term.

By Ron Peepers

Due to the perceived increase in danger to Crowborough over the last six months, Crowborough Beware! have taken it upon themselves to assist with public reassurance during the half-term break.

Although not formally affiliated with schools, the council, or any recognised safeguarding body, members of the volunteer patrol group have confirmed they will be conducting visible reassurance patrols near parks, playgrounds and recreation grounds across the borough.

As the organisation does not publicly disclose the identities of its members, it has not been possible to independently verify the background checks they state have been completed.

However, representatives stressed that all volunteers wear blue caps and look the part, which is as reassuring as having their credentials verified.

Residents are therefore encouraged not to be alarmed should they notice unfamiliar adults carefully observing activity near public play areas this week.

Perry Noid, leader of Crowborough Beware!, states:

"For clarity with interactions with the public and so our new members catch up quickly to align with our mindset, we have changed our motto to 'We say so.'

For example,

'Who says we're safe around your children?' – We say so.

'Who says Crowborough needs to be kept saved by us?' – We say so.

'Who says that you're all in terrible, terrible danger?' – We say so.

We've found it to be the most effective of our strategies implemented so far."

Raya Flight – Junior Reporter


The First Annual Crowborough Downhill Trolley Derby

Sponsored by Merry-Sons Supermarkets

By Ron Peepers

Welcome to the first annual Crowborough Downhill Trolley Derby, courtesy of Merry-Sons Supermarkets.

Up for grabs is the prestigious engraving of the winners on the handles of all Crowborough store trolleys, a free "big shop" for a month and, of course, the glory and respect that come from being champion.

The sun is high, and with the time now rapidly approaching 2PM, all racers are lining up behind the start, outside of the Crowborough police station, at the very top of the Crowborough Hill course.

A quick reminder of all the wacky racers ahead of today's event:

All crews have taken to their carts except Perry Noid and Dan Nile who seem somewhat distracted by the presence of real law enforcement being present.

Finally scrambling to their trolley as the race is ready to begin.

Ready with the flag – as he had plenty still in the boot of his car from last night's blitz of the lampposts on Chapel Green – is Callum Tanktop from Raising the Coloured Crayons.

Eyes narrowed.

Emotions steeled.

The tension is palpable.

The flag drops.

And they're off!

All but one of the competitors make a clean getaway, leaving clouds of dust in their wake, leading to Lou Smorrals coughing and snapping out of her preening routine as she enters the race lagging behind.

With the racers approaching the first obstacle, the Millbrook Mudslide, out in front is the Titanic Panic, with Vicki Bollard furiously dragging her knuckles on the tarmac, pulling the cart forward, with Bruis'n Susan bellowing "Women and Children First" out of the megaphone for added propulsion.

Hotly followed by The Ghost Hunter and Hymn & Hearse.

Daunted by the expertise that the ghost of James Hunt brings to the team, Reverend Rentaghost, in a sneaky manoeuvre, sidles up to the rival cart and performs an exorcism, banishing the deceased driver back to the spirit realm.

Leaving Luigi without a driver has led him to become the first casualty of the race as the cart spins in the slick mud, careering off course.

Taking advantage of their spiked wheels, the Triple H assumes third place behind the Hymn & Hearse, tailed by The Fishfinger-Zinger and The Handout Standout. Now You See Me, frantically picking up the pace to make up for lost time.

Seven racers remain as they zoom down towards the Wrong-Way Roundabout situated near The White Hart Pub.

Titanic Panic makes it cleanly through with Vicki Bollard pounding the ground, sending the trolley airborne, leaping over the obstacle entirely.

Pursued not only by other racers but also by the guilt of sabotaging Luigi Board, The Hymn & Hearse detours from the race entirely as Reverend Rentaghost turns right at the roundabout heading towards All Saints Church to pray for forgiveness.

Triple H is now in second. The Fishfinger-Zinger, The Handout Standout, and Now You See Me are moving up the ranks, with Watch You Doin'? lagging behind.

All of them caressing the curves of the roundabout hump as they zip onwards toward obstacle three, Beeches Brook – a ramp and a sheer drop over a deep, water-filled pothole at the junction of Crowborough Hill and Beeches Road.

Beginning to flag from such a stupendous start, Triple H takes the lead, forcing a puffed-out Titanic Panic into second.

Triple H completes the jump with ease, as does Titanic Panic. As does The Fishfinger-Zinger.

However, The Handout Standout, which has been laden along the route with coins being tossed into their donation buckets, is looking too heavy to soar across the pothole.

Waddling on its wheels, clearing the ramp, but only travelling vertically downward, The Handout Standout has left the race.

Realising the proximity of the obstacle to the secondary school activates the protective instincts of Watch You Doin'? who turn on their sirens – zipping through the racers to second place behind Triple H, forcing Titanic Panic into third.

The penultimate obstacle now awaits all the racers – Tollwood Tornado – industrial-strength fans set on full blast to blow the trolleys off balance and far away from victory.

Out in the lead is Triple H, whose spiked wheels gain traction as they feel the first gusts; however, they have turned into another road.

Mistranslated by Jørn Jannsson as Troll Wood Road, Triple H abandons the race in hot pursuit of their nemesis, the Part-Troll.

Titanic Panic regains the lead.

But Watch You Doin'? is nowhere to be seen; it seems they have been pulled into the orbit of Bacon Academy and are doing patrols around it instead. Purely driven by instinct, as no one is there on this bank holiday Monday.

The Fishfinger-Zinger is in second, with Now You See Me trundling in last place.

The final obstacle looms ominously in front: the Jarvis Brook Bottleneck.

An excavator from Jarvis Brook Plant Hire enters the road; Vicki Bollard passes narrowly under the scoop.

However, facing the other way and standing upright, Bruis'n Susan takes the full brunt of the shunt, landing her dazed and confused in the Sainsbury's car park.

The Fishfinger-Zinger is now out in front, but spurred on by the thought of cameras and accolades, Lou Smorrals tosses all of her glossy 8" x 10" photos into the air, lightening the cart and gaining speed.

Both The Fishfinger-Zinger and Now You See Me enter the darkness of the railway bridge neck and neck.

Who will take the pride, the glory, the honour?

Well, you'll just have to check out the Photo of the Week, race fans.

The Pink Ladles receive criticism for their handling of a community barbecue.

By Ron Peepers

Due to the bank holiday on Monday and the potency of the sun, many garage forecourts sold out of their entire stock of disposable barbecues early.

Shocked that residents might be missing out on their protein, The Pink Ladles, in an act of community spirit, held a makeshift meat feast of their own in the car park behind their gym, completely free and open to all.

However, criticism of the event came quickly from exasperated menfolk who had to repeatedly head to the back of the line on numerous occasions.

Sharon Krunk, Manager of the Queue and Destroyer of Worlds, disclosed:

"Our motto is clear: women and children first. It doesn't matter if a man reaches the front of the queue. As soon as a woman or a child joins, he gets sent to the back.

They have to know their place."

The jaded men circled together in the disabled bay and, instead of moping over missed meat, decided to form a large group order from the Chinese takeaway on the high street.


Mystery Solved – Why have food recycling bins gone missing across Crowborough?

By Ron Peepers

A relative newcomer to the world of recycling is the grey, orange-lidded receptacle used for disposing of leftover food scraps for recycling.

Sturdy and supposedly critter-proof, these bins have lined the streets of Crowborough for a fair few weeks and have generally been considered a success, with only a relatively few teething problems regarding collection.

That is until a few residents on Green Lane noticed their bins had disappeared.

Replaced rapidly by the council and then equally vanishing as fast, the street were baffled as to just where and why they were being pilfered, until a keen-eyed dog walker found a pile of the empty food waste containers discarded in a glade of the Silver Jubilee Recreation Park.

Crouched down and waiting in the grass for the culprit to show was local naturalist Russel Themleaves.

"It wasn't long before they showed their faces, shortly before dusk. I thought at first it was going to be teenagers having a lark, but what I saw was quite shocking – foxes!

It turns out that not only were the bins not animal-proof, but in fact we've made it easier for them to take away their meal in a plastic picnic basket."

Mr Themleaves believes that this discovery is huge in redefining the order of intelligence in mammals, as he believes that the common fox, Vulpes vulpes, has proven to be brighter than originally thought.

Recalling a hazy memory of once seeing a bear on television which swiped picnic baskets, declaring himself to be smarter than the average bear, puts the fox somewhere squarely between him and a more average-brained grizzly.


Letters to the Editor

STAR LETTER

Bill Stoopay

The Beatles had a ticket to ride.

I had a ticket for parking on double yellows.

They'll ticket anything nowadays.


Top Tip!

Jim Membership

Unshell some hard boilers and leave them to soak in Glenfiddich single malt whisky.

Save a fortune on shop-bought scotch eggs.


Maureen Soreen

You never see unfreshly squeezed orange juice advertised, do you?

Makes you think!


STAR LETTER

Walter Shortage

Worried about a potential hosepipe ban this summer?

I've got loads of 'em.

Tenner each.

No time wasters.


Puzzletime!

The Shielded Crows are rumoured to be joining the crowd on Sunday to plead for more donations.

Help Paula Otherone decide which song best represents the organisation's core values.


Notices

The Former Party

Join us this Friday at the community centre, where local representatives will attempt to explain to supporters that asylum seekers can still cross the Channel by boat despite the South East water shortage.

The shortage is not at sea.


Missing

I'm such a klutz – I was out in town earlier today and must have dropped my shopping list somewhere; I'm lost without it.

You'll know if you found mine because it reads:

Shopping List

Please be on the lookout, as I can't start my shopping without it.

Crowborough Beware!


Crowborough Beware!

Our volunteers recently cleared away a significant amount of litter from the MOD land by Crowborough camp.

This was in no way a ploy justifying staying next to the site for extended amounts of time in the hope that we saw an immigrant doing something "immigranty" that needed to be reported instantly.

Unfortunately, our observers only picked up cans and not clues.

But don't you worry, we'll get them next time.

On a side note, if the people of Crowborough could refrain from calling us Wombles, that would be appreciated, as it undermines the professionalism of Operation: Bin Watchin' You.


Sloven Water

In order to fill the Beeches Brook obstacle in the derby, we had to spring a leak on Crowborough Hill; as such, the water to some/many/all of the nearby properties may be compromised.

We figure that by now you've got used to the sun-warmed, plastic taste of bottled water, and the good news is we have plenty to go round.

Our Streets

Trolleys, Tribulations, and Triumph

Photo of the Week submitted by: Victor E. Lapp

After a thrilling afternoon of crashes, collisions, sabotage, exorcisms, misplaced vigilance and airborne trolley-based engineering, the first annual Crowborough Downhill Trolley Derby has finally produced a winner.

The photo captures the moment of victory, with the triumphant competitors celebrating atop the winner's podium whilst their less fortunate rivals reflect upon what might have been.

Whether through skill, determination, luck or a combination of all three, history has now been made.

Future generations of Crowborough residents will no doubt look back upon this moment and ask where they were when trolley racing first entered the borough's sporting calendar.


A Little Raya Flight

Big-hearted stories from the heart of our small town.

By Raya Flight

A couple of weeks or so ago now my niece came over for a sleepover, and I thought it would be fun to spend the evening with a big bowl of popcorn showing her some of the movies I used to love, so we had just finished our back-to-back watching of 10 Things I Hate About You and then the marvellous Clueless (I love that movie) when she rubs her bleary eyes and heads up to bed.

Just as I'm about to say goodnight, she turns to me and says,

"Aunty Raya, Daddy said that you are the creative one in our family, and I should ask you to help me make a shoebox model of a plant cell... for my science homework... for Monday... pretty please."

Way to put me on the spot, big brother!

My car was in the garage, so I couldn't get far, and I was all out of art supplies, but I knew of a place which could help out.

The Artytime Scrapstore down in Jarvis Brook – the perfect solution to all pre-planned and last-minute craft emergencies.

After a short walk we were greeted by a couple of fantastic volunteers who were eager to furnish us with all sorts of bits and pieces.

It was an Aladdin's cave of coloured papers, materials, ribbons, cardboard, pom-poms and all the thingamyjigs that would make a crafter's heart sing.

I could see by the way my niece's eyes lit up with all the possibilities that the sensible thing to do was to get a year's membership for a very reasonable £30. I confess I could have frittered away more than that on one occasion in a hobby store if I didn't have the good sense to rein myself in.

I can't recommend this place enough.

Also, they told me that since the place opened, they have saved over 18,000 kilos of useful materials going to landfill – which my niece informs me is the weight of two T-Rexes.

The model was made, and I gained a few brownie points in the process by sharing this sequinned little shack with someone very special to me, and now I've shared it with you too.

What will you make after your first visit, I wonder?

Almost forgot to mention, they take donations of art materials too, so think of them before you consider the bin.


Final Thought

Ron Peepers

It has been an absolute scorcher of a week filled with the chimes of ice-cream vans circling the block, the sizzle of bank holiday barbecues and mowers all droning in unison, like a swarm.

I hope that your level of tan is sensible, that you have sunscreen, and a long cool drink to help you make the most of the heat. Summer is knocking on the door, and I have the feeling this year it is going to be a long one.

However, if you prefer the shade, as I do, I trust that you are under the icy gaze of a fan and are following it with your face as it oscillates in front of you.

With all of the exciting goings-on in the town this week, we have hardly enough time to mention the tarmac on many roads has reached a temperature akin to that of lava; the locations of Sloven Water's bottle drop-off points, which change daily; and just who will be clearing up all of the signed, glossy photos Lou Smorrals dropped during the finale of the race.


Next Issue: Saturday 6th June

Flushed with success from the Downhill Derby, can Councillor Fishfinger finally convince the capybaras to come to Crowborough?

PR Coach Offers Media Training to Improve GB News Performance of Local Groups

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