Issue 1 Transcript / Published 10 February 2026 / Approx reading time: 7 minutes
The Crowborough Crusader
Issue 01 — February 2026
A satirical march through Crowborough
www.crowboroughcrusader.com
© 2026 The Crowborough Crusader
This publication may be shared in full and unaltered form only.
Not affiliated with any political organisation, campaign or group.
Welcome
To all of you proud pavement pounders who have their finger on the pulse of the body that is Crowborough I offer you a warm welcome and slightly clammy, but extremely firm handshake and welcome you to the first edition to The Crowborough Crusader.
“The chronicle dedicated to keeping those in the know, in the know.”
The Team
Ron Peepers – Editor and Journalist
Illustration: A cartoon depiction of Ron Peepers wearing glasses and holding a sign labelled “Editor”.
Moz – Cartoonist
Illustration: A cartoon of Moz hunched over a drawing board labelled “Cartoonist”.
Crowborough brings in 500 unvetted men for marches to protest temporary housing for 500 unvetted men
By Ron Peepers
As any sensible-thinking Crowbarian knows, the issue of immigration is one that is hotter than a dragon’s morning breath and, some say, equally as dangerous. And being the patriots that we are, it is only right that we don our shining armour and tackle the beast head-on.
The difficulty, however, is that the camp in Crowborough does not appear to be filled with scaly, fire-breathing monsters, but with something far more concerning: men.
Men, we are reliably informed, with bad intentions and a worrying tendency to disrupt the tranquillity of this otherwise idyllic town. We know nothing of their background or circumstances, so we can only assume the worst.
According to the latest figures, approximately half of the population are men, and men are responsible for one hundred percent of all male crimes committed.
Thankfully, there is a solution.
A network of supporters has reached out through the interwebs to recruit additional people from out of town, many of whom fancy a nice walk dressed in a flag before sitting down to their Yorkshire puddings and Bisto-drenched British roast beef — the majority of which are also men.
Although we know nothing of their background or circumstances, we can only assume that they arrive in the borough with the purest of intentions.
These brothers-in-arms, volunteering their time, are predicted to bring the levels of good men up to safe and acceptable levels. Breathe easy, Crowborough.
Illustration
Cartoon by Moz:
Two large men stand proudly while holding a small girl by the arms and swinging her between them. A smiling woman watches nearby and says:
“Finally, the good men are here and my little angel is safe.”
The girl shouts happily:
“Swing me! Swing me!”
Advertisement
WORRIED THAT WHEN YOU MARCH NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU?
PATRIOTISM GOING UNNOTICED?
A large boot fitted with a mechanical air horn.
AT JACKSON’S WE’VE GOT YOU COVERED…
YOU’LL BE HONKING WITH GLORY IN NO TIME!
Air horn loud boots.
MAKERS OF LOUD BOOTS — EST. 1955
Asylum Seekers sneaked into camp at 3 A.M after revelation that no welcome party planned
By Ron Peepers
After much debate back and forth between us (the true guardians of this town), the local authority and the government, it seems we have been betrayed!
At our last meeting Councillor Jeremy Fishfinger stated that the buses of asylum seekers would arrive at a time which was convenient for us to gather our troops and await their arrival.
When the friends of The Crowborough Crusader refused to provide cucumber sandwiches, cheese and pineapple chunks on a stick and a caterpillar cake for the reception, Mr Fishfinger refused to provide an ETA.
This represents, at best, a disappointing oversight and, at worst, a failure to fully appreciate the importance of proper civic courtesy.
As such, none of us were given enough time to amass and line the entrance to the camp and show our scowled faces to the visitors.
By denying us this basic human right, we feel let down as we missed the opportunity to display our dissatisfaction.
The consequences could be so dire as that the new camp residents might come to the conclusion that we are delighted to see them.
The government declined to give any formal comment on the situation.
Councillor Fishfinger concluded that:
“Although it is regretful that we couldn’t see eye to eye on this occasion by way of consolation, I would like to offer that not one of them was afforded the opportunity to experience the pleasure of a cocktail sausage on a stick.”
Illustration:
A cocktail sausage skewered on a stick.
Meeting to be held to decide which crimes will be blamed on immigrants before they are committed
By Ron Peepers
In a proactive move to better ensure the safety of the town the red-capped vigilante group and The Shielded Crows are hosting an evening of wine and nibbles and thoughtful discussion.
In a spirit of goodwill they are extending their invitation to the part of the town which believes that it is their patriotic duty to oust foreigners.
Don’t let the problem of not having facts to back up your opinions sway your decision to not attend. As long as you’ve a strong voice and don’t wish to entertain any alternative then I urge you to be there — numbers matter.
Up for discussion will be the opportunity to decide in advance what we need to worry about with regards to the activities that the migrants will inevitably perpetrate.
Colin Shellsuit, a member of the board of commerce and respected businessman states:
“To be forewarned is to be forearmed and that’s a strategically good position to be in. Why wait to see if they actually do something first — way too risky if you ask me…and you did.”
June Curtainwitcher adds:
“I would like to see the visitors accused of violence, assault to women in particular, vandalism and …can I say murder…yes I can and in fact I just did.”
Finally Felicity Knowsmore suggests that:
“It’s more than plausible that someone travelling halfway around the world to find safety from their hostile country would want to hurt my young Timmy on his way to school. It’s a given, right?”
Show your support:
Town Hall 7pm
Monday – Dress code smart/casual.
Advertisement
DO I NEED A HAT WHEN I GO OUT?
DO I NEED A COAT?
DO I NEED A FLAG?
THE FLACKET
Available now from all good, not so good and shoddy stores.
Life’s complicated enough.
Illustration:
A jacket patterned with the Union Jack with an attached flagpole.
Letters to the Editor
Letter
“Do the wheels on the immigrant bus go round and round all day long or just until 3 in the morning. Makes you think!”
Maureen Soreen
Letter
“Does anyone know how to get hold of one of the red hat patrol? I assume they’re doing some sort of sponsored walk.
I want to put my name down for 10p per mile. Keep going chaps!”
Gloria Splendid
Letter
“I’ve heard that the vigilante patrol group are not welcome near the high-end supermarket.
What an outrage! How will they get their quinoa now?”
Henry Flumf
Star Letter
“I used to like Paddington until I heard he was foreign!”
Barbara Swansong
Puzzle Time
Poor Barry is cold and needs to cover his face with a scarf. He is trying to figure out which number plates he ought to be writing down. Can you help?
Possible answers:
PAT RIOT
ST ELLA
LIB 3R4L
4RAINR
FL4GGZ
CRO BR4
Illustration:
A hooded figure shivering and thinking while holding a scarf over his face.
Notices
Some of Crowborough Says No
Members of a group styling itself as “Some of Crowborough Says No” have reported that a man of indeterminate height, described as “not white”, was observed engaging in unspecified behaviour involving an individual whose identity remains unclear.
It is understood that the matter was subsequently reported to individuals who cannot, for reasons of clarity, be identified.
In light of these developments, the group has confirmed that the alert level has been raised from red to ultra-red.
P.S. Is the answer to Puzzle Time… 4RAINR?
Road Works
Every road that you want to travel to today will either have huge craters in them which may or may not extend to the centre of the earth and / or traffic lights. Make sure to leave plenty of time to complete your journey.
Scones
My name is Jean Quintessential and I have been baking scones all afternoon for no reason. The ones I don’t need I have put out on a plate in the rain, feel free to help yourself.
Final Thought
Well that’s just about all the time we have for the first issue of The Crowborough Crusader.
As ever there is never enough time to cover everything and homelessness, the cost of living crisis, people living in fuel poverty, crumbling services and people raising money for good causes just didn’t make the cut for Issue 1.
Issue 2 will be published when circumstances allow.
Ron Peepers
Advertisement
SCORN FLAKES
“The best way to start your morning of dislike for people different to you.”
Illustration:
A cereal box featuring an angry rooster while a woman scowls at her breakfast bowl.